Weakness is detested!

Yesterday I didn’t manage to finish a somewhat difficult task at work, and that made me feel like a weak person. Every time I need to ask someone for help, the same destructive thoughts makes their way to my head, all telling me that perhaps I shouldn’t be working in a job where I need help from others, that I’m supposed to know these things, and to perform well at my job I can’t ask anyone for help… and the negative thoughts also affirm the picture I have deep inside me, of a person not worth loving, of lesser value than others. And the fear I always carry, that the people who (pretend to) like me some day will wake up and see the same, that I’m a weak and detestable person. After going from work feeling bad, I got home and criticised my husband for making a mess while preparing dinner to us (what a stupid thing to do!), and later in the evening I got rejected by my son, and that made my world collapse! :cry: My greatest fear is that the son I love above all, will see me as I really am, and start to loathe or detest me. And the rejection he made yesterday, I took as a sign; the loathing has already started…

I know that as a parent one’s supposed to handle rejection, but I find it very hard, as I take it as a proof of him detesting me. I don’t know what to think to motivate myself to handle these things without my world collapsing…

I try to think about him being a young boy with changing moods, I can see that he goes from total joy to utter sadness in the blink of an eye… And I also try to remind myself about the importance of being there for him, whether he shows the need for it or not… I can’t reject him in return, because he’s not old enough to see the consequences of his actions.

I must pray for patience and strength to handle his anger towards me and his fists of defiance.