Dating vs courtship - what's the difference?

I wonder what the differences between dating and courtship are? I saw an episode of the World's strictest parents and the daughter in the house said that she wouldn't date, as dating is the reason why so many people divorces. But courtship was ok. Perhaps courtship is the same as dating without the physical part?

In another program, I heard a girl explaining why she want's to stay pure until married - and she used the image of an apple. If you give yourself to first one guy - and she ate a bite of the apple, then to another one - and she ate another bite - and in the end, it is only the apple's carcass left. That was a good image of how it is. I really enjoy knowing that my husband and I hasn't been intimate with anyone but each other. I don't need to think about how my performance is, he doesn't compare me to anyone!

Children are a blessing

and a gift from God! This family can consider themselves blessed, they have 18 children (+ one on its way)! (I like the girls' dress and hair)

I'm happy with our two beautiful children, I consider them perfect in every way, even when our 4-year old is testing our patience and limits. Of course I'm angry at him sometimes, but when the problem is solved, and the anger is gone (by the way, I'm impressed at how fast that anger passes away in both our son and me), I see the little perfect son he is! Good-looking, smart, kind, and so on. I'm looking forward to get to know our baby daughter too. I wonder how her personality is, what her voice sounds like (when talking, not screaming - that I know!), what her interests will be.<

She's already started to show something. She sleeps well, just as her brother did and still does. By themselves they started sleeping the whole night through at 2-3 months of age. She's put to bed, still awake, but with a full stomach, at 10 pm (+/-), and sleeps to 7.30 or 8.00 am. Perhaps it's because she's bottle fed, I don't know. I haven't heard about breast fed babies sleeping all night at such an early age. And, she sleeps in our bedroom, but in her own bed. Our son slept by our side until he was 3 years. Then he wanted to move into the spare bedroom. Now he's put to sleep in his own bed in his own room, but sometime during the night he walks into ours and sleeps in the middle of our bed. I think it's nice. Waking up with him close to my back, under my doona, is the perfect way to wake up! I lay still, thinking how lucky I am, waiting for him to wake up. :)

Becoming pregnant was never a certainity to me, as I have the PCO-syndrome (poly cystic ovaries) which can affect ones abilities to become pregnant. I'm a pessimist, so I assumed I couldn't become pregnant, and started the adoption process. But when contacting our local authorities, and learning that one couldn't apply for adoption whilst still going to therapy (as I was at the time - in fact still are), I was already pregnant with our son. I was very disappointed with the response from the local authorities, as I knew my husband and I would make good parents. And everyone we know tells us that we are good parents for our two kids.

Even though I'm still in therapy, and have needed extra help and support from professionals after the births (due to me having anxiety and post natal depression), no-one have ever suggested that I shouldn't have children, or that I am unfit as a mother. In fact, the professionals has said that I'm strong, and that it's good of me to seek help when needed. Too many mums hides their problems and tries to make it by themselves. Perhaps ashamed by the thought that they didn't make it as good as they wanted to.

My birthday is tomorrow!

Our son had obviously learnt in kindergarten that September started this Tuesday, and Monday evening, when eating dinner, he was very happing announcing that "my birthday is tomorrow". I said, no, your birthday isn't for another three weeks. But he said, no! you said it's tomorrow! By now he was a bit upset, poor thing! Sometimes I'm puzzled by how fast my brain finds the solution to certain things involving my kids, and I thought, aha, he's learnt that September starts Tuesday, and knowing that his birthday is in September he assumed that September meant his birthday was the day after.

But he still has to wait for a couple of weeks to celebrate his birthday.

I've cut my hair

I didn't cut my hair for 1,5 years, but for a month ago I went from long to bob. I know what the Bible says about women's hair.

