Is there a little person growing inside?

Look at that beautiful little person! It’s a picture I found googling for “embryo” and this one is 3 weeks old. Already one can see that he/she has eyes and some internal organs or structures, and two little legs… Oh, I’m so hoping to experience another miracle!

I'm in control

Had my last appointment with my physiotherapist today. It was my decision to end it, but we agreed upon it. I’ve come a long way, and I’m happy for all the progress she’s helped me achieved. I’ve never taken such a decision before, always feared for hurting the other person, and also thinking that they as a skilled person know better than me when it’s time to end a therapeutic relationship. But it feels good to be able to make my own decision. It’s my life and my responsibility to make it a fairly good one.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday, but it was negative. I’m still hoping that there is a baby starting to develop, that the test was to early to give a reliable answer. My husband is so calm about it, if it happens its ok, if it doesn’t that’s ok too. If only I could be that calm about it! I was the last time, because I didn’t believe I could get pregnant, so it took me a long time to realise that it was in fact a baby growing inside. Then I thought about all the things that could go wrong, and was convinced the baby would die inside me, or right after being born. Lucky for me, none of my fears became true, the boy is now 2,5 yrs old and healthy.

The cat is out of the bag...

No more secrets and lies! I sent my husband an all-revealing email earlier today, and I feel so relieved! The sun shines outside and I actually enjoy it. I detailed all about my credit card debts and my latest CED-activities (compulsive eating disorder) which he didn’t know about until now… I also made a list of things I’m supposed to do or goals I’m supposed to achieve, but I can’t see how I’ll do that… I guess he’ll be disappointed with me, sort of giving up on always striving to be the perfect person. I’m tired of trying and trying, only resulting in creating more negative stress for myself. I think its time I say, OK, this is me. These are my positive and my negative sides.

I’ve always tried to do better, to be as others are, never accepting that I’m OK as I am. At work I’ve tried to excel, to deliver more than is expected from me, to make my boss stunned by my “perfect” work. But now, it’s not working. I’m delivering barely on schedule, finding hard to concentrate, and I don’t have the energy to do anything… What’s the point in doing something acceptable, when I can’t make everything perfect? At home I’ve tried to be more like my husband. He’s the housekeeper, he makes every dinner, he’s got the energy to do several household chores everyday - after work! My level of activities will never match his. To me household chores are BORING. To him it’s a necessary thing to be done, and he manage to motivate himself to do them. I tend to wait until we get visitors or the task is loooong overdue. He’s not satisified with my level of activity, and I agree, but I don’t see how I can mobilise enough energy or motivation to do more… Earlier it was sort of okay to him that I did less than him, when I was depressed, but as I now regard myself much better, he’s irritated over my low level of activity. And I can understand him, it is not fair that one person in a household does way more than the other. I wouldn’t like it if it was the other way around… but how to do something and be satisified with that something instead of thinking about all the other things I didn’t manage, that I don’t know how to achieve… and in the meantime, all my energy goes to thinking about my low performances and what others must think about me… when will my boss tell me to consider quitting my job or my husband tell me that he’s tired of waiting for me to do more…

That’s today’s status.

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Update:

My husband answered that it was sad for me to have these problems (as detailed above) and that he wanted to help me get rid of the problems. That wasn’t exactly the answer I’d hoped for. I guess I wanted him to say that he loves me despite of my problems. By telling me he’ll help me get rid of my problems, he sort of says that I’m OK but I should get rid of those problems in order to be loved… that’s how I understood it. But, we talked it thru and it’s good not having any secrets.

St Dymphna - my patron saint

Daughter of a pagan Irish chieftain named Damon, and a beautiful devoted Christian woman whose name has not come down to us. Her mother died when Dymphna was a teenager. Her father searched the Western world for a woman to replace his wife, but none could. Returning home, he saw that his daughter was as beautiful as her mother, and maddened by grief, he made advances on her. She fought him off, then fled to Belgium with Saint Gerebernus, an elderly priest and family friend.

Dymphna’s father searched for them, and his search led to Belgium. There an innkeeper refused to accept his money, knowing it was difficult to exchange. This told Damon that his daughter was close - it would be unusual for a village innkeeper to know a lot about foreign currency, and his knowledge indicated that had recently seen it. The king concentrated his search in the area. When he found them in Gheel, he beheaded Gerebernus, and demanded that Dymphna surrender to him. She refused, and he killed her in a rage.

The site where she died is known for its miraculous healings of the insane and possessed. There is now a well-known institution on the site, and her relics are reported to cure insanity and epilepsy.

Source: The text is quoted from the Patron Saint Index at http://saints.sqpn.com/saintd01.htm

About halfway in lent, and still keeping my sacrifices…

I know one’s not supposed to brag about fasting, but as this is meant to be a personal blog, I regard it not as bragging, but simply stating the fact that I still manage to keep my sacrifices. I’ve even ended to magazine subscriptions today, as I saw that I don’t have the time to read them. This lenten sacrificing business is making me more satisfied with myself as I put my principles into action. I’ve had all these good principles in my head for some time, but have been rather dissatisfied with my failing to live by them. Lent is therefore a good time to put into action what I’ve been thinking about for some time.

