Long gone

Since my last post (in October last year) a lot has happened in my life. I'll write more about that later. This is just a quick update.

Our beautiful baby girl was born on May the 20th (c-section) and she's perfect. Our son is a kind big brother showing a lot of care for his little sister. He's sometime little bit of jealous, but that's normal. I'm currently staying at home on mother's leave. I will be at home until spring next year, at least. I'm at the moment not at all longing to get back to work, in fact quite the opposite.

I'm enjoying life as a mother of two (three if counting the dog).

Afraid of Christianity!

Read in the newspaper that in a new textbook, to be used in a subject called Religion and Ethics, for the Norwegian primary, or was it secondary, school the notions B.C and A.D. are replaced by something like After Ordinary Time counting (AOT) (bad translation), being religion neutral!

I think this is just stupid! The notions have been used since forever, and now the textbook authors have to make up a new notion simply because the book should be neutral to all religions.

Its a main tendency in Norway, to remove all references to religion from the public space and becoming neutral. I can’t see why that’s so important! Norway’s been a Christian country since 1030 AD, and why do we need to remove that reference from peoples’ everyday lives and make it something for the history interested. If any of our immigrants are troubled by Norway being a Christian country, they need to adjust themselves, or go somewhere else. But I don’t think it’s the immigrants that complains, I think it’s secular people around in various leading positions, trying to remove the Christian faith and all its references, because religion doesn’t mean anything to them.

Norwegians doesn’t seem to need a God to believe in. One’s satisfied with oneself and ones’ life, and if not, its only one person who can fix it, and that’s oneself! It’s a very self oriented society, where the aims are to realize ones utmost potentials, taking less care of hurting someone or sacrificing someone in the process.

I don’t like it nor do I approve of it. Although we have a lot of benefits in this country, we’re at the top, or among the top) of the countries when it comes to suicides and depressions. That’s a warning signal of a cold and harsh society!

Naked

I went to a store today and wore a t-shirt with very short sleeves and jogging-trousers somewhat thight-fitted and just below the knee in length. Not an outfit I would wear going to work or to the city, but more of an at-home-outfit I use at home and when going to a store where I drive up to the door and go straight in. Comfortable clothes. Strolling through the store I suddenly saw a Muslim lady with an hijab and long sleeves and long skirt, and I felt almost naked… I felt an urgent need to go home and cover myself somewhat more. If I had wore a t-shirt with half sleeves and a long skirt, I doubt that I would’ve felt the same nakedness.

I’m not a muslim, and I don’t feel a need (or calling) to cover that much, but seeing the Muslim woman and feeling the nakedness - it made me think about which one of us is the most liberated woman… me dressing in fitted clothing showing all my bumps and lumps and bare arms, or her covered and modest, hiding her body under loose fitted clothing. I know that I didn’t feel good in the clothes I wore, all though they were comfortable (stretchable material).

I feel it is due time I start to wear more modest clothing, thus practicing what I believe is true… But a problem arises - what to do with the half-modest clothes I already have? I can’t afford to give away almost all of my clothes in order to buy new more modest ones. Almost all my skirts are just below the knee, and my t-shirts are tight fitting, because I’ve tried to look smaller by not hiding myself under large “tents”… Have I felt comfortable? No - because I’ve been very body conscious, and disliked myself because of my stomach, large breasts and generally large body… And I have probably attracted attention to my body by wearing these clothes.

Can wearing thights under the knee-length skirt make the outfit modest?

Homemaker according to God's will

4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. (Titus 2 (New King James Version))

I’m trying to live according to this, but I’ve only just started on this journey of becoming a “Titus 2 woman”. Due to my father being a psycho-/sociopat (what is the difference?) treating me as his servant, over time I built a lot of anger inside me, and I’ve been determined to not let anyone boss me around like he did. This resulted in me letting my husband do all the housework, cooking and so on. I sought to do less than him, afraid of him becoming my household slave master, like my father was, if I showed him that I too could do some housework. But as my husband is in all manners different from my father (except in the fact that they’re both men), I have nothing to fear.