1. Cor 11:5 But any woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered disgraces her head, for it is one and the same thing as having a shaved head. 11:6 For if a woman will not cover her head, she should cut off her hair. But if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, she should cover her head. 11:7 For a man should not have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God. But the woman is the glory of the man. 11:8 For man did not come from woman, but woman from man. 11:9 Neither was man created for the sake of woman, but woman for man. 11:10 For this reason a woman should have a symbol of authority 3 on her head, because of the angels. 4 11:11 In any case, in the Lord woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. 11:12 For just as woman came from man, so man comes through woman. But all things come from God. 11:13 Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? 11:14 Does not nature 5 itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace for him, 11:15 but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her for a covering. 6

I really enjoyed my long hair, knowing that it was correct according to the Scriptures, but it became too difficult for me to have my hair long and not cover it. I felt a need to cover this glory, but I don't have the courage to do so. So I thought it's a disgrace to have ones hair uncovered, and it's a disgrace to cut it. By cutting it I felt that I removed the glory I needed to cover... This is difficult for me. I really want to cover my hair, but I fear the attention I will receive if I start to cover. All the explanations, questions, stares etc. Sometimes I think it would be easy to move to another place and start covering, but that's more of a daydream than reality.

I think I will have my hair long again, to let it grow from now, but what should I do when it becomes long and "glory"?

Being "God's assistant" in my everyday life

I read a book called "Tyngdepunktet" (=the pivot), by J.H. Matlary (picture) (on why she became a Catholic), and she writes about how she sees herself as a form of God's assistant in her everyday life. Even when doing the laundry she tries to see that task as an important task in her role as a God's assistant. And she says that everyone can be a God's assistant in his or her everyday life. (Photo taken by Kjetil Ree.© 2009 Kjetil Ree, some rights reserved.)

I really want to be able to see that my household chores are meaningful... I see that they're important, but they seem more boring and uninspiring and I find them easy to postpone until later... But I want to be inspired and do them with a sense of meaningfulness. That this is my important role in life, and that I'm doing what God wants me to do.

I've allways been curious and inspired by nuns. I don't know anyone, but the fact that they've forsaked a lot of the world's goods and possibilites, and lives their lives according to their vocation and in tune with God and with their faith. I've always thought that everyone should think more about others than oneself. But that's not the way of today. The society teaches us to think more about ourselves than others. And that's what the nuns do - they live their lives to help/work for/pray for others. I think that's what inspires me most!

I wonder how life as a nun is. Perhaps a nun also can feel a lack of meaning? I've read that Mother Theresa felt that God was far away and that in spite of her praying, she lived in a darkness.

Our morning routines

We're very lucky having a three months old baby sleeping the whole night through. She's fed at 21 or 22 and then put to bed (awake, she finds her sleep herself, without crying), and sleeps until 7.30 or 8.00. She's even slept to 8.30!

Today (and this is fairly representative for a normal weekday morning), she woke up at 7.30 making noises (not crying) to wake me up. I got up and got dressed and went back to pick her up, and she smiles at me when seeing me coming to get her. We went downstairs and I made her a bottle and fed her whilst watching the morning show (Good Morning Norway) at TV and eating my breakfast (sandwiches prepared by my husband).

Usually our son is up and sits together with me watching the show and eating his breakfast. But today he slept until 8. And I made him his breakfast (yoghurt and müsli). Then I dress our girl and our son and tidy up and make us all ready to walk to his kindergarten. Allthough I'm at home now, he's in kindergarten from 9.30 until 15.00 to play with the other kids. There's no one home at this time of day for him to play with. The walk to and from his kindergarten takes appr. half an hour. When I'm back at 10.00 I read the newspaper and have a cup of tea.

My husband has already gone to work by bus by the time we get up.

Baptism problem solved

I had a talk with the new priest, and he understood my situation being the only Catholic in the family and having no Catholic friends og acquaintances. And he said that he'd ask someone to be the Catholic sponsor for our baby girl and pray for her.

Our girl is to be baptized next weekend, and the party is to be held at a hotel. So there's minimal stress for us. My mother will bake some cakes and make the dress ready (she only needs to exchange the ribbons, from blue to pink). She made the dress to our son's baptism 3,5 years ago. It is very beautiful.

I now look forward to the day both to have her baptized and thus a member of the Church and receive the Holy Spirit. And to celebrate her, our beautiful and gorgeous little girl.

Apropos little - she's grown 10 cm since her birth three months ago. She's now 61 cm long.

"Going to church is no fun"

Today the whole family went to church. My husband as moral support for me, as it's been half a year since I last went because I felt pressured to lead sunday school for the little ones. And I don't want to do it. I've attended the sunday school together with my son, and said I could help out whenever present, but not be in charge. This message somehow didn't get through to the people in charge, and I was sent a list of spring's sunday school dates and asked "which one(s) do you want to lead?" I was in a difficult dilemma... I didn't want to lead and I felt I couldn't say no and still attend mass and sunday school, so I stopped going to church for this last 6 months.

