Following Jesus

Deuteronomy 22:5 (New International Version): "A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."

This passage means, to those who follow it, that women should wear skirts and dresses and men not. Inspired by several modest clothes wearing women, I've been wearing skirts everyday for some weeks, because I too believed that the Bible told me to. But the internal consequences wasn't good. I got more concerned about following this passage than doing good deeds, and it also made think judgmental thoughts about other jeans wearing women. I thought that I was somehow better than them as I followed the Lord's directions in this matter. But, while at church this Sunday, it stroke me that all these women in my church wearing jeans or pants, with short or long hair, they might actually be better Christians than me.

I talked to my husband about it. About how much of my focus and energy I've spent on following this passage and what following it has meant to me. And he said "didn't Jesus talk to the Pharisees about how they believed themselves to be more righteous because they followed every rule to detail?" He doesn't believe in God, but he can still have some wise things to say about being a Christian. And he said that Jesus surely is more focused on action than f0llowing every rule to the letter. We agreed that I can wear jeans or skirts, when I feel like it, and that I should focus my energy on following Jesus' example and His teachings about how to be a Christian.

For two days now I've been wearing jeans to work, and it feels OK. I still see the Bible passage, and know that God wants me to dress as a woman, modest and without too much focus on my appearance (more on the inside and my actions), and I still admire those who are able to wear their skirts everyday without becoming a "pharisee" about it, still able to focus on the right things, their actions and prayers. I've realized that I've sort of started in the wrong end of things... changing the outside (how I dress) didn't automatically change my inside... I need to start at the inside by changing the way I think and act, and let that be the main focus of my life.

The moral law requires all women to wear the veil on their hearts. A woman should not wear the veil on her head, until she is wearing it first on her heart. A woman who wears the veil on her heart accepts the place that God gives to women in the Church, the family, and society. Women who wear the veil on their hearts are imitating the Virgin Mary in her humility, submissiveness, and obedience to Christ. The veil should cover her head, but not her face. It is first and foremost symbolic of humility, submissiveness and obedience. From www.catholicplanet.com/women/headcovering.htm

I reckon this can work on clothing as well. And the a lot of Muslim women wear hijab and jeans/pants.

Two gods...

I'm thinking a lot about buying a new handbag for myself. I know I don't need it. I have lots of hand- and shoulderbags at home. But now this idea is fixated in my mind, and it's an internal struggle of reminding myself I don't need another handbag. I have lots of good quality, nice handbags at home. Why is it so important to me to buy new stuff when I don't need it?

13 “No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.” (Luke 16:13)

One thing I could need, is a dress or some skirts. I'm now wearing skirts everyday, and I have three long skirts that I alternate. They're all black, and it could be nice to have some with a hint of color. Perhaps brown? But I'd rather buy myself a new handbag than a piece of clothing. Why's that?

I'm finding it somewhat hard to resist buying new things. It's like all the advertising I've seen and read and heard has thaught me to constantly buy things. To constantly feel a need to buy new things. That buiyng things is normal and can satisfy my needs, define or at least help to build an image of, who I am. Most women magazines are full of both advertising and hints and tips about what to wear/use etc. Most of the items need to be bought, because one has to follow the trends. The handbag bought two years ago is so out of fashion now, because this year it's so and so and so...

And, we, the gullible readers, perhaps more or less self confident, fail to acknowledge or uncover the main reason why they're telling us to buy more things - because the producers need to earn more money! That's the main reason why the fashion industry comes up with new trends every season.

I'm trying to get off this crazy carousel of constantly needing more and different things. It's time I do what is right - by the Bible and by taking the environment in to consideration - stop buying new things when the old things functions!

Hooray!! (and many thanks to the Lord!)

Yesterday, I finally (after 9 months of TTC*) got to see two purple stripes at my pregnancy test!! :->

As you can see on the pregnancy widget (right) there's a tiny new person (a true miracle! :)) developing inside me! I think it's at the size of a poppy seed... not very large ;) But it's wonderful to think about how this development goes on without me controlling it in any way!

It's at it's early beginning, I just tested positive yesterday, and haven't informed all of my friends and family yet! But as I'm anonymous here, I thought this was a good place to "talk" about this joy, miracle, etc! In fact, I've tested so many negative tests, that I still have some trouble believing that it is true... I think I should get some more home tests and test to be certain. I'm going to see my doctor next week. I need to stop my medication too (anti-depressives), as this particular medicine isn't approved for pregnancy. I'll try going without any medications, but should I need some, I'll take some that are approved.

I know that the chances for loosing the baby is higher in the first trimester, so I'm trying to keep somewhat calm. But should I loose it, I need somewhere to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system, and I've found that a blog is a very useful thing!


*I know that 9 months isn't considered as a very long time for trying to conceive... in fact most healthy couples may need as much as a year... and I have PCOS in addition - making my chances lower... but I'm a very impatient person... so for me 9 months is a long time... But believe me, I understand those of you who've tried for years, and think that I've been complaining over nothing!! Because I really have!

Modest clothing

These are from webshops offering modest apparel. Click on the pictures for a link to the shops. I haven’t bought anything from these shops, but I very much like the clothes they’re offering.

For more thoughts, Bible passages, and so on, about modest clothing, choose “modest clothing” in the category cloud.

My favourite outfit would be the blue A-line denim skirt with the blue and white shirt for work or just a t-shirt top for other times. The floral dress would be perfect for summer, and the denim jumper dress would be perfect both winter and summer. I know the knitted cardigan isn’t the latest in fashion, but I like it.

I’ve always liked modest clothing, and was very happy in the 1990’s with the jumper and t-shirt fashion. The fashion magazines I’ve read in an attempt to know all about how to look and what to wear, have all told me that I’m supposed to dress sexy. Showing my best sides and hiding the larger parts. Plunging necklines showing some cleavage. But that’s not my style, so I’ve read these magazines, feeling more and more stupid and tragically unfashionable. But yesterday I threw all my fashion magazines in the paper recycling bin, and I’ve decided it’s time I decide what to wear. It’s no use trying to follow a fashion designed by gay men designers and shown by unnaturally thin top models. The fashion magazines likes to promote themselves as a woman’s best friend teaching what to wear and how to wear it in order to be a popular, attractive, and successfull person. The problem is that the fashion magazines are used by the fashion industry as an advertising channel in a subtle way not known to the reader. Both the fashion industry and the magazines earn money on women’s needs to be liked and approved by others. By telling “this is what you need for looking hot this summer/spring/fall/winter”, the woman thinks it’s best I follow these guides, to avoid me looking stupid. The fashion magazine editor always gets invited to the fashion shows and to the right parties, illuding that she’s an important person worth listening to. But keep in mind that the editor is only a normal person being used as a marketing channel for the fashion industry!