And, in the recent year, I’ve felt as though my husband manages the household so well without me, that there’s no room for me. He’s only doing the housework because he’s kind to me, but I’ve come to think that he’s doing too much. In doing almost all the household chores, he’s pushed me out of my home in some sort. I think that the woman should be the main homemaker, the one responsible for all the household chores, and that the husband can help her by doing some housework delegated to him by the wife. I’ve seen that when my husband is away on business trips, and I’m responsible for all the household in that period, I’m proud of the work I do, and I’m doing what’s right for me. And it gives me more meaning to my life - I’m needed! I have a role to fill, I have tasks to do.

The family is the main component of a society. That’s the Church’s teaching. The man and the wife have both important roles to fill in the family. To me, it’s difficult to understand how so many women with a family can aspire towards personal realisation through work outside of home. Of course, if one is certain that ones home and family doesn’t suffer from the outside work, one can aspire towards having a career. But that would require the woman to be some sort of super-woman, both able to be a mother, wife, homemaker, and career woman. Or, if all the housework is done by someone else, the career thing would be possible. But one still need enough energy to be a mother and a wife. Even though the Churc teaches that a marriage should be open for children, I think that some people should not have kids. It’s better for a couple pursuing their careers and not open for any other priorities, to refrain from having children, than for them to have children that are unhapy because both parents work too much.

I’m a fan of peoples’ right to choose what’s best for one self. I don’t think we should go back to the fifties where only the unmarried, or widowed women worked. But I think that more women should choose part-time work, or even quitting work for a period, in order to devote themselves to their family and children. As not all women are suited to have children, I don’t want it to become an obligation, but I think it should be a different focus in the society. We need to admire the ones devoting themselves to others, in stead of admiring ego-sentric people aspiring towards the fullfilment of their personal goals, not considering the consequences on others.

Miss Headscarf 2008 in Denmark!

I wonder when we’ll see a worldwide competition of this?! Or, perhaps, in the muslim dominated countries, there’s such a thing already? Denmark’s National Broadcaster, Danmarks Radio, has had a Miss Headscarf competition, where any women wearing a headscarf could enter by sending a photo of themselves wearing a headscarf. And here is the winner and the runner ups. Unfortunately, the text is only in Danish, so if you’re having trouble understanding the words, send me a comment and I’ll translate for you. The text showing is the name of the winner and the runner ups and their ages. År=years. And the other text is some fashion experts’ comments about the headscarf. Positive comments about the colours and patterns on the headscarf, and that wearing a headscarf the way these women does, doesn’t make them unstylish.

Crime's got a face!

Driving home from my in-laws yesterday at 20.00, we witnessed two youngsters stealing a car from in front of the supermarket. We drove past the parking lot several times, and the youngsters saw that we saw them and ran behind the supermarket. Then, we met them driving the car, and we followed them for a short distance. Afraid of getting into trouble with the car thieves, we let them drive off, and drove home. We phoned the police several times, giving the information we had. But I don’t know whether the police did anything about it. If they’d come the first time we called, they could have prevented the car being stolen. Today I called the owner, which is a leasing firm, and reported what we had seen, and left my name and number if they should need it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this, it’s a strange thing to see two ordinary looking boys of 16-18 yrs, committing a crime. It would probably have been strange to see anyone commit a car theft, but I think about the sad fact that these two added another crime to their conscience, or even did something illegal for their first time. (Probably not) I wonder what their lives look like, what sort of upbringing and childhood they’ve experienced. Being a mother to a boy, I also think about their mothers. I feel sorry for the two boys. Normally car theft and other crimes are things I read about in the paper, I haven’t actually seen it done before. And things I read about in the paper is easier to distance myself to, than crimes I see committed. It’s like the crime’s got a face now. And the next time I read about a crime, I can’t distance myself as easy as I used to.

Oh no!

I need to see a dentist. I hate going to the dentist! Yesterday I lost a bit of one of my teeth while eating. It just fell out… Some of my teeth have had so many holes plumbed, that only thin walls remains. So it’s no wonder that bits fall off. But, I have to have it checked by the dentist, and thinking about going to the dentist makes my gums sore and sensitive. Although I always have local anesthetics administered, I hate the whole experience… laying there with my mouth opened to the maximum, having the dentist picking and working inside my mouth. The sounds, the tastes, everything is a nightmare.