It was of course a difficult thing to do, as I need to go to church regularly to get my spiritual refills, but I didn't have the courage to face the organisators of the sunday school and their continous questions about me leading it.

But today I made a new start. We got a new priest and it's a new month, and I gathered courage by thinking that the organisators are in fact rude by pressuring me to do something I don't want to, and that I have as much right as they to come to church. And I brought along both our new baby girl, our son and my husband.

After mass I was exhausted of the tension I had inside. A couple of women congratulated me with the baby, but other than that I didn't speek to anyone. One of the sunday school organisator asked if having a new baby was the reason why I hadn't been to church for a while, and I simply answered yes.

The problem with this church is that it's too small. Both in terms of actual size of the building and in terms of people going there. That seems like a contradiction, but it's true. There's too many people at every mass, and the church is too hot and overcrowded with people. And there's few other families with small children. Perhaps they belong to the church but doesn't attend mass due to the seating problems (one does get a bad concious for ones active child occupying a seat whilst adults are standing at the back of the church). And there's certainly very few (if any) other Norwegian families with small children. I think our son is the only Norwegian kid. The others are Polish and Vietnamese. And they have their own masses and their own communities within the church. It's somewhat strange being a minority in ones own country... I don't mind getting to know people of different heritages, but it's not easy when they tend to talk their own language amongst themselves.

Our son said that it was no fun going to church. And I agreed with him. It's not funny, but it can be nice and spiritual refilling. But today's mass didn't actually make me want to do it again... it's too hot in the church, with too many people and too little space and air, and I'm constantly thinking about how to make our son learn something and behave properly. It's a stress, and I'm happy when the mass is finished. Attending the sunday school isn't very good either, because it tends to be only a place where the kids can play, and doesn't receive any teaching, and because it's in a different room, I don't get to hear the priest's sermon.

I really don't know what to do. I'm convinced that the Catholic church is the right place for me to worship, and it's the right faith to teach my children, but the masses are not children-friendly, and there's no avtivities for families and kids under the age of 7 (when they're starting to prepare themselves for the first holy communion). And I know that in the lutheran church close to where we live, there's a thriving congregation consisting of many families like our, and they have a vast offer of sunday school adjusted to the kids' ages. What's more important? Activities or content? Lutheran activities and Catholic content would be perfect...

Kabul beauty school

I've read this book, and recommend it to others. It's interesting to read about women's situations around the world.

Click the picture to open the publisher's page about the book. (I tried to paste the text, but nothing appeared...:(

Baptism problem

The Church says that we need a Catholic sponsor for our girl's baptism. And I don't know anyone to ask. I'm the only Catholic in my family, and I have no Catholic friends or acquaintances. I've thought about this since I first learned that I was pregnant, wondering how to solve this problem.

I've contacted the priest in my church and explained the problem to him. And he says that we (I assume he'll help us) could find a sponsor in the church. He understood my thinking (I asked if we really needed to have a Catholic sponsor as we don't know anyone) but he said that this rule is from the early days of the church showing that a baptism is the church/congregation's collective responsability. And that a person in my situation (being the only Catholic in my family and friends) really needed a good sponsor. That's a nice thought, but having to invite a stranger to a family party (which the baptism is to us) does give me angst. I have a serious problem with making new friends, and is really bad at small talk and talking to people I don't know very well.

But, I really want our baby girl to be baptized, and my mother has made a baptism dress, and if we wait too long, she'll outgrow this dress. I'll be happy when the baptism is done. My husband says that a person willing to become a sponsor for a strange baby probably is an outward person, easy to talk to. I hope he's right. It could be nice to know an experienced Catholic who could help me teach my children the Catholic faith. As my husband doesn't believe in God, that's my sole responsability.

Long gone

Since my last post (in October last year) a lot has happened in my life. I'll write more about that later. This is just a quick update.

Our beautiful baby girl was born on May the 20th (c-section) and she's perfect. Our son is a kind big brother showing a lot of care for his little sister. He's sometime little bit of jealous, but that's normal. I'm currently staying at home on mother's leave. I will be at home until spring next year, at least. I'm at the moment not at all longing to get back to work, in fact quite the opposite.

