Josef and Elisabeth F.

This is the worst case of incest abuse I’ve ever heard of! It’s impossble to imagine what could have made this man do such things to his own daughter. He’s clearly a person without any form of empathy. And the various media (TV, newspapers etc) work hard to give us all possible details of this horror history. Why? to sell more of course! If a media soruce is the first one to report some “important” news, that helps build it’s image as a reliable and quick newssource.

Curious about the case, most people read/listen/view a lot in the beginning, then - fed up by all the horrific details, one tunes out and wander off to read/hear/view something else. And the attention is lost.

What makes me extra sad about this, is that following the discovery of such an horror, should be a massive information campaign teaching people how to look for similar cases in their surroundings, and what do to if one suspects incestous actions happening. Who to contact, what to say to the possible victim to ask for the truth etc. This could help reduce the amount of incest or other abuse.

Because of my personal experience with incest I know that “normal” people does these things all around the world. (Of course, not all to this extent.) And the same thing happen everytime; people told about the incest actions of a certain person, doesn’t believe it, because they’ve never seen anything. How long will it take before people start to understand that persons they think are all good and kind, can do evil things? And that abusers often (I’ll say in most cases) are normal people just like one self, and that they hide the abuse very well!? They’re masters of disguising their evil actions, and the victims are masters of hiding the abuse as they feel ashamed and partly guilty. Help from outside is needed.

I’m sure that this Josef F. case in Austria isn’t the only one of this extent and seriousity. It’s just that nobody have talked about them, neither the abuser nor the abuse victim. Please, all victims, talk about your experience, but choose your listeners with care! Talk about it in victim support groups, to your psychologic therapeut, on the Internet… Do not keep silent with your experiences! You’re not helping anyone by keeping silent! (I know, I’ve tried, and I only punished myself!) It’s never your fault!

Obligations

I find myself sometimes still struggling with my obligation to buy less. For example handbags and jewellry. I have to ask myself the question: do I really need this? Then I consider the money - how much good could this amount of money do to a person less fortunate than me? And, wouldn’t this handbag become just another bad buy and pile up in my closet or I have to sell it at the internet for a quarter of the price I paid? And what about the global problem of waste? The more I buy, the more waste I generate.

For some reason it appears as though buying new things is a way of being nice to myself. Whenever I’m feeling somewhat sad or down, spending money on items I really don’t need, have been the main way in which I’ve tried to make me happy again. During the last months, however, it has become clear to me that what makes me happy is not buying new things, but being with my son and my dog. I guess I’ve known this for some thime, but haven’t done anything about it before this lent. My buying stop during lent was really fruitful, and now it’s easier to not buy than buy. Because when thinking about buying an item I really don’t need, I get a bad conscience! And that helps me alot.

My want to contribute to a better world, a world with a more fair ressource distribution, obliges me to do and not do certain things. And though they may feel like a unneccessary sacrifice at the time, I know that it’s the right thing to do. And in the long run it will give me a better conscience. Knowledge should oblige one to act!

The parish priest always emphasise the fact that believing must be followed by action, otherwise one cannot say one believe. That’s a good thing to remember!

Taking control

The hijab-wearing women are often viewed as a person one should feel sorry for. In the “modern” societies of Western Europe and the US, the main thoughts (and the publically correct) are that “She’s probably under control by her husband and/or sons. She’s not free to wear whatever she wants… she’s not allowed to do whatever she wants… she’s forced to wear the hijab and the modest and covering clothes, poor thing…” and so on. And the female fashion in these societies are all about being sexy and using one’s sex appeal. The ideals admired are the supermodels, Hollywood-celebs and the likes. Forcing everyone, except the natural born supermodels, to be on an everlasting diet, excercise regime and even consider plastic surgery in order to keep up with the latest trends.

But what if it is quite the opposite?* What if the modest women, of all faiths and convictions, are actually the liberated ones? Because they (and to some extent me) are not under society’s increasing press and unhealthy focus on beauty and body, choosing to wear covering and modest clothes, not following the fashion trends. Modest women are not controlled by fashion designers who’s obviously allergic to female bodies and at the same time asking for women to show cleavage and legs.