And then there’s the talk about me cleening my teeth too poorly, I need to floss, brush, and gurgle twice a day. Of course I don’t, and the result is all the holes in my teeth. But, the comfort eating doesn’t make it much better - being sweets and chocolate…

Uninspired

I guess I “suffer” from a mild post-holiday-depression… I’m back at work after 1,5 week of holiday spent mostly in Spain. I’m finding it hard to concentrate at work. It’s a “downer” to return from an exciting country to the well known Norway and everyday-life with all it’s trivialities… I know that one can’t make a holiday last forever, because eventually one would make one’s new situation “everyday-life”, and the magic will be gone. It’s just a phase…

Spain was great. The weather wasn’t much to write home about, but I liked it, as the cold temperature didn’t make me sweat all the time. I was able to use the same shirt for two days! The others disliked the weather, as they didn’t get the tan they wanted. I tried to visit some of the churches, but found several closed. No information about opening hours was given in English. Only Spanish. My understanding of Spanish is limited to what I can “guess” using my French and English knowledge and a little bit of creativity. But I got to visit one of the most important places, The Monasterio de la Santa Faz! :>

That was a special place! I felt the holiness of the room, I felt that Jesus really was present in the room where the cloth is. I felt a need to cover my head and bend down in prayer, unfortunately I didn’t bring a scarf with me, but I knelt down and prayed. It was magic! After a short time I felt cleansed and at peace and happy. It was like this visit was the purpose and goal of the whole trip. I think I would like to go to there again. The cloth is kept in a container in a richly decorated room, with large paintings of the legend behind this piece of cloth.

My husband called it “the holy handkerchief”.

Travelling stress

Later this week we’re going to Spain. And I’ve got this internal continuous stress… I like experiencing other places, but it’s the travelling bit that stresses me the most. Packing all the things one needs for a week away, and before that making sure that all the potential travelling clothes are clean. And then there’s the time issue. The plane leaves at a given time, and we need to be there with all our luggage and everything sorted out before that given time, otherwise we won’t get in the plane… this is a major stress factor, causing me to have nightmares about me running in airports trying to find the gate where my plane is boarding, and with too little time. The latest nightmare was me shopping in the tax free shop suddenly disvocering that the plan was to board in five minutes, and I didn’t have the slightest clue about where the gate was, and I hadn’t decided what to buy… Although I’ve been travelling by car (several times a year), or airplane, for as long as I can remember, and am used to pack my own bag, I still stress about this! I don’t understand it! I’ve never been late, or missed any flights/trains, and I’ve never forgot to pack anything important, so there’s nothing in my experiences explaining this fear I have.

I hope to visit a lot of Catholic churches, and especially the Monasterio de la Santa Faz, where a relic said to be the veil of St. Veronica is kept. St. Veronica gave her veil to Jesus for him to dry his sweat whilst he was carrying the cross, and He handed it back to her and it had a print of his face upon it. The picture of St. Veronica giving her veil to Jesus is one of the Stations of the Cross, found in every Catholic church.

I’ve seen references made to this “history” by some Catholic head coverers as a proof of Jesus approving female veiling.

I think this is the “container” for the veil. As the webpage was only in Spanish, and my understanding of Spanish is rather minimal (I compare the words to French or English to understand), I’m not sure what the proper name for this ”container” could be. But I did understand that there’s a monastery where this is kept. I think St. Veronica is called St. Clarisa in Spain.

From Wikipedia: This relic was acquired by Pope Nicholas V from relatives of the Byzantium Emperor in 1453. This veil was given by a Vatican cardinal to a Spanish priest, Mosen Pedro Mena, who took it to Alicante in southern Spain, where it arrived in 1489, at the same time as a severe drought. Carried in a procession on 17 March by an Alicante priest, Father Villafranca, a tear sprang from the eye of the face of Christ on the veil and rain began to fall. The relic is now housed in the Monastery of the Holy Face (Monasterio de la Santa Faz), on the outskirts of Alicante, in a chapel built in 1611 and decorated between 1677 and 1680 by the sculptor José Vilanova, the gilder Pere Joan Valero and the painter Juan Conchillos. The chapel is decorated with paintings depicting the miraculous termination of the drought, local personalities associated with the founding of the chapel and religious themes of judgment and salvation. The Monastery was extensively restored between 2003-6, together with the Cathedral of Saint Nicholas and the Basilica of St Mary in the city centre, and the three buildings housed an exhibition in 2006 about the relic under the name of The Face of Eternity. ^[12]

