Mastina

Dating vs courtship - what's the difference?

2009-10-13T14:22:00.004+02:00

I wonder what the differences between dating and courtship are? I saw an episode of the World's strictest parents and the daughter in the house said that she wouldn't date, as dating is the reason why so many people divorces. But courtship was ok. Perhaps courtship is the same as dating without the physical part?

In another program, I heard a girl explaining why she want's to stay pure until married - and she used the image of an apple. If you give yourself to first one guy - and she ate a bite of the apple, then to another one - and she ate another bite - and in the end, it is only the apple's carcass left. That was a good image of how it is. I really enjoy knowing that my husband and I hasn't been intimate with anyone but each other. I don't need to think about how my performance is, he doesn't compare me to anyone!

Children are a blessing

2009-09-02T14:26:00.004+02:00

and a gift from God! This family can consider themselves blessed, they have 18 children (+ one on its way)! (I like the girls' dress and hair)

I'm happy with our two beautiful children, I consider them perfect in every way, even when our 4-year old is testing our patience and limits. Of course I'm angry at him sometimes, but when the problem is solved, and the anger is gone (by the way, I'm impressed at how fast that anger passes away in both our son and me), I see the little perfect son he is! Good-looking, smart, kind, and so on. I'm looking forward to get to know our baby daughter too. I wonder how her personality is, what her voice sounds like (when talking, not screaming - that I know!), what her interests will be.<

She's already started to show something. She sleeps well, just as her brother did and still does. By themselves they started sleeping the whole night through at 2-3 months of age. She's put to bed, still awake, but with a full stomach, at 10 pm (+/-), and sleeps to 7.30 or 8.00 am. Perhaps it's because she's bottle fed, I don't know. I haven't heard about breast fed babies sleeping all night at such an early age. And, she sleeps in our bedroom, but in her own bed. Our son slept by our side until he was 3 years. Then he wanted to move into the spare bedroom. Now he's put to sleep in his own bed in his own room, but sometime during the night he walks into ours and sleeps in the middle of our bed. I think it's nice. Waking up with him close to my back, under my doona, is the perfect way to wake up! I lay still, thinking how lucky I am, waiting for him to wake up. :)

Becoming pregnant was never a certainity to me, as I have the PCO-syndrome (poly cystic ovaries) which can affect ones abilities to become pregnant. I'm a pessimist, so I assumed I couldn't become pregnant, and started the adoption process. But when contacting our local authorities, and learning that one couldn't apply for adoption whilst still going to therapy (as I was at the time - in fact still are), I was already pregnant with our son. I was very disappointed with the response from the local authorities, as I knew my husband and I would make good parents. And everyone we know tells us that we are good parents for our two kids.

Even though I'm still in therapy, and have needed extra help and support from professionals after the births (due to me having anxiety and post natal depression), no-one have ever suggested that I shouldn't have children, or that I am unfit as a mother. In fact, the professionals has said that I'm strong, and that it's good of me to seek help when needed. Too many mums hides their problems and tries to make it by themselves. Perhaps ashamed by the thought that they didn't make it as good as they wanted to.

My birthday is tomorrow!

2009-09-01T15:08:00.001+02:00

Our son had obviously learnt in kindergarten that September started this Tuesday, and Monday evening, when eating dinner, he was very happing announcing that "my birthday is tomorrow". I said, no, your birthday isn't for another three weeks. But he said, no! you said it's tomorrow! By now he was a bit upset, poor thing! Sometimes I'm puzzled by how fast my brain finds the solution to certain things involving my kids, and I thought, aha, he's learnt that September starts Tuesday, and knowing that his birthday is in September he assumed that September meant his birthday was the day after.

But he still has to wait for a couple of weeks to celebrate his birthday.

I've cut my hair

2009-08-31T20:33:00.004+02:00

I didn't cut my hair for 1,5 years, but for a month ago I went from long to bob. I know what the Bible says about women's hair.