The modest women are in control over their bodies, controlling what parts could be shown public, and what parts should be kept covered. A modest women doesn’t use sex appeal to gain success in her life, but rely on her brain, appearance, inner beauty, personality, and other values. Her body isn’t ”put on display or up for sale”, she doesn’t advertise for herself by showing off her ”goods”. I know what group I’m in and my feeling of liberation is increasing!

As shown in these pictures (left and right) being modest isn’t necessarily different from following the fashion trends in color and materials. Being modest can also mean looking good.

I like this picture (left) very much. It’s from South-East Asia somewhere. It makes me think about which of these women are in control over their body? The muslim or the blond?

In the summer I, personally, wouldn’t have covered to the muslim extent, but I’m more covered than the blonde! I don’t see the blonde as being liberated because she can wear whatever she wants, it’s more like she says that she’s not anxious about her body being on public display… she doesn’t demand respect, she sort of wants to be liked because of her body. What kind of mistaken feminism is that?!

*I don’t doubt that some muslim women, as well as other women, are under too much control by their husbands.

Mod(est)ifying some of my clothes

This weekend I’ve modestified some of my clothes. With one skirt, that was formerly just slightly over the knee, I carefully removed the stitches on the line, and added a lace at the bottomline, to make the skirt somewhat longer. And at the waist I opened the double hem and added a button so that the waist is somewhat longer. I didn’t take any pictures, so I don’t know if this explanation made any sense.

This is my sewing machine. I’ve had it for more than five years and I’ve wanted to do more sewing, put it hasn’t happened. Now that I’ve just started, I’m inspired to do more, and will use the trick with lace and other material to make my clothes more modest.

For example, I have some tops with a too low neckline (in front), I’m not comfortable wearing them, afraid that my cleavage may show. I find myself constant checking whether my cleavage is showing, and that is not a good thing to do. And when the weather gets warmer, I can’t use a scarf to hide it either. So I thought that I’ll cut off some fabric at the bottom of the top/tunika, and use it to make the neckline more modest. It’s difficult to find clothes that suit me very good. If it fits around my tummy and bossom, the neckline tends to be plunging! In cold weather I use a wool singlet under the tunika. As I like these tunikas very much, and also because tunikas in the empire style suits me good, I think it’s a good idea to make them more wearable. And it saves me money, as I don’t have to buy new tunikas.

Since lent I haven’t bought all the magazines that I used to, and that gives me more time to do other things, like sewing, that I’ve wanted to do, but hadn’t found the time to before. It really doesn’t take more than a month or so to have new habits. That’s good! Most magazines have a unhealthy focus on body and beauty. There’s only one magazine I’ve found (in Norway) that doesn’t, and that’s “Familien” (=the family). The main focus for this magazine is positive and inspiring reading, it has a somewhat subtile christian focus, and lots of handicraft projects. It’s a real feel good magazine. That’s the only one I’m reading at the moment.

Concentration levels are really down!

And that’s kind of frustrating, because I’ve loads of tasks at work to be done… but due to the massive negative “inner-talking” going on at present, the energy to be used on other tasks are really low. It’s kind of strange - I enjoy being at work, but I can’t seem to get any thing done. I have my own office, it is well tempered, it’s a fairly quiet workplace. But, I feel bad about being here and not doing the things I should do. (Blogging and internet surfing is sadly not part of my job description)

As I wrote in my post about handling criticism, I’m in a destructive period now. I also find it hard to reduce this destructivism by reminding myself about how God loves everybody and Jesus died for our sins, and so on. That doesn’t apply to me, just other people. The easiest thing to do is to give in to this destructiveness, and give up the struggle for raising my self-esteem. But I’m not going to do that. I can’t do that, because by giving up I would have to quit my job - i.e. disappoint my co-workers and boss, and I’d be unable to be a wife and a mother, and that’ll disappoint and even damage my husband and son. Giving up is not an option. So I’ll have to keep on struggling.