As a method of coping with the travelling stress, I tend to over focus on certain things, such as jewellry and handbags. I need to remind myself that buying new items of these just because I’m stressed doesn’t make anything better. It’s a struggle trying to get rid of these comfort buying tactics. And also not buying, just choosing among the items I already have, is difficult. One day I think a small handbag is the perfect one, the next day it’s a larger bag, then I must choose between colours, shapes, materials, length of straps - can it go across my body or not? As all these thoughts and deciscions draws me away from spending time with God, it’s not a good thing for me to do. Yesterday night I spent several hours in front of my computer surfing the Internet for handbags and jewellry to buy in Spain… If I only could be liberated from all this, and use my time on things that are really good to me!

Obligations

I find myself sometimes still struggling with my obligation to buy less. For example handbags and jewellry. I have to ask myself the question: do I really need this? Then I consider the money - how much good could this amount of money do to a person less fortunate than me? And, wouldn’t this handbag become just another bad buy and pile up in my closet or I have to sell it at the internet for a quarter of the price I paid? And what about the global problem of waste? The more I buy, the more waste I generate.

For some reason it appears as though buying new things is a way of being nice to myself. Whenever I’m feeling somewhat sad or down, spending money on items I really don’t need, have been the main way in which I’ve tried to make me happy again. During the last months, however, it has become clear to me that what makes me happy is not buying new things, but being with my son and my dog. I guess I’ve known this for some thime, but haven’t done anything about it before this lent. My buying stop during lent was really fruitful, and now it’s easier to not buy than buy. Because when thinking about buying an item I really don’t need, I get a bad conscience! And that helps me alot.

My want to contribute to a better world, a world with a more fair ressource distribution, obliges me to do and not do certain things. And though they may feel like a unneccessary sacrifice at the time, I know that it’s the right thing to do. And in the long run it will give me a better conscience. Knowledge should oblige one to act!

The parish priest always emphasise the fact that believing must be followed by action, otherwise one cannot say one believe. That’s a good thing to remember!

Mod(est)ifying some of my clothes

This weekend I’ve modestified some of my clothes. With one skirt, that was formerly just slightly over the knee, I carefully removed the stitches on the line, and added a lace at the bottomline, to make the skirt somewhat longer. And at the waist I opened the double hem and added a button so that the waist is somewhat longer. I didn’t take any pictures, so I don’t know if this explanation made any sense.

This is my sewing machine. I’ve had it for more than five years and I’ve wanted to do more sewing, put it hasn’t happened. Now that I’ve just started, I’m inspired to do more, and will use the trick with lace and other material to make my clothes more modest.

For example, I have some tops with a too low neckline (in front), I’m not comfortable wearing them, afraid that my cleavage may show. I find myself constant checking whether my cleavage is showing, and that is not a good thing to do. And when the weather gets warmer, I can’t use a scarf to hide it either. So I thought that I’ll cut off some fabric at the bottom of the top/tunika, and use it to make the neckline more modest. It’s difficult to find clothes that suit me very good. If it fits around my tummy and bossom, the neckline tends to be plunging! In cold weather I use a wool singlet under the tunika. As I like these tunikas very much, and also because tunikas in the empire style suits me good, I think it’s a good idea to make them more wearable. And it saves me money, as I don’t have to buy new tunikas.

Since lent I haven’t bought all the magazines that I used to, and that gives me more time to do other things, like sewing, that I’ve wanted to do, but hadn’t found the time to before. It really doesn’t take more than a month or so to have new habits. That’s good! Most magazines have a unhealthy focus on body and beauty. There’s only one magazine I’ve found (in Norway) that doesn’t, and that’s “Familien” (=the family). The main focus for this magazine is positive and inspiring reading, it has a somewhat subtile christian focus, and lots of handicraft projects. It’s a real feel good magazine. That’s the only one I’m reading at the moment.