1. Cor 11:5 But any woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered disgraces her head, for it is one and the same thing as having a shaved head. 11:6 For if a woman will not cover her head, she should cut off her hair. But if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, she should cover her head. 11:7 For a man should not have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God. But the woman is the glory of the man. 11:8 For man did not come from woman, but woman from man. 11:9 Neither was man created for the sake of woman, but woman for man. 11:10 For this reason a woman should have a symbol of authority 3 on her head, because of the angels. 4 11:11 In any case, in the Lord woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. 11:12 For just as woman came from man, so man comes through woman. But all things come from God. 11:13 Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? 11:14 Does not nature 5 itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace for him, 11:15 but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her for a covering. 6

I really enjoyed my long hair, knowing that it was correct according to the Scriptures, but it became too difficult for me to have my hair long and not cover it. I felt a need to cover this glory, but I don't have the courage to do so. So I thought it's a disgrace to have ones hair uncovered, and it's a disgrace to cut it. By cutting it I felt that I removed the glory I needed to cover... This is difficult for me. I really want to cover my hair, but I fear the attention I will receive if I start to cover. All the explanations, questions, stares etc. Sometimes I think it would be easy to move to another place and start covering, but that's more of a daydream than reality.

I think I will have my hair long again, to let it grow from now, but what should I do when it becomes long and "glory"?

Being "God's assistant" in my everyday life

2009-08-18T12:58:00.006+02:00

I read a book called "Tyngdepunktet" (=the pivot), by J.H. Matlary (picture) (on why she became a Catholic), and she writes about how she sees herself as a form of God's assistant in her everyday life. Even when doing the laundry she tries to see that task as an important task in her role as a God's assistant. And she says that everyone can be a God's assistant in his or her everyday life. (Photo taken by Kjetil Ree.© 2009 Kjetil Ree, some rights reserved.)

I really want to be able to see that my household chores are meaningful... I see that they're important, but they seem more boring and uninspiring and I find them easy to postpone until later... But I want to be inspired and do them with a sense of meaningfulness. That this is my important role in life, and that I'm doing what God wants me to do.

I've allways been curious and inspired by nuns. I don't know anyone, but the fact that they've forsaked a lot of the world's goods and possibilites, and lives their lives according to their vocation and in tune with God and with their faith. I've always thought that everyone should think more about others than oneself. But that's not the way of today. The society teaches us to think more about ourselves than others. And that's what the nuns do - they live their lives to help/work for/pray for others. I think that's what inspires me most!

I wonder how life as a nun is. Perhaps a nun also can feel a lack of meaning? I've read that Mother Theresa felt that God was far away and that in spite of her praying, she lived in a darkness.

Our morning routines

2009-08-18T11:41:00.006+02:00

We're very lucky having a three months old baby sleeping the whole night through. She's fed at 21 or 22 and then put to bed (awake, she finds her sleep herself, without crying), and sleeps until 7.30 or 8.00. She's even slept to 8.30!

Today (and this is fairly representative for a normal weekday morning), she woke up at 7.30 making noises (not crying) to wake me up. I got up and got dressed and went back to pick her up, and she smiles at me when seeing me coming to get her. We went downstairs and I made her a bottle and fed her whilst watching the morning show (Good Morning Norway) at TV and eating my breakfast (sandwiches prepared by my husband).

Usually our son is up and sits together with me watching the show and eating his breakfast. But today he slept until 8. And I made him his breakfast (yoghurt and müsli). Then I dress our girl and our son and tidy up and make us all ready to walk to his kindergarten. Allthough I'm at home now, he's in kindergarten from 9.30 until 15.00 to play with the other kids. There's no one home at this time of day for him to play with. The walk to and from his kindergarten takes appr. half an hour. When I'm back at 10.00 I read the newspaper and have a cup of tea.

My husband has already gone to work by bus by the time we get up.

Baptism problem solved

2009-08-18T11:29:00.003+02:00

I had a talk with the new priest, and he understood my situation being the only Catholic in the family and having no Catholic friends og acquaintances. And he said that he'd ask someone to be the Catholic sponsor for our baby girl and pray for her.