Earlier in my life I thought this destructivism came from the devil. I don’t know if that’s the truth. But. one can wonder. The destructive ghost (as I call it) tries to get me to stop wearing a cross around my neck, because I’m not a perfect christian. “Why should I go around bragging about my faith, when in fact it is far from perfect?” And “what’s the point for me to try to dress modestly, when my heart is full of condemning of others who do not? Doesn’t the whole dressing modestly exercise become more of a skin thing, than really inside and spiritual?” And that passage in the Bible about seeing the speck in other’s eyes and not the plank in mine, is very relevant to me now. And that makes me sad, and it makes me think “what’s the point in trying to be a good person and live according to God’s will, when in fact I’m so far from target. I’m a person of less value, due to my rotten personality.” -And who’s to benefit from me thinking this way, if not the evil himself? He tries to draw people away from God in all possible ways.

I’m not sure wether the devil is a real creature or just the symbol of evilness in this world. But either way the result is the same, me feeling bad about myself. My destructive ghost is a result of the treatment my father gave me when growing up. It reappears now and then to tell me what a stupid and idiotic and so on, person I really am. But is this really true? Are my sins any worse than others’? Aren’t I just a normal person trying to live a good life? Didn’t Jesus die on that cross to liberate all people from their sin - and why should I be the sole exemption? Jesus is the only person able to live a whole life without committing any sins, because He was in fact a personification of God. I should stop striving for a perfect life, and start to focus on the fact that God sees me as a person among others. I’m just an human being with all the flaws and goods one normally have. That’s the only way to fight this destructive ghost!

John 3:16 (New King James Version): For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Ephesians 2, By Grace Through Faith: 1 And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, 2 in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, 3 among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. 4 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. From http://www.biblegateway.com Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Handling criticism...:(

I don’t know how to handle criticism without it shattering my self-image. I know I’m supposed to separate person and actions, so that people criticising for example my handling of a work task, doesn’t automatically become a critique of me as a person. The problem is that I can’t put this into action. Yesterday my boss talked about what we (him and me) could do to prevent errors within my area of responsibility at work. Over and over again he emphasised that he’s not blaming me, he’s also responsible, he said, for not checking up how I’m doing.

I heard him say this, but inside my head I translated it into negative and destructive messages about how I’m not performing satisfyingly. So, today I’ve difficulties with concentrating. I have this feeling of being not able to perform what is expected. And, I must admit that I expect no mistakes and errors on my work. At least no errors of a certain importance. I really don’t know how to change this deep rooted feeling of being “under par”. I’ve had it for all my life (yes, I can remember that I’m at the age of four or five thought that I was worse and of less value than the others in my kindergarten).

From the therapy I’ve done the last years, I’ve learnt that the change is to be made in the way I think about myself. But it doesn’t seem to really work. It works on a certain level, keeping the bad feeling away for a while. Then I enter periods of low self-esteem or a bad self image. Where everything is translated into failures. And in these periods there’s something inside me that’s content and happy - sort of telling me (no, I don’t hear voices) that this is the real me. This is how I’ve been all my life, and that’s never going to really change. The other version of me, the one able to handle failures without breaking down, that’s just me playing and acting a role. Because all the failures, even the ones handled well, pile up in a virtual backpack, and when that’s too heavy I break down and I’m no good at all. I’m not worthy of anything, and I’m not capable of anything… Luckily for me and my surroundings, these periods change, I have good periods and I have bad. Earlier, the bad ones seemed to go on forever, and while they probably changed a bit, I was always on the negative side.

And then there’s the religious perspective to this. I know that I’m supposed to be happy because the Lord loves me and have created me in His picture. But, when I don’t like being me, that’s not easy to be happy about! I have a certain idea of why I’ve always wanted to be someone other than me. It has do to with my biological father. Although I’ve distanced myself from him the latest years, I’ll always carry some of his genes in my genes, and I’ll always have the “wounds” he inflicted on me in my childhood and youth. (Wounds is put in ” ” because the wounds are not visible, they’re just inside me.) I cannot run, hide or escape from myself, I have to carry this body, face and internal and external features around with me.