A day to remember

Today is the year-day for the death of my grandfather. I’m both sad, angry, and thankful. When he died, I lost the positive father figure, he was more than a grandfather to me. And it makes me angry that he was the one to die and not my biological father. I’d much rather see him dead than my grandfather. But I’m also thankful to my grandparents, for all the good times, for all the positive input we received. For their great importance in making our lives better. If it hadn’t been for my grandparents, I don’t know if we (me and my siblings) would’ve made it the way we have. It was of unvaluable importance to have a pair of grandparents telling us how much we meant to them, showing us how happy we made them, and so on. Being with them was like paradise compared to the terror at home.

The most important thing my grandfather thaught me was this: Everytime I packed my bags after visiting, and I was alone in the room, he would enter and talk to me. And he always said that if I did my best (for example at school) no-one could be unsatisified with me. He said it very quietly. Looking back I can see that he said this to strengthen me, because he knew my father. And he was always content with my school results. As opposed to the father I grew up with, who was always unsatisified and asked me what I could have done to make it better next time. Eventhough I got the second best grade!

Jewellry?

In 1 Timothy 2:9-10 St. Paul writes about what women should adorn themselves with: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.

And now some questions arise: does this mean that we are not to use jewellry altogether, or is it only pearls and gold that are not “allowed”? Does this mean that we can use silver jewellry? Or, if a woman has her focus on good works, can she use some jewellry (even in gold), as long as she doesn’t overfocus on it, and keep it modest and simple? And in that case, who’s to draw the line between modest and too much jewellry? And why exactly does St. Paul tell the women to stay away from gold, pearls and costly arrays?

There’s a woman I know that only wear a simple gold cross (like in the picture) around her neck. And that’s all the jewellry I’ve seen her with. I don’t see that as a problem, even though I know what St. Paul wrote about gold and pearls. Her gold cross shows that she’s a Christian, and together with her good behaviour, her compassion for others, it reminds me and inspires me of how a Christian should lead one’s life. To non believers, I’m sure her silent witness mark and her good works combines to give them a good impression of the Christian faith.

My wedding ring is in gold, and I don’t think a gold cross pendant is a wrong thing, because it sort of shows the importance one place on one’s faith. But, I must confess, I’ve used a lot of money on gold and silver jewellry. I’ve had cross pendants in all shapes and materials. Some with and some without the crucifix. (I use past term, because during lent I changed this habit of comfort buying, and instead sold some of my pieces on the Internet.) For now I think I will conclude with a principle of modest and simple/minimalistic jewellry, in gold or silver. A cross pendant as a silent witness of my faith. Keeping in mind the words of St. Paul, trying to focus on good works in stead of what jewellry to wear. But, I’ll do some Bible reading and studying on the subject, so the issue is not closed.

Hairs everywhere!

Our little princess is currently in the midst of an shedding period, and it’s white dog hairs everywhere! And I mean, everywhere. I vacuumed the entire flat earlier today, and it’s already starting to pile up in the corners. Normally I don’t care about the hairs, but nowadays it’s too much! I’m hoping for her shedding to stop soon!

On to something completely different. I feel somewhat sad, is that the feeling…, I think it’s such a distance between my principles and ideals, and my actual everyday life. Will I ever live by my principles? Is there any point in having principles if I’ll never ever get to live by them? Or at least come near? Should I perhaps adjust my principles? I don’t know. There is so many different “truths” and “right ways/guidelines”. Even within the Catholic Church. There’s the official teachings, and there’s peoples’ practice. Who am I to listen to? There’s a number of different ways to read the Bible. Some Christians take all the Biblical guidelines and teachings literally, some say the Bible itself is enough, some interpret the Bible in context of a tradition (like the Catholics), some choose the Biblical teachings and guidelines they feel apply to them, some take all, and some take just a few. And everybody claims to have the “truth” and “the right way”. Everybody claims to know what the Lord wants from us, and expects from us.

How can I interpret some of the Biblical teachings literally as applying to me, and ignore others? Isn’t it correct to take all or none? And does the New Testament overrule the Old? The Catholic church teaches that the Bible is a book written and compiled by humans under the guidance of the Lord. It’s not an historically correct account, and it’s written and compiled within a tradition and context. The early Christians adopted some of the customs from their time and made them Christian. The bread and wine for example. When Jesus ate his last supper with the disciples, he probably didn’t have the small oblates we eat, to hand out, but took a normal bread for his time, and shared it. Does this mean that we have to do exactly the same as Him? Is the oblate bread “wrong”? And what about all the things we meet in our time, not mentioned in the Bible.