I'm enjoying life as a mother of two (three if counting the dog).

Cavalier ring

I've ordered this ring from Sculptorstudio in sterling silver. Judging from the photos (I haven't received it yet) it's the finest Cavalier ring I've seen. It's even the cheapest!

I love my Cavalier!

Following Jesus

Deuteronomy 22:5 (New International Version): "A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."

This passage means, to those who follow it, that women should wear skirts and dresses and men not. Inspired by several modest clothes wearing women, I've been wearing skirts everyday for some weeks, because I too believed that the Bible told me to. But the internal consequences wasn't good. I got more concerned about following this passage than doing good deeds, and it also made think judgmental thoughts about other jeans wearing women. I thought that I was somehow better than them as I followed the Lord's directions in this matter. But, while at church this Sunday, it stroke me that all these women in my church wearing jeans or pants, with short or long hair, they might actually be better Christians than me.

I talked to my husband about it. About how much of my focus and energy I've spent on following this passage and what following it has meant to me. And he said "didn't Jesus talk to the Pharisees about how they believed themselves to be more righteous because they followed every rule to detail?" He doesn't believe in God, but he can still have some wise things to say about being a Christian. And he said that Jesus surely is more focused on action than f0llowing every rule to the letter. We agreed that I can wear jeans or skirts, when I feel like it, and that I should focus my energy on following Jesus' example and His teachings about how to be a Christian.

For two days now I've been wearing jeans to work, and it feels OK. I still see the Bible passage, and know that God wants me to dress as a woman, modest and without too much focus on my appearance (more on the inside and my actions), and I still admire those who are able to wear their skirts everyday without becoming a "pharisee" about it, still able to focus on the right things, their actions and prayers. I've realized that I've sort of started in the wrong end of things... changing the outside (how I dress) didn't automatically change my inside... I need to start at the inside by changing the way I think and act, and let that be the main focus of my life.

The moral law requires all women to wear the veil on their hearts. A woman should not wear the veil on her head, until she is wearing it first on her heart. A woman who wears the veil on her heart accepts the place that God gives to women in the Church, the family, and society. Women who wear the veil on their hearts are imitating the Virgin Mary in her humility, submissiveness, and obedience to Christ. The veil should cover her head, but not her face. It is first and foremost symbolic of humility, submissiveness and obedience. From www.catholicplanet.com/women/headcovering.htm

I reckon this can work on clothing as well. And the a lot of Muslim women wear hijab and jeans/pants.

Two gods...

I'm thinking a lot about buying a new handbag for myself. I know I don't need it. I have lots of hand- and shoulderbags at home. But now this idea is fixated in my mind, and it's an internal struggle of reminding myself I don't need another handbag. I have lots of good quality, nice handbags at home. Why is it so important to me to buy new stuff when I don't need it?

13 “No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.” (Luke 16:13)

One thing I could need, is a dress or some skirts. I'm now wearing skirts everyday, and I have three long skirts that I alternate. They're all black, and it could be nice to have some with a hint of color. Perhaps brown? But I'd rather buy myself a new handbag than a piece of clothing. Why's that?

I'm finding it somewhat hard to resist buying new things. It's like all the advertising I've seen and read and heard has thaught me to constantly buy things. To constantly feel a need to buy new things. That buiyng things is normal and can satisfy my needs, define or at least help to build an image of, who I am. Most women magazines are full of both advertising and hints and tips about what to wear/use etc. Most of the items need to be bought, because one has to follow the trends. The handbag bought two years ago is so out of fashion now, because this year it's so and so and so...

And, we, the gullible readers, perhaps more or less self confident, fail to acknowledge or uncover the main reason why they're telling us to buy more things - because the producers need to earn more money! That's the main reason why the fashion industry comes up with new trends every season.

I'm trying to get off this crazy carousel of constantly needing more and different things. It's time I do what is right - by the Bible and by taking the environment in to consideration - stop buying new things when the old things functions!

Hooray!! (and many thanks to the Lord!)

Yesterday, I finally (after 9 months of TTC*) got to see two purple stripes at my pregnancy test!! :->

As you can see on the pregnancy widget (right) there's a tiny new person (a true miracle! :)) developing inside me! I think it's at the size of a poppy seed... not very large ;) But it's wonderful to think about how this development goes on without me controlling it in any way!