I’ve doubled my weight since moving out at the age of 18. But I’m still me, inside there’s still this failure-version of me. I’m actually somewhat afraid of loosing my weight, because that’ll make me more like I was when my father did his things… Having a baby didn’t change my body as much as I’d hoped for. The only sign is the larger tummy (due to badly trained muscles after birth). The stretchmarks may have increased in number, but to be honest, I haven’t noticed. I had a lot of stretchmarks before becoming pregnant due to weight increase. I’ve colored and cut my hair, but the face remains the same. I see the same face, only larger chins, as I’ve done for years. In short, I sort of hate everything about me, everything I’ve had since my youth…

In case you, the reader, got very worried about me, I’d like to add that I’ve applied for more therapy and am currently awaiting response. And I’m never really suicidal because I know that a lot of people would get sad, and I know that the problems will diminish again.

A day to remember

Today is the year-day for the death of my grandfather. I’m both sad, angry, and thankful. When he died, I lost the positive father figure, he was more than a grandfather to me. And it makes me angry that he was the one to die and not my biological father. I’d much rather see him dead than my grandfather. But I’m also thankful to my grandparents, for all the good times, for all the positive input we received. For their great importance in making our lives better. If it hadn’t been for my grandparents, I don’t know if we (me and my siblings) would’ve made it the way we have. It was of unvaluable importance to have a pair of grandparents telling us how much we meant to them, showing us how happy we made them, and so on. Being with them was like paradise compared to the terror at home.

The most important thing my grandfather thaught me was this: Everytime I packed my bags after visiting, and I was alone in the room, he would enter and talk to me. And he always said that if I did my best (for example at school) no-one could be unsatisified with me. He said it very quietly. Looking back I can see that he said this to strengthen me, because he knew my father. And he was always content with my school results. As opposed to the father I grew up with, who was always unsatisified and asked me what I could have done to make it better next time. Eventhough I got the second best grade!

Jewellry?

In 1 Timothy 2:9-10 St. Paul writes about what women should adorn themselves with: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.

And now some questions arise: does this mean that we are not to use jewellry altogether, or is it only pearls and gold that are not “allowed”? Does this mean that we can use silver jewellry? Or, if a woman has her focus on good works, can she use some jewellry (even in gold), as long as she doesn’t overfocus on it, and keep it modest and simple? And in that case, who’s to draw the line between modest and too much jewellry? And why exactly does St. Paul tell the women to stay away from gold, pearls and costly arrays?

There’s a woman I know that only wear a simple gold cross (like in the picture) around her neck. And that’s all the jewellry I’ve seen her with. I don’t see that as a problem, even though I know what St. Paul wrote about gold and pearls. Her gold cross shows that she’s a Christian, and together with her good behaviour, her compassion for others, it reminds me and inspires me of how a Christian should lead one’s life. To non believers, I’m sure her silent witness mark and her good works combines to give them a good impression of the Christian faith.

My wedding ring is in gold, and I don’t think a gold cross pendant is a wrong thing, because it sort of shows the importance one place on one’s faith. But, I must confess, I’ve used a lot of money on gold and silver jewellry. I’ve had cross pendants in all shapes and materials. Some with and some without the crucifix. (I use past term, because during lent I changed this habit of comfort buying, and instead sold some of my pieces on the Internet.) For now I think I will conclude with a principle of modest and simple/minimalistic jewellry, in gold or silver. A cross pendant as a silent witness of my faith. Keeping in mind the words of St. Paul, trying to focus on good works in stead of what jewellry to wear. But, I’ll do some Bible reading and studying on the subject, so the issue is not closed.

Hairs everywhere!

Our little princess is currently in the midst of an shedding period, and it’s white dog hairs everywhere! And I mean, everywhere. I vacuumed the entire flat earlier today, and it’s already starting to pile up in the corners. Normally I don’t care about the hairs, but nowadays it’s too much! I’m hoping for her shedding to stop soon!