For example, people living otherwise plain and simple lives, have a nice looking website. Is this correct or is it wrong? The Bible says nothing about it, because the Internet wasn’t exactly invented at that time. But nowadays the Internet is common, and having a webpage promoting plain and simple life may be somewhat of a missionary thing, telling others about ones life and faith, and encouraging people around the world to stand up for their beliefs.

Just some of my thoughts.

Mummy, you mustn't sleep!

Yesterday me and my son went to an evening mass, and when entering the church, after doing the cross mark with the water at the door, my son asked (loud of course) “the priest’s where?”.

Being an evening mass, the church wasn’t full, but everyone was quiet. I told him that the priest would come soon. We brought along some of his small cars to play with and a book for him to look in. He’s only been to Sunday masses earlier, and then the church tends to be more than full, so yesterday he got some space to move around in and to look at the other church-goers.

He walked around a bit, but when we were standing, confessing our sins and praying, everyone was closing their eyes and head down, he said “look mummy, everyone’s sleeping!” also a bit loud… and then when we’re supposed to kneel and I can’t do that because of knee pains, I sit at the front of the seat and close my eyes and tilt my head down, he said to me “mummy, you mustn’t sleep!” I smiled and told him I wasn’t sleeping, I was talking to God and Jesus quietly inside me. “Oh, talking to Jesus, ‘tly”, he replied. After kneeling for a bit we raise up to pray the Lord’s prayer, and one of the women raised up standing before the rest of us, and my son commented, pointing at the woman, to everyone’s hearing, “she stands, she stands!”

I try not to be stressed about my son making small noises and comments like these, but I must say it’s a struggle. The priest has told me not to be afraid of bringing him along, because it is better for us to come and him to make some noise than us not coming. That helps me. But I’m very conscius about what the other church-goers may think. On the other hand I wish to make him comfortable in the church room, feel somewhat at home in the house of the Lord, and to do that I need to start early. I want him to think of church as a good place to be.

My husband is non-denominal (he doesn’t belong to any church) nor does he believe in God, but he respects my beliefs, and he’s ok with me giving our son a catholic faith. It wouldn’t have worked, had he not been ok with it. So I don’t have him beside me to help me with the boy in church. I’ve never had any other man/boyfriend that my husband, so I don’t know how it is to be married to a person of the same faith, but I think it would be nice if he shared my beliefs and we were able to talk about it as two believers not as one believer and one agnostic. He doesn’t give me any faith input. But he’s good in so many other ways, so I didn’t let the faith issue decide.

Pains make me afraid... (baby no. 2?)

When in bed with my mucle pains and fever (some sort of flu or infection) last weekend, I began remembering the labour pains. Because the localisation of these pains were largely the same as the pains I head when giving birth. And I thought that I’ll never be able to give birth again, because of the anxitey resulting from having this much pain.

Due to my lack of control over my body when growing up (incest experience) it is very important to me to have control over my body, or at least feel that I have some sort of control. Whenever I experience some sort of pain, ranging from my period to the ultimate pain experience giving birth, I’m filled with anxiety. I’m afraid of the pain in a way I can’t explain. And hence, I don’t understand my reaction.

And, in relation to this, I think a lot about having a second baby. Before last weekend I associated having babies with the joy and excitment of being a part of God’s creation will, and looking at the ultrasound pictures, wondering how this little person inside me is going to be. He’s so close, yet so foreign to me!

But, having rekindled the memory of the labour pains, and especially all the anxiety I had after the birth, I’m in doubt as to whether to have a second baby or not… The question is, am I in a position where I can decide whether to have or not a second baby? There are so many things to consider!

The Church’s teachings

According to the Church’s official teachings, a marriage is a lifelong commitment (it’s actually of such great importance that it’s considered as one of the sacraments) between a man and a women. The marriage is formed to the benefit of the man and the woman, but also to the society. The marriage is the smallest “building cell” of a society. And every marriage must be entered into with an openness to having children. Or receiving the children that God gives the couple, thus taking part in God’s creation will or order. The Church also teaches that the only acceptable form for contraceptives is abstaining. And it is up to the couple to decide the number of children. The children is seen as a gift or blessing from God.