Doing my daily round collecting and sending the mail for my office, I covered my head with a scarf - much like a muslim with some hair showing at my forehead. I did this because of the rain. And did not get any strange looks. It feels so right to cover, so I use every opportunity I’ve got, to do it. But, using a beret when it’s snowing or a scarf in rainy weather doesn’t make me stand out from the rest, and thus no one is able to see that I’m covering for religious reasons. I dream about going to a different town and cover my head just to see how it would be… Maybe on a holiday some time?

I can’t remember if I’ve posted some sort of explanation for my covering conviction? Well, it is according to the Bible. I can’t remember the exact place, but somewhere in the letters, St Paul writes about how a woman is to behave. She should among other things keep her hair long (it is stated that cutting one’s hair is wrong - it is the same as shaving the whole thing off) and to cover her head for the sake of the angels. In order to show that the woman has accepted being subordinated under her husband. Some say that the hair is the cover, but others says that that’s a translation mistake, and the covering should be in addition to the hair. That’s why I want to cover my head. To show that I’m subordinate under God. (The chain or rank of order is God-church-man-woman) Especially when praying I feel a need to bow my head and cover it, I’m talking to/with God! I know for certain that if I was to meet him, I would kneel down and bow my head in His presence. He is the Almighty, the Highest! I’m also trying to oppose to the mainstream thought in the society, that money and glamour and status makes one happy. And that people should be juged by their appearance and not inner qualities. Vain. And finally, in support to the muslim women who wear their hijab according to their religious or cultural beliefs. I can’t believe the Western countries banning hijabs in schools, workplaces and so on. I mean, to the hijabis, going out without that piece of clothing, is as if a non-coverer should stop wearing her trousers or blouse… They feel naked.

I took a pregnancy test today, but it was negative… I know it was too early, but I thought I could feel some of the symptoms known from the last time I was pregnant. That’s some sort of stretching ache very low on both sides of the stomach. But it could also be me wanting them to be the first signs of pregnancy… It could just be some bowel or congestion pains… :-S I must try to be more patient, and wait another week or so before I do more testing…

My lenten sacrifices

Today is day 15 of the lent, and I’m satisfied with the fact that I’ve managed to sacrifice the things I decided upon. But, I have to admit that it’s not always easy. Everyday I’m tempted to break my promises. I need to pray and stay focused. These are the sacrifices I’ll make this lent:

• No magazine purchases
• no clothing/accessories purchases
• no jewelry purchases
• use as little money as possible on items not considered as necessary (in a rigid sense)

In addition I’m trying to (this is sort of what everyone’s supposed to do in lent)

• keep my everday eating simple (no cakes etc in weekdays)
• study the Bible
• donate money to Caritas
• eat fish every friday (and of course the fasting of Ashwednesday and Good Friday)

I’m doing this not primarily to please God, but to teach myself a lesson about how having compassion with those less fortunate (moneywise) and about what material goods is neccessary and not, in order to live a good life. It is good for me personally, and it is also sound for the global environment and climate. Even back in the 4 th century, Evagrios of Pontos, made this ”recipe” for the good/morally good life: Eat little and simple food, sleep on the ground, get rid of most posessions, live by yourself and talk to no-one. OK, that last advice I’m not thinking about taking up on, but the others - are ever important advices!

God, please give me the courage...

I ask God to give me the courage I need to put my conviction about covering my head as a sign for submission, into practice. St. Paul states clearly in the Bible that women need to let their hair grow and cover it as a sign for submission and to honour God. St. Paul talks specifically about how women is to behave in churches, but many women, including me, are convinced that a head-cover is needed whenever one “talks” to God.

Although I’ve been convinced about the covering need for some time, the courage hasn’t come. I live in a society where the hijab most of the time is viewed as an humiliating instrument used by dominant fathers and husbands to control their daughters/wifes. Muslim women wanting to use the hijab may face difficulties in getting a job, as employers ban hijab use on their workplace, and attracts negative public attention from others. Of course som muslim women are dominated by their fathers/husbands, as are some women from all religions, the hijab it self isn’t the problem. (more about that later) I admire the hijabis as they have the courage to display to everyone their faith and in doing so, distinguish themselves from the main feminine styles of the western world. To me they portray modest femininity beautifully.

When choosing among the various head-covering styles, this (picture on left) is my favourite. It’s called the Dutch Crown and is shown at www.tznius.com (a jewish headcover webshop). The picture at the top is from the same site and is called a snood. It would be my number 2 favourite. Probably more practical as it is a headband with a “bag” to put ones hair in. The Dutch Crown is made of a large scarf and is probably more likely to fall off during the day.

I have a lot of scarfs at home, in different styles, sizes and colors. I can easily picture myself using them everyday. But, I really need the courage… I get discouraged when thinking about all the attention I would get… people asking me or simply assuming I’ve become a muslim. All the explanation I would have to do. I’m afraid I can’t see it happening in the near future…