On to something completely different. I feel somewhat sad, is that the feeling…, I think it’s such a distance between my principles and ideals, and my actual everyday life. Will I ever live by my principles? Is there any point in having principles if I’ll never ever get to live by them? Or at least come near? Should I perhaps adjust my principles? I don’t know. There is so many different “truths” and “right ways/guidelines”. Even within the Catholic Church. There’s the official teachings, and there’s peoples’ practice. Who am I to listen to? There’s a number of different ways to read the Bible. Some Christians take all the Biblical guidelines and teachings literally, some say the Bible itself is enough, some interpret the Bible in context of a tradition (like the Catholics), some choose the Biblical teachings and guidelines they feel apply to them, some take all, and some take just a few. And everybody claims to have the “truth” and “the right way”. Everybody claims to know what the Lord wants from us, and expects from us.

How can I interpret some of the Biblical teachings literally as applying to me, and ignore others? Isn’t it correct to take all or none? And does the New Testament overrule the Old? The Catholic church teaches that the Bible is a book written and compiled by humans under the guidance of the Lord. It’s not an historically correct account, and it’s written and compiled within a tradition and context. The early Christians adopted some of the customs from their time and made them Christian. The bread and wine for example. When Jesus ate his last supper with the disciples, he probably didn’t have the small oblates we eat, to hand out, but took a normal bread for his time, and shared it. Does this mean that we have to do exactly the same as Him? Is the oblate bread “wrong”? And what about all the things we meet in our time, not mentioned in the Bible.

For example, people living otherwise plain and simple lives, have a nice looking website. Is this correct or is it wrong? The Bible says nothing about it, because the Internet wasn’t exactly invented at that time. But nowadays the Internet is common, and having a webpage promoting plain and simple life may be somewhat of a missionary thing, telling others about ones life and faith, and encouraging people around the world to stand up for their beliefs.

Just some of my thoughts.

Mummy, you mustn't sleep!

Yesterday me and my son went to an evening mass, and when entering the church, after doing the cross mark with the water at the door, my son asked (loud of course) “the priest’s where?”.

Being an evening mass, the church wasn’t full, but everyone was quiet. I told him that the priest would come soon. We brought along some of his small cars to play with and a book for him to look in. He’s only been to Sunday masses earlier, and then the church tends to be more than full, so yesterday he got some space to move around in and to look at the other church-goers.

He walked around a bit, but when we were standing, confessing our sins and praying, everyone was closing their eyes and head down, he said “look mummy, everyone’s sleeping!” also a bit loud… and then when we’re supposed to kneel and I can’t do that because of knee pains, I sit at the front of the seat and close my eyes and tilt my head down, he said to me “mummy, you mustn’t sleep!” I smiled and told him I wasn’t sleeping, I was talking to God and Jesus quietly inside me. “Oh, talking to Jesus, ‘tly”, he replied. After kneeling for a bit we raise up to pray the Lord’s prayer, and one of the women raised up standing before the rest of us, and my son commented, pointing at the woman, to everyone’s hearing, “she stands, she stands!”

I try not to be stressed about my son making small noises and comments like these, but I must say it’s a struggle. The priest has told me not to be afraid of bringing him along, because it is better for us to come and him to make some noise than us not coming. That helps me. But I’m very conscius about what the other church-goers may think. On the other hand I wish to make him comfortable in the church room, feel somewhat at home in the house of the Lord, and to do that I need to start early. I want him to think of church as a good place to be.

My husband is non-denominal (he doesn’t belong to any church) nor does he believe in God, but he respects my beliefs, and he’s ok with me giving our son a catholic faith. It wouldn’t have worked, had he not been ok with it. So I don’t have him beside me to help me with the boy in church. I’ve never had any other man/boyfriend that my husband, so I don’t know how it is to be married to a person of the same faith, but I think it would be nice if he shared my beliefs and we were able to talk about it as two believers not as one believer and one agnostic. He doesn’t give me any faith input. But he’s good in so many other ways, so I didn’t let the faith issue decide.

Pains make me afraid... (baby no. 2?)

When in bed with my mucle pains and fever (some sort of flu or infection) last weekend, I began remembering the labour pains. Because the localisation of these pains were largely the same as the pains I head when giving birth. And I thought that I’ll never be able to give birth again, because of the anxitey resulting from having this much pain.