The society’s “teachings”

The main trend in Norway is to have one’s first child at the age of 29-30 (woman) and then having two to three kids. A lot of peoples have their kids fairly close in age, probably because of their starting age and then they want to get done with the kids being small and needy, fairly quickly. Kids are seen as both a good and a blockage thing. It’s seen as normal to have kids, although not everyone’s prepared to make the “sacrifices” one must to cater properly for the kids’ needs. Having been adult without kids for some years (maybe as much as 15 years) one develop certain habits and routines, and a number of new parents find it hard to cut down on clubbing, boys- and girls- outings, and personal fitness programs. It’s not seen as normal to bring one’s children along to all the things the adults does. Going to cafés with a baby is ok, but not if the kid’s passed 1-2 years. Gyms have babysitting facilities, and going to restaurants for dinner, the kid has to be at home or looked after by someone else. In southern Europe this is different, there it is common to see large families having dinner at a restaurant at 20.00 and on, all ages present.

The couple can decide how many kids to have, and the publically correct opinion is that a mother should continue persuing her career and self realisation anyhow. Having children should not block or put one back from these goals. (NB! Being a mother is not seen as a valid self realisation goal.) Having children is just one of the roles and functions a woman has. Along with being a wife and partner, career woman, friend, and so on.

My ”teachings”

To me, being a mother is the most important thing I can be. It has given me a purpose for living. All my past and my future life will be used in order to be the best mother I can be. It is great to have been chosen by God to participate in his creation will/order. He saw me fit to be a mother, and I’m forever grateful.

I’m first and foremost a mother, and thus, I let the consideration to my son overrule any other consideration. I don’t care for having a career, that doesn’t make me happy. Being a mother does!

Then, if God wants me to have a second baby, and He thinks I’m fit and capable, then I will. But how may I know? I pray for Him to give us a second child if that’s what He wants. I’m very content with having only one, because the one is such a large and valuable gift! He’s all I ever could have wanted! He’s perfect!

I also pray for the Lord to give me the courage and strength needed to give birth to a second child, if I’m having one. My son deserves a sister or brother, and I know we have room in my family (time, love, space etc), both the small one and the more extended one. I mustn’t let my anxiety win, but I need to find out how to overcome and live with the anxiety as well. I think I would regret having only one kid, should it be due to me being afraid of giving birth and worrying too much for the future… none of my worries have been true so far, it’s due time for me trying to worry less!

A true blessing!

Yesterday I was stuck in bed for the most of the day with muscle pains and fever. Our beautiful son (2,5 yrs old) cared for me, on his own initiative! We are so proud of the boy, showing genuine consideration for others. We haven’t done anything in particular to make him do this. We care very much for him and always try to meet his needs as we find it best. And we acknowledge and appreciate his caring for others, and tells him about it.

When I said to my husband and son that I was going back to bed after finishing breakfast, our boy jumped up and said, I’ll go and prepare the bed for you, mummy. He went to the bedroom and found me several of his “shirts” (he uses his father’s used t-shirts for cuddling, and calls them shirts). He also asked me if I wanted a pacifier. I smiled and thanked him no. Not making fun of him for his concern. He likes to have his pacifier when lying in bed, so it is only natural that he thought I would like it as well. Then he rushed downstairs to get some of his books so that he could read for me. He sat beside me in our bed and read (ie talking about the pictures) to me. After finishing one book, he went back downstairs with that and got another one upstairs to read me more. He really is a good boy!

And today, at the parent-teacher talk at his kindergarten (which I couldn’t attend due to my illness), my husband heard only positive things about our son. He’s very much liked by the other kids, helping and sharing.

Of course he can be angry and he’s got some temper when he doesn’t get his will. But, I always remind that it’s ok to be angry, but one should always say one’s sorry and ask for forgiveness when hurting others. Deliberately or not. We are his main examples when growing up, so we try to live by the same standards as we teach him. And I always tells him that I love him no matter how angry he is. Because when he’s angry he’s also crying.

I thank the Lord for blessing us with this precious boy, a real gift for our family. Not only for my husband and me, but also to his grandparents and aunts and uncles. And, it is such a givng task, to have to put my feelings aside and focus on my son. And to be able to guide and comfort him in his journey towards adulthood. It can be hard at times, but it is also very giving.