Headcovering

This is what the Bible says about headcovering:

1 Cor. 11

[1] Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ. [2] Now I praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all things, and keep the ordinances, as I delivered them to you. [3] But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. [4] Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head. [5] But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven. [6] For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered. [7] For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. [8] For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. [9] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. [10] For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels. [11] Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. [12] For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of god. [13] Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered? [14] Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? [15] But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering. [16] But if any man seem to be contentious, we have no such custom, neither the churches of God. (From the Bible, King James Version)

Here’s a good explanation of the head-covering issue: http://www.minthegap.com/2004/11/24/head-coverings/

Links, blogs and articles (please note that I haven’t read all the contents of these web pages, and hence does not promote nor oppose to whatever they may write.)

http://feminine-genius.typepad.com/femininegenius/

http://exlaodicea.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/is-the-covering-of-womens-heads-in-church-of-divine-law/

http://www.quakerjane.com/spirit.friends/plain_dress-modest.html

http://catholicrestorationists.wordpress.com/2007/06/29/theology-of-the-chapel-veil/

http://plaincatholic.blogspot.com/

Jewish covering

Without having studied the matter very much, I think only conservative jews cover like this.

Muslim covering

Not all muslim women cover, but I thnk a vast majority does. They find the reason in the Quran, and also in tradition. The degree of covering vary according to traditions and regional customs.

I find it really disturbing that in most European countires the musim headcover, referred to as the hijab, is seen as an obstacle in the integration of muslim immigrants. And in some countries the hijab is forbidden for instance in French public schools. But, what could be more of an obstacle for integration than forbidding people to use their religious symbols in public? Would I feel an urge to integrate into a society which forbade me using a cross around my neck? Thus I consider any “attacks” on the public use of hijabs as an indirect attack on my right to use religious symbols in public.

Look at this picture, who is most beatiful? The hijabi or the western style woman with sunglasses and her hair (colored dark with after-growth showing) hanging loose?

Go to this site to see more pictures of hijabis: http://samah007.wordpress.com/

Just a thought

Has humans felt the need to oppose God's will and order of things ever since the temptation of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? Is that the reason why women have felt the need to dress and behave like men?

"No one and nothing* should have the power over me! I should be free to try everything and decide for my self how to live my life. Anyone not free to do this, has her human rights restrained, and must be freed!"

*Applying to God, my husband/father, moral, faith, etc. Failing to recognize the power the fashion industry have over people...

That's why Muslims covering according to their tradition/faith are seen as oppressed, and in need of society's helping hand to free them. And why women working part-time is a bad thing, because the no. one want for a woman should be to work full time. The maternity leave should be divided evenly between the parents, giving both mother and father 6 months at home with the baby. The housework is also to be divided evenly between the man and woman, not acknowledging that most women tend to see more things to be done at home than does the man... I wonder why?

I disapprove of this evenly division of everything between the sexes... I think we're created differently for a reason, and that we do have different qualities that should be appreciated to the same extent.

Be submissive

1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. (1. Peter 3:1-2)

But what does submissive actually mean? In everyday life for example?

Wives should be subject to their husbands, not from dread and amazement, but from desire to do well, and please God. The husband’s duty to the wife implies giving due respect unto her, and maintaining her authority, protecting her, and placing trust in her. (Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary on the Bible)

This passage may have been misused by power seeking or dominant men over the years, and that is perhaps why women of the western societies see this principle as invalid today. But the following passage places makes it clear to the husband.

7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. (1. Peter 3:7)

My father misused his role as a man, father and husband. He’s dominant and completely lacking empathy. As a result I have a problem with being submissive to men in general (like in the work place, in my own marriage and so on), because I’m afraid they’ll misuse their role and seek to uncover my weak points and use them in order to gain power over me. As a result I’ve actually tried to get power over my husband. But as I’ve identified why I do this, and also after having read other women’s stories about how they became more at peace when following the order of the Father, I’ve realised that this is the right thing. Most of the time I see that my husband isn’t trying to dominate me, but at other times his behavior may remind me of my father’s and I get upset.

Now I need to practice being submissive, and also study the subject - because I need to establish what submissive actually means to me in my everyday-life. I won’t go to the other side of the scale and become a doormat or suppress all my feelings, opinions and wants, waiting for him to ask me about it. He doesn’t read my mind. Although that would at some times be a good thing…

Tuesday morning feelings

Right now I feel like going out of my workplace and buy something. What? Perhaps something to eat, so that I can reduce the sad and empty feeling inside me. And perhaps something to cheer me up - a new shoulderbag, a piece of jewelry?

Earlier today I’ve spent (thrown away) NOK 100,- (≈USD 20,-) on a pregnancy test. But of course the test was negative, and now I’m just sad, angry and disappointed. I thought that we’d timed it so good this time, but apparently not. I’m disillusioned and the only thing I want is to go home and go to bed and sleep… get away from everything. I canceled my participation in a meeting at work, couldn’t manage to face the others and be productive. I feel like crying it out loud, and to have everyone feel pity for me because I don’t get to have another child…

Unfortunately, there’s a possible chance that the test was taken too early, despite the period being due today. It’s normal for me to have the period start a week later, because the ovulation didn’t take place when I thought it would. My system’s not reliable, and that makes it difficult to know when things should happen. If only the test could be like an x-ray picture of my stomach, and I would see if the uterus is empty or not… Unfortunately - that’s because I can hope for another week or so for a better result than today. Unless of course my period starts in the meantime.

I know perfectly well that nothing gets better by eating or buying anything. Perhaps for a short period of time, but not in the long run. Then I blame myself for having eaten sweets and chocolate or buying things I don’t need, and I get even sadder or angrier.

Feminine and modest clothes

This is some of what the Bible says about feminine and modest clothes:

Deuteronomy 22:5 (New King James Version): 5 “A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment, for all who do so are an abomination to the LORD your God.” - usually interpreted as meaning that women should dress like women and not like men, i.e. using skirts and dresses, not pants.

1 Timothy 2:8-10 (New King James Version): “that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, 10 but, which is proper for women professing godliness, with good works.” - usually understood as meaning that women can wear gold and pearls and braided hair, but it should not be used as a means to become beautiful, it is the good works of a godly woman, and her inner self, that should be the beautification of her. It is that she should focus on, and work towards in order to distinguish herself from the rest of the world. The world was and still is, too preoccupied with a person’s looks and outer appearance.