Due to my lack of control over my body when growing up (incest experience) it is very important to me to have control over my body, or at least feel that I have some sort of control. Whenever I experience some sort of pain, ranging from my period to the ultimate pain experience giving birth, I’m filled with anxiety. I’m afraid of the pain in a way I can’t explain. And hence, I don’t understand my reaction.

And, in relation to this, I think a lot about having a second baby. Before last weekend I associated having babies with the joy and excitment of being a part of God’s creation will, and looking at the ultrasound pictures, wondering how this little person inside me is going to be. He’s so close, yet so foreign to me!

But, having rekindled the memory of the labour pains, and especially all the anxiety I had after the birth, I’m in doubt as to whether to have a second baby or not… The question is, am I in a position where I can decide whether to have or not a second baby? There are so many things to consider!

The Church’s teachings

According to the Church’s official teachings, a marriage is a lifelong commitment (it’s actually of such great importance that it’s considered as one of the sacraments) between a man and a women. The marriage is formed to the benefit of the man and the woman, but also to the society. The marriage is the smallest “building cell” of a society. And every marriage must be entered into with an openness to having children. Or receiving the children that God gives the couple, thus taking part in God’s creation will or order. The Church also teaches that the only acceptable form for contraceptives is abstaining. And it is up to the couple to decide the number of children. The children is seen as a gift or blessing from God.

The society’s “teachings”

The main trend in Norway is to have one’s first child at the age of 29-30 (woman) and then having two to three kids. A lot of peoples have their kids fairly close in age, probably because of their starting age and then they want to get done with the kids being small and needy, fairly quickly. Kids are seen as both a good and a blockage thing. It’s seen as normal to have kids, although not everyone’s prepared to make the “sacrifices” one must to cater properly for the kids’ needs. Having been adult without kids for some years (maybe as much as 15 years) one develop certain habits and routines, and a number of new parents find it hard to cut down on clubbing, boys- and girls- outings, and personal fitness programs. It’s not seen as normal to bring one’s children along to all the things the adults does. Going to cafés with a baby is ok, but not if the kid’s passed 1-2 years. Gyms have babysitting facilities, and going to restaurants for dinner, the kid has to be at home or looked after by someone else. In southern Europe this is different, there it is common to see large families having dinner at a restaurant at 20.00 and on, all ages present.

The couple can decide how many kids to have, and the publically correct opinion is that a mother should continue persuing her career and self realisation anyhow. Having children should not block or put one back from these goals. (NB! Being a mother is not seen as a valid self realisation goal.) Having children is just one of the roles and functions a woman has. Along with being a wife and partner, career woman, friend, and so on.

My ”teachings”

To me, being a mother is the most important thing I can be. It has given me a purpose for living. All my past and my future life will be used in order to be the best mother I can be. It is great to have been chosen by God to participate in his creation will/order. He saw me fit to be a mother, and I’m forever grateful.

I’m first and foremost a mother, and thus, I let the consideration to my son overrule any other consideration. I don’t care for having a career, that doesn’t make me happy. Being a mother does!

Then, if God wants me to have a second baby, and He thinks I’m fit and capable, then I will. But how may I know? I pray for Him to give us a second child if that’s what He wants. I’m very content with having only one, because the one is such a large and valuable gift! He’s all I ever could have wanted! He’s perfect!

I also pray for the Lord to give me the courage and strength needed to give birth to a second child, if I’m having one. My son deserves a sister or brother, and I know we have room in my family (time, love, space etc), both the small one and the more extended one. I mustn’t let my anxiety win, but I need to find out how to overcome and live with the anxiety as well. I think I would regret having only one kid, should it be due to me being afraid of giving birth and worrying too much for the future… none of my worries have been true so far, it’s due time for me trying to worry less!

A true blessing!

Yesterday I was stuck in bed for the most of the day with muscle pains and fever. Our beautiful son (2,5 yrs old) cared for me, on his own initiative! We are so proud of the boy, showing genuine consideration for others. We haven’t done anything in particular to make him do this. We care very much for him and always try to meet his needs as we find it best. And we acknowledge and appreciate his caring for others, and tells him about it.