Our girl is to be baptized next weekend, and the party is to be held at a hotel. So there's minimal stress for us. My mother will bake some cakes and make the dress ready (she only needs to exchange the ribbons, from blue to pink). She made the dress to our son's baptism 3,5 years ago. It is very beautiful.

I now look forward to the day both to have her baptized and thus a member of the Church and receive the Holy Spirit. And to celebrate her, our beautiful and gorgeous little girl.

Apropos little - she's grown 10 cm since her birth three months ago. She's now 61 cm long.

"Going to church is no fun"

2009-08-02T13:01:00.002+02:00

Today the whole family went to church. My husband as moral support for me, as it's been half a year since I last went because I felt pressured to lead sunday school for the little ones. And I don't want to do it. I've attended the sunday school together with my son, and said I could help out whenever present, but not be in charge. This message somehow didn't get through to the people in charge, and I was sent a list of spring's sunday school dates and asked "which one(s) do you want to lead?" I was in a difficult dilemma... I didn't want to lead and I felt I couldn't say no and still attend mass and sunday school, so I stopped going to church for this last 6 months.

It was of course a difficult thing to do, as I need to go to church regularly to get my spiritual refills, but I didn't have the courage to face the organisators of the sunday school and their continous questions about me leading it.

But today I made a new start. We got a new priest and it's a new month, and I gathered courage by thinking that the organisators are in fact rude by pressuring me to do something I don't want to, and that I have as much right as they to come to church. And I brought along both our new baby girl, our son and my husband.

After mass I was exhausted of the tension I had inside. A couple of women congratulated me with the baby, but other than that I didn't speek to anyone. One of the sunday school organisator asked if having a new baby was the reason why I hadn't been to church for a while, and I simply answered yes.

The problem with this church is that it's too small. Both in terms of actual size of the building and in terms of people going there. That seems like a contradiction, but it's true. There's too many people at every mass, and the church is too hot and overcrowded with people. And there's few other families with small children. Perhaps they belong to the church but doesn't attend mass due to the seating problems (one does get a bad concious for ones active child occupying a seat whilst adults are standing at the back of the church). And there's certainly very few (if any) other Norwegian families with small children. I think our son is the only Norwegian kid. The others are Polish and Vietnamese. And they have their own masses and their own communities within the church. It's somewhat strange being a minority in ones own country... I don't mind getting to know people of different heritages, but it's not easy when they tend to talk their own language amongst themselves.

Our son said that it was no fun going to church. And I agreed with him. It's not funny, but it can be nice and spiritual refilling. But today's mass didn't actually make me want to do it again... it's too hot in the church, with too many people and too little space and air, and I'm constantly thinking about how to make our son learn something and behave properly. It's a stress, and I'm happy when the mass is finished. Attending the sunday school isn't very good either, because it tends to be only a place where the kids can play, and doesn't receive any teaching, and because it's in a different room, I don't get to hear the priest's sermon.

I really don't know what to do. I'm convinced that the Catholic church is the right place for me to worship, and it's the right faith to teach my children, but the masses are not children-friendly, and there's no avtivities for families and kids under the age of 7 (when they're starting to prepare themselves for the first holy communion). And I know that in the lutheran church close to where we live, there's a thriving congregation consisting of many families like our, and they have a vast offer of sunday school adjusted to the kids' ages. What's more important? Activities or content? Lutheran activities and Catholic content would be perfect...

Kabul beauty school

2009-07-31T11:25:00.006+02:00

I've read this book, and recommend it to others. It's interesting to read about women's situations around the world.

Click the picture to open the publisher's page about the book. (I tried to paste the text, but nothing appeared...:(

Baptism problem

2009-07-31T10:29:00.006+02:00

The Church says that we need a Catholic sponsor for our girl's baptism. And I don't know anyone to ask. I'm the only Catholic in my family, and I have no Catholic friends or acquaintances. I've thought about this since I first learned that I was pregnant, wondering how to solve this problem.