In this last passage there’s also mentioned that the woman should wear modest clothes. What exactly is modest clothes? The interpretations differ. Does the skirt have to be at ankle length or mid-calf or slightly covering the knee? (anything shorter is considered un-modest by most) And what about the tops? Do they have to have long sleeves or is half-sleeves enough? No sleeves is considered un-modest by most) How tight or loose fitted? Can one have tailored/fitted shirts/tops showing curves or not?

There’s no official teaching/guidelines from the Catholic Church about what makes clothes modest and not. One’s asked to cover ones shoulders and wear knee-length skirts or shorts when going to church, and of course cover ones tummy, but what about everyday-life? I mean, I pray more outside church than inside, simply because most of my time is spent outside of church. If I’m to be modest inside the church where the Lord is present, I think I should be outside as well, as the Lord is present everywhere! I think it would’ve been nice if the Church made some clear guidelines all believers should follow.

I try to make my own rules, and looks at what others are saying. But, I can see a diversion in opinions everywhere. Muslims are required to cover everything but their hands and face. But some Muslims cover for example their arms with tight fitted long-sleeves T-shirts. Is that more modest than a loose-fitted t-shirt with half-sleeves? An I see many Muslims wearing trousers and jeans, perhaps that’s considered modest, I don’t know. most Christians doesn’t care much about the modesty issue, I think. A lot of young Christian females wear tight fitted t-shirts and singlets, and also have deep necklines. Only a few observe the only skirts and dresses rule. Most wear whatever the fashion dictates. You can’t see if a person is Christian or not, because she might be wearing a cross, but so might a lot of others do, because its a fashion item!

I wonder what happened in the 20th century that made women discard thousands years long traditions… For as long as people have worn clothes, it was the rule for women to wear dresses/skirts and they’ve always been ankle long. But somehow women stopped doing that, and the skirts became calf-long and then knee-long and then mini-skirts barely covering anything. And the hair could be cut short, as a man’s, and one stopped covering ones head when in public. Why? And was it all good?

Couldn’t women obtain their rights and freedom looking like a woman? Where’s the appreciation of the difference between man and woman? If God had wanted us to be the same, he’d created us the same. But He created us different so that we could fulfill each other! We’re supposed to look different, be different, excel at different things!

Monday morning thoughts

Most of my thoughts today center around the “new baby” issue… will my period start today or tomorrow as scheduled? Should I take a test to see whether a new baby is in its first development inside me, or is it simply a waste of time and money? (I’ve taken numerous tests earlier this year when waiting for my period - and all have been negative) I’m not as pms ridden as usual, but this differ from period to period as well. I wish my system was on the clock punctual and that if my period was one day or week late, I could be certain that it was due to pregnancy. But, unfortunately, that’s not me! Its perfectly normal for me to wait everything from a day to a couple of weeks extra for my period to begin. Hence, the conceiving thing is somewhat tricky - because it isn’t possible to pinpoint the exact days certain activities should take place…

I try not to think about this too much, as I know that could have impact on my chances to become pregnant. But because this is something I want very much, it’s hard to not think about it! I should try to talk to God about it, and put it in His hands. I must admit that that’s a thing I’ve problems with doing. In important cases, like this, I don’t rely fully on God, and I somehow think that I should fix it myself. Because when I ordered a new baby from God, He didn’t deliver, and I’m disappointed with Him. Why couldn’t He give me a second child when I started wanting it? If I’m not pregnant now, and becomes pregnant later this year, I would have to be pregnant during the hot summer months… and me being a “hot” person, that’s not something I’d enjoy. I did it the last time, and it wasn’t comfortable at all! (My firstborn is born in September) And the age difference between the two will be larger.

I have some sharp pains at both sides of my stomach, deep down - almost where my thighs begin. I remember having pains at these sides at the early stages of my previous pregnancy, but dare I think these are the same?

Today it’s two weeks since I stopped eating chocolates and sweets (again). I’ve already lost 0,6 kg. And I’m satisfied with my achievements. My main motivation is becoming more fertile, and also be able to do more without becoming tired. I wont loose weight in a hurry, and become super slim. My main goal is to loose 20 kg in 1,5 year. That’s a reasonable time, and it means that I don’t have to be on a diet all the time. Being on a diet removes my want to eat anything, giving me bad consciousness if I should eat, and that’s not a good thing. I do this my way, all on my own, that gives me a feeling of control, and that’s something I need!

I’ve also been in modest and feminine clothes everyday for the past two weeks. I’ve worn skirts and modest tops. My skirts have different lengths, some are summer skirts knee length, others are more autumn/winter and have longer lengths. I really like wearing skirts! But I have some difficulties with being more visible - as women around me doesn’t wear skirts as the rule, but sometimes… There’s a destructive feeling inside me because I’m dressing femininely. I try to overhear this inner thought, but… it isn’t easy… and it drains me of my energy!

Afraid of Christianity!

Read in the newspaper that in a new textbook, to be used in a subject called Religion and Ethics, for the Norwegian primary, or was it secondary, school the notions B.C and A.D. are replaced by something like After Ordinary Time counting (AOT) (bad translation), being religion neutral!

I think this is just stupid! The notions have been used since forever, and now the textbook authors have to make up a new notion simply because the book should be neutral to all religions.

Its a main tendency in Norway, to remove all references to religion from the public space and becoming neutral. I can’t see why that’s so important! Norway’s been a Christian country since 1030 AD, and why do we need to remove that reference from peoples’ everyday lives and make it something for the history interested. If any of our immigrants are troubled by Norway being a Christian country, they need to adjust themselves, or go somewhere else. But I don’t think it’s the immigrants that complains, I think it’s secular people around in various leading positions, trying to remove the Christian faith and all its references, because religion doesn’t mean anything to them.

Norwegians doesn’t seem to need a God to believe in. One’s satisfied with oneself and ones’ life, and if not, its only one person who can fix it, and that’s oneself! It’s a very self oriented society, where the aims are to realize ones utmost potentials, taking less care of hurting someone or sacrificing someone in the process.

I don’t like it nor do I approve of it. Although we have a lot of benefits in this country, we’re at the top, or among the top) of the countries when it comes to suicides and depressions. That’s a warning signal of a cold and harsh society!

