Long lines...

My husband asked me a week ago what sort of life I wanted. I’ve been thinking a lot about that. Being in my early 30’s I think it’s time I decide what to fill my life with, how to look at myself. Many women are afraid of turning 30, the twenties are portrayed as the ideal years, and the rest of one’s life it is all about trying to preserve the youth and looking as much 29 as one possibly can. For me, it is the other way around. I feel liberated by being over 30. I regard myself as old enough to stand up for my opinions, and I’m less nervous about everybody liking me or not. That’s good!

So, my motto is “long lines“. Long lines as in being a link in the long chain of people dating back to the early beginnings, and giving life to new ones, making sure the chain is growing. Long lines as in finding peace in the Church’ teachings and traditions regarding my spiritual and everyday life. Finding peace in accepting my role as a mother; there are certain biological features a man never can obtain, there are things I’m better at because I’m a woman. Long lines as in modest clothing, long skirts and shirts, not showing more than modestly acceptable of my skin. Long lines as in growing and keeping my hair long. Long lines as a motto reminds me of the fact that the world is not spinning around me, I’m just second or minute in the world’s total history, but what I make of my life, the choices I make, makes impact on the society in which I live.

It sort of makes me smaller, but that’s a good thing. When depressed one has enough pain inside to deal with, and doesn’t manage to see others or see oneself in the correct proportion in relation to others. Imagine having a tooth aching, the only thing you manage to think about is how bad this tooth aches. That’s how depression works to. The depression takes over your command centre, making you feel a lot of pain, thinking negative and destructive thoughts and drains all your energy. It’s a strange thing, but I’ve now come thus far that I sort of like being depressed in short periods of time, and having a serious depression history. Because it makes me appreciate more the good things in life. To me, a normal life without too much darkness and pain is enough. I don’t long for a glamorous or famous life, I thrive in being a mother, wife, worker.

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