I've contacted the priest in my church and explained the problem to him. And he says that we (I assume he'll help us) could find a sponsor in the church. He understood my thinking (I asked if we really needed to have a Catholic sponsor as we don't know anyone) but he said that this rule is from the early days of the church showing that a baptism is the church/congregation's collective responsability. And that a person in my situation (being the only Catholic in my family and friends) really needed a good sponsor. That's a nice thought, but having to invite a stranger to a family party (which the baptism is to us) does give me angst. I have a serious problem with making new friends, and is really bad at small talk and talking to people I don't know very well.

But, I really want our baby girl to be baptized, and my mother has made a baptism dress, and if we wait too long, she'll outgrow this dress. I'll be happy when the baptism is done. My husband says that a person willing to become a sponsor for a strange baby probably is an outward person, easy to talk to. I hope he's right. It could be nice to know an experienced Catholic who could help me teach my children the Catholic faith. As my husband doesn't believe in God, that's my sole responsability.

Long gone

2009-07-30T15:25:00.004+02:00

Since my last post (in October last year) a lot has happened in my life. I'll write more about that later. This is just a quick update.

Our beautiful baby girl was born on May the 20th (c-section) and she's perfect. Our son is a kind big brother showing a lot of care for his little sister. He's sometime little bit of jealous, but that's normal. I'm currently staying at home on mother's leave. I will be at home until spring next year, at least. I'm at the moment not at all longing to get back to work, in fact quite the opposite.

I'm enjoying life as a mother of two (three if counting the dog).

Cavalier ring

2009-07-29T11:35:00.001+02:00

I've ordered this ring from Sculptorstudio in sterling silver. Judging from the photos (I haven't received it yet) it's the finest Cavalier ring I've seen. It's even the cheapest!

I love my Cavalier!

Following Jesus

2008-10-08T09:39:00.003+02:00

Deuteronomy 22:5 (New International Version): "A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."

This passage means, to those who follow it, that women should wear skirts and dresses and men not. Inspired by several modest clothes wearing women, I've been wearing skirts everyday for some weeks, because I too believed that the Bible told me to. But the internal consequences wasn't good. I got more concerned about following this passage than doing good deeds, and it also made think judgmental thoughts about other jeans wearing women. I thought that I was somehow better than them as I followed the Lord's directions in this matter. But, while at church this Sunday, it stroke me that all these women in my church wearing jeans or pants, with short or long hair, they might actually be better Christians than me.

I talked to my husband about it. About how much of my focus and energy I've spent on following this passage and what following it has meant to me. And he said "didn't Jesus talk to the Pharisees about how they believed themselves to be more righteous because they followed every rule to detail?" He doesn't believe in God, but he can still have some wise things to say about being a Christian. And he said that Jesus surely is more focused on action than f0llowing every rule to the letter. We agreed that I can wear jeans or skirts, when I feel like it, and that I should focus my energy on following Jesus' example and His teachings about how to be a Christian.

For two days now I've been wearing jeans to work, and it feels OK. I still see the Bible passage, and know that God wants me to dress as a woman, modest and without too much focus on my appearance (more on the inside and my actions), and I still admire those who are able to wear their skirts everyday without becoming a "pharisee" about it, still able to focus on the right things, their actions and prayers. I've realized that I've sort of started in the wrong end of things... changing the outside (how I dress) didn't automatically change my inside... I need to start at the inside by changing the way I think and act, and let that be the main focus of my life.

The moral law requires all women to wear the veil on their hearts. A woman should not wear the veil on her head, until she is wearing it first on her heart. A woman who wears the veil on her heart accepts the place that God gives to women in the Church, the family, and society. Women who wear the veil on their hearts are imitating the Virgin Mary in her humility, submissiveness, and obedience to Christ. The veil should cover her head, but not her face. It is first and foremost symbolic of humility, submissiveness and obedience. From www.catholicplanet.com/women/headcovering.htm

I reckon this can work on clothing as well. And the a lot of Muslim women wear hijab and jeans/pants.

Two gods...

2008-10-01T13:23:00.006+02:00

I'm thinking a lot about buying a new handbag for myself. I know I don't need it. I have lots of hand- and shoulderbags at home. But now this idea is fixated in my mind, and it's an internal struggle of reminding myself I don't need another handbag. I have lots of good quality, nice handbags at home. Why is it so important to me to buy new stuff when I don't need it?