Easier to dress modest during autumn

I find it much easier to dress modestly now when the weather is colder, than in the midst of summer. Now I wear my knee-length summer skirts with tights underneath. Half or full sleeve blouses/tunics, and the long warmer skirts, makes a modest and comfortable wardrobe. I also have a couple of almost see-through tunics that I wear over my least modest tees. I manage to wear skirts all week when leaving the house. At home I have a couple of very comfy (but not at all stylish) sweat pants that I wear. But mainly that’s inside the house or perhaps out in the street watching my son play or when driving him to the kindergarden and following him in. I have a variety of different skirts, and I like wearing them. This is something I’ve chosen for myself, and am totally comfortable with. I like the femininity of the skirts, but also the fact that they’re not as warm as my pair of jeans.

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Today and yesterday I’ve had a light form for morning sickness… but dare I believe that it’s pregnancy related, or should I keep telling myself that this has nothing to do with me being pregnant, this is only related to my tonsillitis and the bad taste I wake up with every morning as a result of my tonsillitis being chronic. Or even my body faking pregnancy symptoms because I want it that much… Of course I really hope, and pray for, a little life starting in my womb, but as I’ve hoped for that every month since January this year, and every month becoming disappointed, I’m reluctant to hope too much. It’s better if I assume I can’t have any more babies, and then if I can, I can be happily surprised… this was somewhat easier to believe in before my first pregnancy… but now that I know I can have children naturally concieved I think that it should be possible a second time. Oh, how hard it is to wait for my period to come (or hopefully not)…

Why niqab?

Some weeks ago I saw two women wearing all black, like in this picture, even black gloves, and it made me wonder why they do. I felt sorry for them, as I saw their dress as a prison. I can’t understand why it is necessary for a woman to cover herself this much, as though she’s trying to be invisible! I can’t see how that’s liberating to the woman.

I’ve done some internet searching and found an answer to the niqab question. I suppose that muslimahs around the world disagree upon the need to use niqab or simply the hijab, as they disagree about a lot of other hijab issues. (Hijab both in the sense of the veil and in the sense of modest clothing.)

In general muslim women should wear modest clothes, not drawing attention to their appearance or body. It seems as though most think that a veil covering the hair and neck, is needed in order to complete the modest attire. See explanation below.

Syed maintains that when a woman is covered, men cannot judge her by her appearance but are forced to evaluate her by her personality, character, and morals. “I tell them that the hijab is not a responsibility, it’s a right given to me by my Creator who knows us best. It’s a benefit to me, so why not? It’s something every woman should strive to get and should want.”

The young woman admits to being surprised that many people wonder if she wears the hijab everywhere (at home, when sleeping, in the shower). The truth is that Muslim women only cover themselves in front of men who are not direct relatives (brothers, fathers, and uncles) to prevent indecent acts or thoughts. (From “Why do Muslim women wear the hijab?” Eighteen year old Canadian Muslimah Sumayyah Syed explains.)

I’ve also read that the Prophet Muhammad explains the covering of women as a mean of protecting what is beatiful. I can’t recall the exact words, but it had something to do with hiding ones gems/pearls. It was in fact a beatiful sentence/excerpt.

According to Al-Muhajabah (meaning she who wears Islamic dress) niqab (see picture with woman in black) is an even better way of seeking to obtain the love of Allah. It is a prolonging of the hijab, covering even more, and harder to wear etc All this resulting in niqab being even better than hijab in means of keeping private what is meant to be private. She states that there’s not an explicit reference to niqab in the Quran, but makes reference to some other text and the fact that the Prophet’s wifes surely wore niqab. (For a full understanding and explanation, visit the www.muhajabah.com pages)

To me a niqab still looks as a prison for women, but now I know why someone choose this.

Bristol Palin (a good role model)

First of all I’d like to say that it’s strange for a foreigner following the US presidential election from the outside, how much of the presidential and vice-presidential candidates’ personal life and history has to be dug out and scrutinised. I mean, a person seeking presidential (or vice-p.) power can’t go through their lives without hurting anyone or doing any mistakes! I’v read about mr Palin’s drunk driving 22 (!) years ago, about mrs Palin’s past as a beauty contest participant, and of course about Bristol Palin, their unmarried dautghter’s pregnancy.

Of course miss Palin should’ve waited to have sex until she was married, but for some reason she didn’t, and her choice to have the baby and take the responsability of her actions should make her a role model to other unmarried pregnant teen-agers, and their families, who should be supportive and helpful with taking care of the unplanned blessing arriving.

Whether Bristol Palin had chosen to have her baby hadn’t her mother been a VP candidate or high profile pro-life politician, we’ll probably never know. We all do mistakes in our lives, and criticising Bristol Palin and reminding her about how much her teen-age pregnancy has disappointed her parents, that’s, in my opinion, just mean. It’s her mother that has chosen to become a vice-president candidate, not Bristol Palin. Suddenly this young woman is being written about and spoked about all around the country and overseas. She’s used to her mother being the Alaskan governor, but the state isn’t one of the more important states in the US, and thus the governor and her family had remained fairly unknown to the rest of the world up until now. We should all bear in mind, that living with strict moral rules and parents carying very much about the family members’ public apperance and the family’s honor and image, and so on, could make anyone wanting to rebel. Perhaps miss Bristol wanted to rebel against her mother being a super mom - or at least the public image of her being one - taking care of her five children, husband, work, having a baby with Down’s syndrome, etc. (Even I feel a need to rebel against her - no one does everything right! Everyone has some weaknesses and flaws, otherwise they wouldn’t have been human!)

And, take a look at these pictures of miss Palin and her baby brother Trig. She looks so calm, so caring, it’s like the baby’s hers and she’s so happy with it. Of all the pictures I’ve seen at the Internet from this event, mrs Palin holds him only on a couple of the pictures, and while holding him she also checks her Blueberry and speak in her cell phone. Miss Palin, however, seems content about holding and caring for her baby brother. Had I been mrs Palin, I would have carried my beautiful baby son everywhere so that everyone could have seen him and seen how proud I was of him. But the child she’s bringing along is Piper, the 6 yrs old girl. Her larger girls, Willow and Bristol tags along in the background, carrying baby Trig and his stuff.