It's at it's early beginning, I just tested positive yesterday, and haven't informed all of my friends and family yet! But as I'm anonymous here, I thought this was a good place to "talk" about this joy, miracle, etc! In fact, I've tested so many negative tests, that I still have some trouble believing that it is true... I think I should get some more home tests and test to be certain. I'm going to see my doctor next week. I need to stop my medication too (anti-depressives), as this particular medicine isn't approved for pregnancy. I'll try going without any medications, but should I need some, I'll take some that are approved.

I know that the chances for loosing the baby is higher in the first trimester, so I'm trying to keep somewhat calm. But should I loose it, I need somewhere to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system, and I've found that a blog is a very useful thing!


*I know that 9 months isn't considered as a very long time for trying to conceive... in fact most healthy couples may need as much as a year... and I have PCOS in addition - making my chances lower... but I'm a very impatient person... so for me 9 months is a long time... But believe me, I understand those of you who've tried for years, and think that I've been complaining over nothing!! Because I really have!

Modest clothing

These are from webshops offering modest apparel. Click on the pictures for a link to the shops. I haven’t bought anything from these shops, but I very much like the clothes they’re offering.

For more thoughts, Bible passages, and so on, about modest clothing, choose “modest clothing” in the category cloud.

My favourite outfit would be the blue A-line denim skirt with the blue and white shirt for work or just a t-shirt top for other times. The floral dress would be perfect for summer, and the denim jumper dress would be perfect both winter and summer. I know the knitted cardigan isn’t the latest in fashion, but I like it.

I’ve always liked modest clothing, and was very happy in the 1990’s with the jumper and t-shirt fashion. The fashion magazines I’ve read in an attempt to know all about how to look and what to wear, have all told me that I’m supposed to dress sexy. Showing my best sides and hiding the larger parts. Plunging necklines showing some cleavage. But that’s not my style, so I’ve read these magazines, feeling more and more stupid and tragically unfashionable. But yesterday I threw all my fashion magazines in the paper recycling bin, and I’ve decided it’s time I decide what to wear. It’s no use trying to follow a fashion designed by gay men designers and shown by unnaturally thin top models. The fashion magazines likes to promote themselves as a woman’s best friend teaching what to wear and how to wear it in order to be a popular, attractive, and successfull person. The problem is that the fashion magazines are used by the fashion industry as an advertising channel in a subtle way not known to the reader. Both the fashion industry and the magazines earn money on women’s needs to be liked and approved by others. By telling “this is what you need for looking hot this summer/spring/fall/winter”, the woman thinks it’s best I follow these guides, to avoid me looking stupid. The fashion magazine editor always gets invited to the fashion shows and to the right parties, illuding that she’s an important person worth listening to. But keep in mind that the editor is only a normal person being used as a marketing channel for the fashion industry!

Headcovering

This is what the Bible says about headcovering:

1 Cor. 11

[1] Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ. [2] Now I praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all things, and keep the ordinances, as I delivered them to you. [3] But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. [4] Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head. [5] But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven. [6] For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered. [7] For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. [8] For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. [9] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. [10] For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels. [11] Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. [12] For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of god. [13] Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered? [14] Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? [15] But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering. [16] But if any man seem to be contentious, we have no such custom, neither the churches of God. (From the Bible, King James Version)

Here’s a good explanation of the head-covering issue: http://www.minthegap.com/2004/11/24/head-coverings/

Links, blogs and articles (please note that I haven’t read all the contents of these web pages, and hence does not promote nor oppose to whatever they may write.)

http://feminine-genius.typepad.com/femininegenius/

http://exlaodicea.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/is-the-covering-of-womens-heads-in-church-of-divine-law/

http://www.quakerjane.com/spirit.friends/plain_dress-modest.html

http://catholicrestorationists.wordpress.com/2007/06/29/theology-of-the-chapel-veil/

http://plaincatholic.blogspot.com/

Jewish covering

Without having studied the matter very much, I think only conservative jews cover like this.

Muslim covering

Not all muslim women cover, but I thnk a vast majority does. They find the reason in the Quran, and also in tradition. The degree of covering vary according to traditions and regional customs.