13 “No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.” (Luke 16:13)

One thing I could need, is a dress or some skirts. I'm now wearing skirts everyday, and I have three long skirts that I alternate. They're all black, and it could be nice to have some with a hint of color. Perhaps brown? But I'd rather buy myself a new handbag than a piece of clothing. Why's that?

I'm finding it somewhat hard to resist buying new things. It's like all the advertising I've seen and read and heard has thaught me to constantly buy things. To constantly feel a need to buy new things. That buiyng things is normal and can satisfy my needs, define or at least help to build an image of, who I am. Most women magazines are full of both advertising and hints and tips about what to wear/use etc. Most of the items need to be bought, because one has to follow the trends. The handbag bought two years ago is so out of fashion now, because this year it's so and so and so...

And, we, the gullible readers, perhaps more or less self confident, fail to acknowledge or uncover the main reason why they're telling us to buy more things - because the producers need to earn more money! That's the main reason why the fashion industry comes up with new trends every season.

I'm trying to get off this crazy carousel of constantly needing more and different things. It's time I do what is right - by the Bible and by taking the environment in to consideration - stop buying new things when the old things functions!

Hooray!! (and many thanks to the Lord!)

2008-09-25T11:28:00.002+02:00

Yesterday, I finally (after 9 months of TTC*) got to see two purple stripes at my pregnancy test!! :->

As you can see on the pregnancy widget (right) there's a tiny new person (a true miracle! :)) developing inside me! I think it's at the size of a poppy seed... not very large ;) But it's wonderful to think about how this development goes on without me controlling it in any way!

It's at it's early beginning, I just tested positive yesterday, and haven't informed all of my friends and family yet! But as I'm anonymous here, I thought this was a good place to "talk" about this joy, miracle, etc! In fact, I've tested so many negative tests, that I still have some trouble believing that it is true... I think I should get some more home tests and test to be certain. I'm going to see my doctor next week. I need to stop my medication too (anti-depressives), as this particular medicine isn't approved for pregnancy. I'll try going without any medications, but should I need some, I'll take some that are approved.

I know that the chances for loosing the baby is higher in the first trimester, so I'm trying to keep somewhat calm. But should I loose it, I need somewhere to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system, and I've found that a blog is a very useful thing!

*I know that 9 months isn't considered as a very long time for trying to conceive... in fact most healthy couples may need as much as a year... and I have PCOS in addition - making my chances lower... but I'm a very impatient person... so for me 9 months is a long time... But believe me, I understand those of you who've tried for years, and think that I've been complaining over nothing!! Because I really have!

Modest clothing

2008-09-24T13:47:00.000+02:00

These are from webshops offering modest apparel. Click on the pictures for a link to the shops. I haven’t bought anything from these shops, but I very much like the clothes they’re offering.

For more thoughts, Bible passages, and so on, about modest clothing, choose “modest clothing” in the category cloud.

My favourite outfit would be the blue A-line denim skirt with the blue and white shirt for work or just a t-shirt top for other times. The floral dress would be perfect for summer, and the denim jumper dress would be perfect both winter and summer. I know the knitted cardigan isn’t the latest in fashion, but I like it.

I’ve always liked modest clothing, and was very happy in the 1990’s with the jumper and t-shirt fashion. The fashion magazines I’ve read in an attempt to know all about how to look and what to wear, have all told me that I’m supposed to dress sexy. Showing my best sides and hiding the larger parts. Plunging necklines showing some cleavage. But that’s not my style, so I’ve read these magazines, feeling more and more stupid and tragically unfashionable. But yesterday I threw all my fashion magazines in the paper recycling bin, and I’ve decided it’s time I decide what to wear. It’s no use trying to follow a fashion designed by gay men designers and shown by unnaturally thin top models. The fashion magazines likes to promote themselves as a woman’s best friend teaching what to wear and how to wear it in order to be a popular, attractive, and successfull person. The problem is that the fashion magazines are used by the fashion industry as an advertising channel in a subtle way not known to the reader. Both the fashion industry and the magazines earn money on women’s needs to be liked and approved by others. By telling “this is what you need for looking hot this summer/spring/fall/winter”, the woman thinks it’s best I follow these guides, to avoid me looking stupid. The fashion magazine editor always gets invited to the fashion shows and to the right parties, illuding that she’s an important person worth listening to. But keep in mind that the editor is only a normal person being used as a marketing channel for the fashion industry!