Mrs Palin appeals to me in many ways, she’s a christian, conservative (however somewhat selective about what to be conservative about), mother of five, pro-life, beautiful yet modest, and so on. (There are also things I don’t agree upon, but I’ll leave them for now - not that it matters, I’m not eligible to vote anyhow.) But, the main thing I dislike about her (based upon my knowledge of her from the media) is that it seems as though baby Trig is in her way. Everyone salutes her for having him despite their knowledge of him having Down’s syndrome, and despite her being the Alaskan governor. But, she returned to work three days after giving birth to him… and now, during this presidential election campaign, how much time will she have to establish the very important bonds between a mother and her child? She’snt even the one carrying him around when greeting people… to me, that’s not right, and it’s signalling that he’s not that important to her… I must confess that a woman, a mother of small children, seeking this much power, that puzzles me… I don’t understand it. I mean, mrs Clinton, she’s a mother, but her daughter’s grown up, and she has only one, I understand her want to become a powerful person. But mrs Palin, no. She’snt finished with mothering being her no. 1 priority, and now she wants to show the world that a mother with small children also can become a vice president. Someone’s going to suffer from this, and I’m afraid it’s the baby and her other children.

This is perhaps her once in a lifetime chance to become something as important as a vice-president, but it’s also her once in a lifetime chance to establish the first important bonds to her little baby son. Choosing her career in stead of her children, that’s not what I would have done. And being a conservative christian, I can’t see how that’s something she would do either.

Can I wear a cross?

Am I a good enough christian to wear a cross? And is that a valid question? i mean, must I be like a “perfect” christian in order to wear a cross and thus showing everyone my faith? What if I wear a cross and still makes mistakes, what does that tell others about my faith and christianity? I do hesitate to wear a cross, because I’m afraid I’m not a good ambassador for Christ.

I make mistakes every day, either by the things I do or the things I don’t do. Can I still show people I believe?

I think that others, living more according to God’s will and His rules and so on, are entitled to, or have the right to use a cross. Because they’re better ambassadors for Christ. And there’s so many people better than me. I get a bit sad and depressed about the whole thing, because I think of all the things I should’ve done and how I should’ve been, and realise that I’m far from that… how can God love me? Perhaps he loved me when I was an innocent child, but then I started to live, and started making mistakes, and started to sin, and He knows that I know the difference between good and bad in most cases. And I can’t understand how He can love me when I choose to do something, I know or should have known, bad… Perhaps He sort of likes me, but doesn’t He expect me to perform better? To do better than this?

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel - 2

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel

The Cavalier King Charles Spaniel is the perfect dog!

If you agree, this page will please you. If you don’t agree, I’ll try to convince you about the matter! Ok, all dogs (at least almost all) are beautiful and have their charm and positive traits. But to me, the CKCS (very common abbrivation), is the most perfect dog companion. I’ll agree to the fact that the CKCS doesn’t fit everyones’ tastes and expectations. And, it is not very much of a working dog.

But it is a very good companion and reliable friend! Before acquiring my cavalier, I did a lot of research on the internet in order to find a type of dog that would suit me good. It is important to select a dog that fits one’s lifestyle and everyday life.

Things to consider when choosing a dog include, and how the Cavalier accomply with these things:

• the size of your home (apartement or large villa?). the Cavalier, being on average 36 cm high at shoulder, and ca 45 cm long, have lots of space in a small apartment. It is also easy to bring along on social calls, as it can curl up on your lap, and doesn’t frighten people with dog anxiety. Due to its mild temper and large eyes!
• urban or rural environment. The Cavalier fits both environments. It is happy with lots of playing and running about without the leash on, and also happy with the occasional play in the park.
• amount of time the dog has to be alone at home on a normal day. if trained from early age, the Cavalier can be alone for as much as eight hours. But most of he/she wants to be together with his/her family.
• family composition (i.e. kids or not, now and in the future). the Cavalier is an excellent family dog, and a good companion for single people.
• current level of activity. if you’re a couch potato wanting to get fit, it probably isn’t a very good idea to buy a dog that needs a lot of excercising, because failure to fullfill the dog’s excercising needs may make him/her destructive. All dogs need excercise, and one can train a dog’s physical condition as one can train the human. For instance, a healthy Cavalier can follow you on an hour of running, or several hours walking/hiking. But it is also satisified with a walk around the block. Especially if the weather is bad!
• Time needed to groom and cater for the dog’s fur.
• Travelling by airplane or car during one’s holiday. Some airplanes accepts smaller dogs carried into the cabin in special bags. Otherwise he/she must be placed in the luggage compartment in special cages. Travelling by car, one should think about the size of the car and the amount of luggage one usually bring along.
• amount of cuddling wanted. the cavalier is a cuddly dog, thriving when close to her/his owner. A large dog or one with a lot of/thick fur often find it too warm to be very close to her/his owner. The cavalier was at some point used as a feet warmer in bed with the higher society of England. My cavalier changes her sleeping position from under my covers to atop my covers. And, in the evening she stays put at my lap sleeping, while I read the paper, knit or crochet. Thus, all my knitting projects have small white hairs weaved into them
• dog sports. The cavalier can enjoy agility and other forms of sports. Anything done together with his/her family makes him/her happy!

This list is not conclusive!

Cute? Me? Yes, I’m cute, and I know it, and when you talk to me, I listen very carefully and tilt my head to prove it!

Naked

I went to a store today and wore a t-shirt with very short sleeves and jogging-trousers somewhat thight-fitted and just below the knee in length. Not an outfit I would wear going to work or to the city, but more of an at-home-outfit I use at home and when going to a store where I drive up to the door and go straight in. Comfortable clothes. Strolling through the store I suddenly saw a Muslim lady with an hijab and long sleeves and long skirt, and I felt almost naked… I felt an urgent need to go home and cover myself somewhat more. If I had wore a t-shirt with half sleeves and a long skirt, I doubt that I would’ve felt the same nakedness.

I’m not a muslim, and I don’t feel a need (or calling) to cover that much, but seeing the Muslim woman and feeling the nakedness - it made me think about which one of us is the most liberated woman… me dressing in fitted clothing showing all my bumps and lumps and bare arms, or her covered and modest, hiding her body under loose fitted clothing. I know that I didn’t feel good in the clothes I wore, all though they were comfortable (stretchable material).

I feel it is due time I start to wear more modest clothing, thus practicing what I believe is true… But a problem arises - what to do with the half-modest clothes I already have? I can’t afford to give away almost all of my clothes in order to buy new more modest ones. Almost all my skirts are just below the knee, and my t-shirts are tight fitting, because I’ve tried to look smaller by not hiding myself under large “tents”… Have I felt comfortable? No - because I’ve been very body conscious, and disliked myself because of my stomach, large breasts and generally large body… And I have probably attracted attention to my body by wearing these clothes.

Can wearing thights under the knee-length skirt make the outfit modest?