When I said to my husband and son that I was going back to bed after finishing breakfast, our boy jumped up and said, I’ll go and prepare the bed for you, mummy. He went to the bedroom and found me several of his “shirts” (he uses his father’s used t-shirts for cuddling, and calls them shirts). He also asked me if I wanted a pacifier. I smiled and thanked him no. Not making fun of him for his concern. He likes to have his pacifier when lying in bed, so it is only natural that he thought I would like it as well. Then he rushed downstairs to get some of his books so that he could read for me. He sat beside me in our bed and read (ie talking about the pictures) to me. After finishing one book, he went back downstairs with that and got another one upstairs to read me more. He really is a good boy!

And today, at the parent-teacher talk at his kindergarten (which I couldn’t attend due to my illness), my husband heard only positive things about our son. He’s very much liked by the other kids, helping and sharing.

Of course he can be angry and he’s got some temper when he doesn’t get his will. But, I always remind that it’s ok to be angry, but one should always say one’s sorry and ask for forgiveness when hurting others. Deliberately or not. We are his main examples when growing up, so we try to live by the same standards as we teach him. And I always tells him that I love him no matter how angry he is. Because when he’s angry he’s also crying.

I thank the Lord for blessing us with this precious boy, a real gift for our family. Not only for my husband and me, but also to his grandparents and aunts and uncles. And, it is such a givng task, to have to put my feelings aside and focus on my son. And to be able to guide and comfort him in his journey towards adulthood. It can be hard at times, but it is also very giving.

A day in skirt

Some of the blogs I read have done “a week in modest dress”-things where the blog writer takes a picture of herself everyday in a week. This is Anna in Veiled Glory. That’s one of the most inspiring thing to read about, as this shows ordinary people putting their stand on modest clothing into practise. That’s one of my main current goals. Today I’ve spent the entire day in modest clothes, long sleeved shirt and long black denim skirt. It makes me feel good. My consience is good and I feel like a woman. All my skirts are either knee length or mid calf length. None are shorter. But with the knee lengths, I’m constantly checking to see that it hasn’t slipped over the knee, and when bending down, I’m thinking about how much of my legs are showing. But the most uncomfortable aspect is the need for panty-hose. I really hate wearing panty-hoses, whatever the thickness of it. I never seem to find the right size. It’s either too large or too small, or if it fits my legs, it sure doesn’t fit the rest…

Walking in the city today, I was approached by a woman from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I got two brochures and a book called “Knowledge”. I thought I might find something inspiring for me in it. I’m not considering changing churches, I’m a convinced catholic, but that doesn’t restrain me from being inspired by other christians’ faith. Imagine the courage this woman has, walking up to complete strangers, starting to talk about God. Think about all the rejection she gets in a day of her mission. I find it sometimes hard to tell people I’m a believer… in fear of the picture they may make of me in their head. But, since becoming a mother and in my 30’s, I’m more confident and doesn’t fear this as much as I used to.

I’ve managed to keep away from chocolate and sweets today. The first days are always the worst. I have to warn my husband… because my temper is not good when quitting comfort-eating. But, it will pass, and I know I can do it, because I’ve done it before (quitting that is). And I visualise the good feeling of internal physical cleanliness I get when not eating the “forbidden” food. I can’t see myself quitting chocolate for life. I think this is the way it could be with me and my comfort-eating. I hope for the periods of non-eating to be longer than the others. And I think about how my son will see me comfort-eating, and perhaps learn from my example. That’s what I did with my mum. The food at home was always very healthy and in the right amounts, but whenever having a good time, eating sweets (chocolate, cakes, etc) was a certainity. And, she has been comfort-eating for years. But, she didn’t admit it until I told her I was doing it...

it's enough!

My tummy is the size of a pregnant woman ready to give birth, I have heartburn and sitting at my desk in the office is not comfortable! :(This would be acceptable if I had been pregnant, but I’m not, and it is all due to me eating too much. This morning I bought a 200 gram chocolate bar and ate it all before lunch. Then I had my two sandwiches for lunch sitting in front of the computer, and when all the others had lunch, I ate 500 dl of yoghurt. And now I feel stuffed. I can’t take this anymore! It is time for a ban on all chocolate, sweets and other extra eating! This has to stop! I’m embarrased about my large tummy, and with summer in sight, it’s time I start right now!!

