The cat is out of the bag...

No more secrets and lies! I sent my husband an all-revealing email earlier today, and I feel so relieved! The sun shines outside and I actually enjoy it. I detailed all about my credit card debts and my latest CED-activities (compulsive eating disorder) which he didn’t know about until now… I also made a list of things I’m supposed to do or goals I’m supposed to achieve, but I can’t see how I’ll do that… I guess he’ll be disappointed with me, sort of giving up on always striving to be the perfect person. I’m tired of trying and trying, only resulting in creating more negative stress for myself. I think its time I say, OK, this is me. These are my positive and my negative sides.

I’ve always tried to do better, to be as others are, never accepting that I’m OK as I am. At work I’ve tried to excel, to deliver more than is expected from me, to make my boss stunned by my “perfect” work. But now, it’s not working. I’m delivering barely on schedule, finding hard to concentrate, and I don’t have the energy to do anything… What’s the point in doing something acceptable, when I can’t make everything perfect? At home I’ve tried to be more like my husband. He’s the housekeeper, he makes every dinner, he’s got the energy to do several household chores everyday - after work! My level of activities will never match his. To me household chores are BORING. To him it’s a necessary thing to be done, and he manage to motivate himself to do them. I tend to wait until we get visitors or the task is loooong overdue. He’s not satisified with my level of activity, and I agree, but I don’t see how I can mobilise enough energy or motivation to do more… Earlier it was sort of okay to him that I did less than him, when I was depressed, but as I now regard myself much better, he’s irritated over my low level of activity. And I can understand him, it is not fair that one person in a household does way more than the other. I wouldn’t like it if it was the other way around… but how to do something and be satisified with that something instead of thinking about all the other things I didn’t manage, that I don’t know how to achieve… and in the meantime, all my energy goes to thinking about my low performances and what others must think about me… when will my boss tell me to consider quitting my job or my husband tell me that he’s tired of waiting for me to do more…

That’s today’s status.

————————————————————————————————————————-

Update:

My husband answered that it was sad for me to have these problems (as detailed above) and that he wanted to help me get rid of the problems. That wasn’t exactly the answer I’d hoped for. I guess I wanted him to say that he loves me despite of my problems. By telling me he’ll help me get rid of my problems, he sort of says that I’m OK but I should get rid of those problems in order to be loved… that’s how I understood it. But, we talked it thru and it’s good not having any secrets.