Homemaker according to God's will

4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. (Titus 2 (New King James Version))

I’m trying to live according to this, but I’ve only just started on this journey of becoming a “Titus 2 woman”. Due to my father being a psycho-/sociopat (what is the difference?) treating me as his servant, over time I built a lot of anger inside me, and I’ve been determined to not let anyone boss me around like he did. This resulted in me letting my husband do all the housework, cooking and so on. I sought to do less than him, afraid of him becoming my household slave master, like my father was, if I showed him that I too could do some housework. But as my husband is in all manners different from my father (except in the fact that they’re both men), I have nothing to fear.

And, in the recent year, I’ve felt as though my husband manages the household so well without me, that there’s no room for me. He’s only doing the housework because he’s kind to me, but I’ve come to think that he’s doing too much. In doing almost all the household chores, he’s pushed me out of my home in some sort. I think that the woman should be the main homemaker, the one responsible for all the household chores, and that the husband can help her by doing some housework delegated to him by the wife. I’ve seen that when my husband is away on business trips, and I’m responsible for all the household in that period, I’m proud of the work I do, and I’m doing what’s right for me. And it gives me more meaning to my life - I’m needed! I have a role to fill, I have tasks to do.

The family is the main component of a society. That’s the Church’s teaching. The man and the wife have both important roles to fill in the family. To me, it’s difficult to understand how so many women with a family can aspire towards personal realisation through work outside of home. Of course, if one is certain that ones home and family doesn’t suffer from the outside work, one can aspire towards having a career. But that would require the woman to be some sort of super-woman, both able to be a mother, wife, homemaker, and career woman. Or, if all the housework is done by someone else, the career thing would be possible. But one still need enough energy to be a mother and a wife. Even though the Churc teaches that a marriage should be open for children, I think that some people should not have kids. It’s better for a couple pursuing their careers and not open for any other priorities, to refrain from having children, than for them to have children that are unhapy because both parents work too much.

I’m a fan of peoples’ right to choose what’s best for one self. I don’t think we should go back to the fifties where only the unmarried, or widowed women worked. But I think that more women should choose part-time work, or even quitting work for a period, in order to devote themselves to their family and children. As not all women are suited to have children, I don’t want it to become an obligation, but I think it should be a different focus in the society. We need to admire the ones devoting themselves to others, in stead of admiring ego-sentric people aspiring towards the fullfilment of their personal goals, not considering the consequences on others.

Miss Headscarf 2008 in Denmark!

I wonder when we’ll see a worldwide competition of this?! Or, perhaps, in the muslim dominated countries, there’s such a thing already? Denmark’s National Broadcaster, Danmarks Radio, has had a Miss Headscarf competition, where any women wearing a headscarf could enter by sending a photo of themselves wearing a headscarf. And here is the winner and the runner ups. Unfortunately, the text is only in Danish, so if you’re having trouble understanding the words, send me a comment and I’ll translate for you. The text showing is the name of the winner and the runner ups and their ages. År=years. And the other text is some fashion experts’ comments about the headscarf. Positive comments about the colours and patterns on the headscarf, and that wearing a headscarf the way these women does, doesn’t make them unstylish.

Crime's got a face!

Driving home from my in-laws yesterday at 20.00, we witnessed two youngsters stealing a car from in front of the supermarket. We drove past the parking lot several times, and the youngsters saw that we saw them and ran behind the supermarket. Then, we met them driving the car, and we followed them for a short distance. Afraid of getting into trouble with the car thieves, we let them drive off, and drove home. We phoned the police several times, giving the information we had. But I don’t know whether the police did anything about it. If they’d come the first time we called, they could have prevented the car being stolen. Today I called the owner, which is a leasing firm, and reported what we had seen, and left my name and number if they should need it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this, it’s a strange thing to see two ordinary looking boys of 16-18 yrs, committing a crime. It would probably have been strange to see anyone commit a car theft, but I think about the sad fact that these two added another crime to their conscience, or even did something illegal for their first time. (Probably not) I wonder what their lives look like, what sort of upbringing and childhood they’ve experienced. Being a mother to a boy, I also think about their mothers. I feel sorry for the two boys. Normally car theft and other crimes are things I read about in the paper, I haven’t actually seen it done before. And things I read about in the paper is easier to distance myself to, than crimes I see committed. It’s like the crime’s got a face now. And the next time I read about a crime, I can’t distance myself as easy as I used to.

Oh no!

I need to see a dentist. I hate going to the dentist! Yesterday I lost a bit of one of my teeth while eating. It just fell out… Some of my teeth have had so many holes plumbed, that only thin walls remains. So it’s no wonder that bits fall off. But, I have to have it checked by the dentist, and thinking about going to the dentist makes my gums sore and sensitive. Although I always have local anesthetics administered, I hate the whole experience… laying there with my mouth opened to the maximum, having the dentist picking and working inside my mouth. The sounds, the tastes, everything is a nightmare.

And then there’s the talk about me cleening my teeth too poorly, I need to floss, brush, and gurgle twice a day. Of course I don’t, and the result is all the holes in my teeth. But, the comfort eating doesn’t make it much better - being sweets and chocolate…

Uninspired

I guess I “suffer” from a mild post-holiday-depression… I’m back at work after 1,5 week of holiday spent mostly in Spain. I’m finding it hard to concentrate at work. It’s a “downer” to return from an exciting country to the well known Norway and everyday-life with all it’s trivialities… I know that one can’t make a holiday last forever, because eventually one would make one’s new situation “everyday-life”, and the magic will be gone. It’s just a phase…

Spain was great. The weather wasn’t much to write home about, but I liked it, as the cold temperature didn’t make me sweat all the time. I was able to use the same shirt for two days! The others disliked the weather, as they didn’t get the tan they wanted. I tried to visit some of the churches, but found several closed. No information about opening hours was given in English. Only Spanish. My understanding of Spanish is limited to what I can “guess” using my French and English knowledge and a little bit of creativity. But I got to visit one of the most important places, The Monasterio de la Santa Faz! :>

That was a special place! I felt the holiness of the room, I felt that Jesus really was present in the room where the cloth is. I felt a need to cover my head and bend down in prayer, unfortunately I didn’t bring a scarf with me, but I knelt down and prayed. It was magic! After a short time I felt cleansed and at peace and happy. It was like this visit was the purpose and goal of the whole trip. I think I would like to go to there again. The cloth is kept in a container in a richly decorated room, with large paintings of the legend behind this piece of cloth.

My husband called it “the holy handkerchief”.