I find it really disturbing that in most European countires the musim headcover, referred to as the hijab, is seen as an obstacle in the integration of muslim immigrants. And in some countries the hijab is forbidden for instance in French public schools. But, what could be more of an obstacle for integration than forbidding people to use their religious symbols in public? Would I feel an urge to integrate into a society which forbade me using a cross around my neck? Thus I consider any “attacks” on the public use of hijabs as an indirect attack on my right to use religious symbols in public.

Look at this picture, who is most beatiful? The hijabi or the western style woman with sunglasses and her hair (colored dark with after-growth showing) hanging loose?

Go to this site to see more pictures of hijabis: http://samah007.wordpress.com/

Just a thought

Has humans felt the need to oppose God's will and order of things ever since the temptation of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? Is that the reason why women have felt the need to dress and behave like men?

"No one and nothing* should have the power over me! I should be free to try everything and decide for my self how to live my life. Anyone not free to do this, has her human rights restrained, and must be freed!"

*Applying to God, my husband/father, moral, faith, etc. Failing to recognize the power the fashion industry have over people...

That's why Muslims covering according to their tradition/faith are seen as oppressed, and in need of society's helping hand to free them. And why women working part-time is a bad thing, because the no. one want for a woman should be to work full time. The maternity leave should be divided evenly between the parents, giving both mother and father 6 months at home with the baby. The housework is also to be divided evenly between the man and woman, not acknowledging that most women tend to see more things to be done at home than does the man... I wonder why?

I disapprove of this evenly division of everything between the sexes... I think we're created differently for a reason, and that we do have different qualities that should be appreciated to the same extent.

Be submissive

1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. (1. Peter 3:1-2)

But what does submissive actually mean? In everyday life for example?

Wives should be subject to their husbands, not from dread and amazement, but from desire to do well, and please God. The husband’s duty to the wife implies giving due respect unto her, and maintaining her authority, protecting her, and placing trust in her. (Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary on the Bible)

This passage may have been misused by power seeking or dominant men over the years, and that is perhaps why women of the western societies see this principle as invalid today. But the following passage places makes it clear to the husband.

7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. (1. Peter 3:7)

My father misused his role as a man, father and husband. He’s dominant and completely lacking empathy. As a result I have a problem with being submissive to men in general (like in the work place, in my own marriage and so on), because I’m afraid they’ll misuse their role and seek to uncover my weak points and use them in order to gain power over me. As a result I’ve actually tried to get power over my husband. But as I’ve identified why I do this, and also after having read other women’s stories about how they became more at peace when following the order of the Father, I’ve realised that this is the right thing. Most of the time I see that my husband isn’t trying to dominate me, but at other times his behavior may remind me of my father’s and I get upset.

Now I need to practice being submissive, and also study the subject - because I need to establish what submissive actually means to me in my everyday-life. I won’t go to the other side of the scale and become a doormat or suppress all my feelings, opinions and wants, waiting for him to ask me about it. He doesn’t read my mind. Although that would at some times be a good thing…

Tuesday morning feelings

Right now I feel like going out of my workplace and buy something. What? Perhaps something to eat, so that I can reduce the sad and empty feeling inside me. And perhaps something to cheer me up - a new shoulderbag, a piece of jewelry?

Earlier today I’ve spent (thrown away) NOK 100,- (≈USD 20,-) on a pregnancy test. But of course the test was negative, and now I’m just sad, angry and disappointed. I thought that we’d timed it so good this time, but apparently not. I’m disillusioned and the only thing I want is to go home and go to bed and sleep… get away from everything. I canceled my participation in a meeting at work, couldn’t manage to face the others and be productive. I feel like crying it out loud, and to have everyone feel pity for me because I don’t get to have another child…

Unfortunately, there’s a possible chance that the test was taken too early, despite the period being due today. It’s normal for me to have the period start a week later, because the ovulation didn’t take place when I thought it would. My system’s not reliable, and that makes it difficult to know when things should happen. If only the test could be like an x-ray picture of my stomach, and I would see if the uterus is empty or not… Unfortunately - that’s because I can hope for another week or so for a better result than today. Unless of course my period starts in the meantime.

I know perfectly well that nothing gets better by eating or buying anything. Perhaps for a short period of time, but not in the long run. Then I blame myself for having eaten sweets and chocolate or buying things I don’t need, and I get even sadder or angrier.