A day in skirt

Some of the blogs I read have done “a week in modest dress”-things where the blog writer takes a picture of herself everyday in a week. This is Anna in Veiled Glory. That’s one of the most inspiring thing to read about, as this shows ordinary people putting their stand on modest clothing into practise. That’s one of my main current goals. Today I’ve spent the entire day in modest clothes, long sleeved shirt and long black denim skirt. It makes me feel good. My consience is good and I feel like a woman. All my skirts are either knee length or mid calf length. None are shorter. But with the knee lengths, I’m constantly checking to see that it hasn’t slipped over the knee, and when bending down, I’m thinking about how much of my legs are showing. But the most uncomfortable aspect is the need for panty-hose. I really hate wearing panty-hoses, whatever the thickness of it. I never seem to find the right size. It’s either too large or too small, or if it fits my legs, it sure doesn’t fit the rest…

Walking in the city today, I was approached by a woman from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I got two brochures and a book called “Knowledge”. I thought I might find something inspiring for me in it. I’m not considering changing churches, I’m a convinced catholic, but that doesn’t restrain me from being inspired by other christians’ faith. Imagine the courage this woman has, walking up to complete strangers, starting to talk about God. Think about all the rejection she gets in a day of her mission. I find it sometimes hard to tell people I’m a believer… in fear of the picture they may make of me in their head. But, since becoming a mother and in my 30’s, I’m more confident and doesn’t fear this as much as I used to.

I’ve managed to keep away from chocolate and sweets today. The first days are always the worst. I have to warn my husband… because my temper is not good when quitting comfort-eating. But, it will pass, and I know I can do it, because I’ve done it before (quitting that is). And I visualise the good feeling of internal physical cleanliness I get when not eating the “forbidden” food. I can’t see myself quitting chocolate for life. I think this is the way it could be with me and my comfort-eating. I hope for the periods of non-eating to be longer than the others. And I think about how my son will see me comfort-eating, and perhaps learn from my example. That’s what I did with my mum. The food at home was always very healthy and in the right amounts, but whenever having a good time, eating sweets (chocolate, cakes, etc) was a certainity. And, she has been comfort-eating for years. But, she didn’t admit it until I told her I was doing it...

it's enough!

My tummy is the size of a pregnant woman ready to give birth, I have heartburn and sitting at my desk in the office is not comfortable! :(This would be acceptable if I had been pregnant, but I’m not, and it is all due to me eating too much. This morning I bought a 200 gram chocolate bar and ate it all before lunch. Then I had my two sandwiches for lunch sitting in front of the computer, and when all the others had lunch, I ate 500 dl of yoghurt. And now I feel stuffed. I can’t take this anymore! It is time for a ban on all chocolate, sweets and other extra eating! This has to stop! I’m embarrased about my large tummy, and with summer in sight, it’s time I start right now!!

Of course, I’m not going to be slim in May, but my stomach is going to flatten, and that’s the most important thing! Being large, I’m used to, but looking pregnant, is not good. Oooh, I feel sick just thinking about the amounts of calories I’ve been eating the last months… and to no, absolutely no use what so ever! I’m certain I’ve put on some weight. (I haven’t dared to check) And now it has to come off! I won’t be dieting, I’ll still have butter on my sandwich and eat a piece of cake when offered, but by increasing my level of activity and stop eating extras, I’ll loose some weight.

Inspiration

For some time I’ve been thinking about how God’s mother, the Holy Virgin Mary, could inspire me to lead a better life. I didn’t find the right application in my life for her. Not until I read Kim’s blog (which I often read) and in particular this post about “May it be done to me according to your will, and not mine“. Now I know how the Holy Virgin Mary’s example can inspire me. She dared to follow God’s will for her, knowing, or at least she must have had some thoughts about what she could expect of social consequences… And she probably didn’t know about all the things she’d experience as Jesus’ mother! But she trusted the Lord and relied on Him. That should be my goal also!

But, I find it somewhat difficult to know what is from the Lord, and what is not. Like, does the Lord test us by giving us hard times? Or is the hard times the result of people’s free will, and some people choose not to follow the Lord’s guidance in conducting their lives? And to what detail does the Lord actually guide us?