Travelling stress

Later this week we’re going to Spain. And I’ve got this internal continuous stress… I like experiencing other places, but it’s the travelling bit that stresses me the most. Packing all the things one needs for a week away, and before that making sure that all the potential travelling clothes are clean. And then there’s the time issue. The plane leaves at a given time, and we need to be there with all our luggage and everything sorted out before that given time, otherwise we won’t get in the plane… this is a major stress factor, causing me to have nightmares about me running in airports trying to find the gate where my plane is boarding, and with too little time. The latest nightmare was me shopping in the tax free shop suddenly disvocering that the plan was to board in five minutes, and I didn’t have the slightest clue about where the gate was, and I hadn’t decided what to buy… Although I’ve been travelling by car (several times a year), or airplane, for as long as I can remember, and am used to pack my own bag, I still stress about this! I don’t understand it! I’ve never been late, or missed any flights/trains, and I’ve never forgot to pack anything important, so there’s nothing in my experiences explaining this fear I have.

I hope to visit a lot of Catholic churches, and especially the Monasterio de la Santa Faz, where a relic said to be the veil of St. Veronica is kept. St. Veronica gave her veil to Jesus for him to dry his sweat whilst he was carrying the cross, and He handed it back to her and it had a print of his face upon it. The picture of St. Veronica giving her veil to Jesus is one of the Stations of the Cross, found in every Catholic church.

I’ve seen references made to this “history” by some Catholic head coverers as a proof of Jesus approving female veiling.

I think this is the “container” for the veil. As the webpage was only in Spanish, and my understanding of Spanish is rather minimal (I compare the words to French or English to understand), I’m not sure what the proper name for this ”container” could be. But I did understand that there’s a monastery where this is kept. I think St. Veronica is called St. Clarisa in Spain.

From Wikipedia: This relic was acquired by Pope Nicholas V from relatives of the Byzantium Emperor in 1453. This veil was given by a Vatican cardinal to a Spanish priest, Mosen Pedro Mena, who took it to Alicante in southern Spain, where it arrived in 1489, at the same time as a severe drought. Carried in a procession on 17 March by an Alicante priest, Father Villafranca, a tear sprang from the eye of the face of Christ on the veil and rain began to fall. The relic is now housed in the Monastery of the Holy Face (Monasterio de la Santa Faz), on the outskirts of Alicante, in a chapel built in 1611 and decorated between 1677 and 1680 by the sculptor José Vilanova, the gilder Pere Joan Valero and the painter Juan Conchillos. The chapel is decorated with paintings depicting the miraculous termination of the drought, local personalities associated with the founding of the chapel and religious themes of judgment and salvation. The Monastery was extensively restored between 2003-6, together with the Cathedral of Saint Nicholas and the Basilica of St Mary in the city centre, and the three buildings housed an exhibition in 2006 about the relic under the name of The Face of Eternity. ^[12]

As a method of coping with the travelling stress, I tend to over focus on certain things, such as jewellry and handbags. I need to remind myself that buying new items of these just because I’m stressed doesn’t make anything better. It’s a struggle trying to get rid of these comfort buying tactics. And also not buying, just choosing among the items I already have, is difficult. One day I think a small handbag is the perfect one, the next day it’s a larger bag, then I must choose between colours, shapes, materials, length of straps - can it go across my body or not? As all these thoughts and deciscions draws me away from spending time with God, it’s not a good thing for me to do. Yesterday night I spent several hours in front of my computer surfing the Internet for handbags and jewellry to buy in Spain… If I only could be liberated from all this, and use my time on things that are really good to me!

Josef and Elisabeth F.

This is the worst case of incest abuse I’ve ever heard of! It’s impossble to imagine what could have made this man do such things to his own daughter. He’s clearly a person without any form of empathy. And the various media (TV, newspapers etc) work hard to give us all possible details of this horror history. Why? to sell more of course! If a media soruce is the first one to report some “important” news, that helps build it’s image as a reliable and quick newssource.

Curious about the case, most people read/listen/view a lot in the beginning, then - fed up by all the horrific details, one tunes out and wander off to read/hear/view something else. And the attention is lost.

What makes me extra sad about this, is that following the discovery of such an horror, should be a massive information campaign teaching people how to look for similar cases in their surroundings, and what do to if one suspects incestous actions happening. Who to contact, what to say to the possible victim to ask for the truth etc. This could help reduce the amount of incest or other abuse.

Because of my personal experience with incest I know that “normal” people does these things all around the world. (Of course, not all to this extent.) And the same thing happen everytime; people told about the incest actions of a certain person, doesn’t believe it, because they’ve never seen anything. How long will it take before people start to understand that persons they think are all good and kind, can do evil things? And that abusers often (I’ll say in most cases) are normal people just like one self, and that they hide the abuse very well!? They’re masters of disguising their evil actions, and the victims are masters of hiding the abuse as they feel ashamed and partly guilty. Help from outside is needed.

I’m sure that this Josef F. case in Austria isn’t the only one of this extent and seriousity. It’s just that nobody have talked about them, neither the abuser nor the abuse victim. Please, all victims, talk about your experience, but choose your listeners with care! Talk about it in victim support groups, to your psychologic therapeut, on the Internet… Do not keep silent with your experiences! You’re not helping anyone by keeping silent! (I know, I’ve tried, and I only punished myself!) It’s never your fault!

Obligations

I find myself sometimes still struggling with my obligation to buy less. For example handbags and jewellry. I have to ask myself the question: do I really need this? Then I consider the money - how much good could this amount of money do to a person less fortunate than me? And, wouldn’t this handbag become just another bad buy and pile up in my closet or I have to sell it at the internet for a quarter of the price I paid? And what about the global problem of waste? The more I buy, the more waste I generate.

For some reason it appears as though buying new things is a way of being nice to myself. Whenever I’m feeling somewhat sad or down, spending money on items I really don’t need, have been the main way in which I’ve tried to make me happy again. During the last months, however, it has become clear to me that what makes me happy is not buying new things, but being with my son and my dog. I guess I’ve known this for some thime, but haven’t done anything about it before this lent. My buying stop during lent was really fruitful, and now it’s easier to not buy than buy. Because when thinking about buying an item I really don’t need, I get a bad conscience! And that helps me alot.

My want to contribute to a better world, a world with a more fair ressource distribution, obliges me to do and not do certain things. And though they may feel like a unneccessary sacrifice at the time, I know that it’s the right thing to do. And in the long run it will give me a better conscience. Knowledge should oblige one to act!

The parish priest always emphasise the fact that believing must be followed by action, otherwise one cannot say one believe. That’s a good thing to remember!