Of course, I’m not going to be slim in May, but my stomach is going to flatten, and that’s the most important thing! Being large, I’m used to, but looking pregnant, is not good. Oooh, I feel sick just thinking about the amounts of calories I’ve been eating the last months… and to no, absolutely no use what so ever! I’m certain I’ve put on some weight. (I haven’t dared to check) And now it has to come off! I won’t be dieting, I’ll still have butter on my sandwich and eat a piece of cake when offered, but by increasing my level of activity and stop eating extras, I’ll loose some weight.

Inspiration

For some time I’ve been thinking about how God’s mother, the Holy Virgin Mary, could inspire me to lead a better life. I didn’t find the right application in my life for her. Not until I read Kim’s blog (which I often read) and in particular this post about “May it be done to me according to your will, and not mine“. Now I know how the Holy Virgin Mary’s example can inspire me. She dared to follow God’s will for her, knowing, or at least she must have had some thoughts about what she could expect of social consequences… And she probably didn’t know about all the things she’d experience as Jesus’ mother! But she trusted the Lord and relied on Him. That should be my goal also!

But, I find it somewhat difficult to know what is from the Lord, and what is not. Like, does the Lord test us by giving us hard times? Or is the hard times the result of people’s free will, and some people choose not to follow the Lord’s guidance in conducting their lives? And to what detail does the Lord actually guide us?

Traditions

I really enjoy baking! Today I made an apple cake, as we had guests. After becoming a mother, it has become more important to me to be somewhat more of a housewive than before… baking cakes from the ground (i.e. not using any ready-made cake mixes) and ironing the clothes. Perhaps I’m trying to recreate the stability and good feelings represented by my grandparents. My grandfather, whom I considered as my “father”, died seven years ago, and I still miss him. My grandmother is still living and in good health, but someday she’ll pass away, and my second set of parents, my favourite set, will be gone. And it will be, as a matter of fact it is already, up to me to bring on the things I learned from them.

As my father failed in all ways, except in providing us with enough money, and my mother also is a victime of his tyrannic behaviour, I’ve always regarded my grandparents as my role models. (They are my mother’s parents)

Wednesday’s work session with our auditor went well. We’ll have another one next week, but I’m not so tense about it. But, I’ve made another mistake, effecting all the employees. I’ve forgotten to report to the government tax office the income and the tax they’ve paid during the last year… I get uncertain about myself… previously I never made any mistakes… I’m a perfectionist, and have always been preoccupied with never making any mistakes. But this is one… and yesterday I came 30 minutes late to an appointment. That’s not like me either. I don’t understand why I’m making mistakes. And - the worst (?) thing is that I’m rather calm about it. My husband tells me I’m becoming normal…

Oh, no, not again! :(

Will I ever learn? Why must I always wait to the last possible chance to do important stuff? I have this task at work that I shuld have done in January. But, did I? No, of course not, I’ve postponed it to the last possible day - today! Three months I’ve had to do this important task. Knowing all along that one day our auditor would come and go through last year’s financial statements. Tomorrow is the day, and today I have to do all the things that needs to be done before the auditor can check our financial statements.

Why don’t I ever learn? Why do I have to postpone to the last minute things I could have done in the previous months, giving me time to discover any errors and correct them, without the stress!! This repeats itself everytime something big is due! I did this with my reading to exams when studying, and I’ve continued doing it with work tasks. I even do it at home, when cleaning or baking before visitors are due…

Workday is finally over...

I’m waiting for my husband and son to come and collect me, and I must say that I’ve worked fairly well today. Because I was under pressure (see other post today) I was able to concentrate and focus on my work. I must make a commitment to stop surfing the internet while at work. I know a lot of hours are wasted on that!

So, I’m feeling prepared for tomorrow’s meeting with the auditor, but I’m still a little tense about it… Will she ask me questions I don’t remember the answer to? I hate it when asked things I haven’t prepared for, thus not able to answer at the top of my head… I’m afraid that makes me look stupid! And my memory is VERY poor!