Taking control

The hijab-wearing women are often viewed as a person one should feel sorry for. In the “modern” societies of Western Europe and the US, the main thoughts (and the publically correct) are that “She’s probably under control by her husband and/or sons. She’s not free to wear whatever she wants… she’s not allowed to do whatever she wants… she’s forced to wear the hijab and the modest and covering clothes, poor thing…” and so on. And the female fashion in these societies are all about being sexy and using one’s sex appeal. The ideals admired are the supermodels, Hollywood-celebs and the likes. Forcing everyone, except the natural born supermodels, to be on an everlasting diet, excercise regime and even consider plastic surgery in order to keep up with the latest trends.

But what if it is quite the opposite?* What if the modest women, of all faiths and convictions, are actually the liberated ones? Because they (and to some extent me) are not under society’s increasing press and unhealthy focus on beauty and body, choosing to wear covering and modest clothes, not following the fashion trends. Modest women are not controlled by fashion designers who’s obviously allergic to female bodies and at the same time asking for women to show cleavage and legs.

The modest women are in control over their bodies, controlling what parts could be shown public, and what parts should be kept covered. A modest women doesn’t use sex appeal to gain success in her life, but rely on her brain, appearance, inner beauty, personality, and other values. Her body isn’t ”put on display or up for sale”, she doesn’t advertise for herself by showing off her ”goods”. I know what group I’m in and my feeling of liberation is increasing!

As shown in these pictures (left and right) being modest isn’t necessarily different from following the fashion trends in color and materials. Being modest can also mean looking good.

I like this picture (left) very much. It’s from South-East Asia somewhere. It makes me think about which of these women are in control over their body? The muslim or the blond?

In the summer I, personally, wouldn’t have covered to the muslim extent, but I’m more covered than the blonde! I don’t see the blonde as being liberated because she can wear whatever she wants, it’s more like she says that she’s not anxious about her body being on public display… she doesn’t demand respect, she sort of wants to be liked because of her body. What kind of mistaken feminism is that?!

*I don’t doubt that some muslim women, as well as other women, are under too much control by their husbands.

Mod(est)ifying some of my clothes

This weekend I’ve modestified some of my clothes. With one skirt, that was formerly just slightly over the knee, I carefully removed the stitches on the line, and added a lace at the bottomline, to make the skirt somewhat longer. And at the waist I opened the double hem and added a button so that the waist is somewhat longer. I didn’t take any pictures, so I don’t know if this explanation made any sense.

This is my sewing machine. I’ve had it for more than five years and I’ve wanted to do more sewing, put it hasn’t happened. Now that I’ve just started, I’m inspired to do more, and will use the trick with lace and other material to make my clothes more modest.

For example, I have some tops with a too low neckline (in front), I’m not comfortable wearing them, afraid that my cleavage may show. I find myself constant checking whether my cleavage is showing, and that is not a good thing to do. And when the weather gets warmer, I can’t use a scarf to hide it either. So I thought that I’ll cut off some fabric at the bottom of the top/tunika, and use it to make the neckline more modest. It’s difficult to find clothes that suit me very good. If it fits around my tummy and bossom, the neckline tends to be plunging! In cold weather I use a wool singlet under the tunika. As I like these tunikas very much, and also because tunikas in the empire style suits me good, I think it’s a good idea to make them more wearable. And it saves me money, as I don’t have to buy new tunikas.

Since lent I haven’t bought all the magazines that I used to, and that gives me more time to do other things, like sewing, that I’ve wanted to do, but hadn’t found the time to before. It really doesn’t take more than a month or so to have new habits. That’s good! Most magazines have a unhealthy focus on body and beauty. There’s only one magazine I’ve found (in Norway) that doesn’t, and that’s “Familien” (=the family). The main focus for this magazine is positive and inspiring reading, it has a somewhat subtile christian focus, and lots of handicraft projects. It’s a real feel good magazine. That’s the only one I’m reading at the moment.

Concentration levels are really down!

And that’s kind of frustrating, because I’ve loads of tasks at work to be done… but due to the massive negative “inner-talking” going on at present, the energy to be used on other tasks are really low. It’s kind of strange - I enjoy being at work, but I can’t seem to get any thing done. I have my own office, it is well tempered, it’s a fairly quiet workplace. But, I feel bad about being here and not doing the things I should do. (Blogging and internet surfing is sadly not part of my job description)

As I wrote in my post about handling criticism, I’m in a destructive period now. I also find it hard to reduce this destructivism by reminding myself about how God loves everybody and Jesus died for our sins, and so on. That doesn’t apply to me, just other people. The easiest thing to do is to give in to this destructiveness, and give up the struggle for raising my self-esteem. But I’m not going to do that. I can’t do that, because by giving up I would have to quit my job - i.e. disappoint my co-workers and boss, and I’d be unable to be a wife and a mother, and that’ll disappoint and even damage my husband and son. Giving up is not an option. So I’ll have to keep on struggling.

Earlier in my life I thought this destructivism came from the devil. I don’t know if that’s the truth. But. one can wonder. The destructive ghost (as I call it) tries to get me to stop wearing a cross around my neck, because I’m not a perfect christian. “Why should I go around bragging about my faith, when in fact it is far from perfect?” And “what’s the point for me to try to dress modestly, when my heart is full of condemning of others who do not? Doesn’t the whole dressing modestly exercise become more of a skin thing, than really inside and spiritual?” And that passage in the Bible about seeing the speck in other’s eyes and not the plank in mine, is very relevant to me now. And that makes me sad, and it makes me think “what’s the point in trying to be a good person and live according to God’s will, when in fact I’m so far from target. I’m a person of less value, due to my rotten personality.” -And who’s to benefit from me thinking this way, if not the evil himself? He tries to draw people away from God in all possible ways.

I’m not sure wether the devil is a real creature or just the symbol of evilness in this world. But either way the result is the same, me feeling bad about myself. My destructive ghost is a result of the treatment my father gave me when growing up. It reappears now and then to tell me what a stupid and idiotic and so on, person I really am. But is this really true? Are my sins any worse than others’? Aren’t I just a normal person trying to live a good life? Didn’t Jesus die on that cross to liberate all people from their sin - and why should I be the sole exemption? Jesus is the only person able to live a whole life without committing any sins, because He was in fact a personification of God. I should stop striving for a perfect life, and start to focus on the fact that God sees me as a person among others. I’m just an human being with all the flaws and goods one normally have. That’s the only way to fight this destructive ghost!

John 3:16 (New King James Version): For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Ephesians 2, By Grace Through Faith: 1 And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, 2 in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, 3 among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. 4 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. From http://www.biblegateway.com Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.