Headcovering

2008-09-24T13:46:00.000+02:00

This is what the Bible says about headcovering:

1 Cor. 11

[1] Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ. [2] Now I praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all things, and keep the ordinances, as I delivered them to you. [3] But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. [4] Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head. [5] But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven. [6] For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered. [7] For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. [8] For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. [9] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. [10] For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels. [11] Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. [12] For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of god. [13] Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered? [14] Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? [15] But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering. [16] But if any man seem to be contentious, we have no such custom, neither the churches of God. (From the Bible, King James Version)

Here’s a good explanation of the head-covering issue: http://www.minthegap.com/2004/11/24/head-coverings/

Links, blogs and articles (please note that I haven’t read all the contents of these web pages, and hence does not promote nor oppose to whatever they may write.)

http://feminine-genius.typepad.com/femininegenius/

http://exlaodicea.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/is-the-covering-of-womens-heads-in-church-of-divine-law/

http://www.quakerjane.com/spirit.friends/plain_dress-modest.html

http://catholicrestorationists.wordpress.com/2007/06/29/theology-of-the-chapel-veil/

http://plaincatholic.blogspot.com/

Jewish covering

Without having studied the matter very much, I think only conservative jews cover like this.

Muslim covering

Not all muslim women cover, but I thnk a vast majority does. They find the reason in the Quran, and also in tradition. The degree of covering vary according to traditions and regional customs.

I find it really disturbing that in most European countires the musim headcover, referred to as the hijab, is seen as an obstacle in the integration of muslim immigrants. And in some countries the hijab is forbidden for instance in French public schools. But, what could be more of an obstacle for integration than forbidding people to use their religious symbols in public? Would I feel an urge to integrate into a society which forbade me using a cross around my neck? Thus I consider any “attacks” on the public use of hijabs as an indirect attack on my right to use religious symbols in public.

Look at this picture, who is most beatiful? The hijabi or the western style woman with sunglasses and her hair (colored dark with after-growth showing) hanging loose?

Go to this site to see more pictures of hijabis: http://samah007.wordpress.com/

Just a thought

2008-09-22T09:51:00.004+02:00

Has humans felt the need to oppose God's will and order of things ever since the temptation of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? Is that the reason why women have felt the need to dress and behave like men?

"No one and nothing* should have the power over me! I should be free to try everything and decide for my self how to live my life. Anyone not free to do this, has her human rights restrained, and must be freed!"

*Applying to God, my husband/father, moral, faith, etc. Failing to recognize the power the fashion industry have over people...

That's why Muslims covering according to their tradition/faith are seen as oppressed, and in need of society's helping hand to free them. And why women working part-time is a bad thing, because the no. one want for a woman should be to work full time. The maternity leave should be divided evenly between the parents, giving both mother and father 6 months at home with the baby. The housework is also to be divided evenly between the man and woman, not acknowledging that most women tend to see more things to be done at home than does the man... I wonder why?

I disapprove of this evenly division of everything between the sexes... I think we're created differently for a reason, and that we do have different qualities that should be appreciated to the same extent.

Be submissive

2008-09-17T11:05:00.000+02:00

1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. (1. Peter 3:1-2)

But what does submissive actually mean? In everyday life for example?

Wives should be subject to their husbands, not from dread and amazement, but from desire to do well, and please God. The husband’s duty to the wife implies giving due respect unto her, and maintaining her authority, protecting her, and placing trust in her. (Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary on the Bible)

This passage may have been misused by power seeking or dominant men over the years, and that is perhaps why women of the western societies see this principle as invalid today. But the following passage places makes it clear to the husband.

7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. (1. Peter 3:7)

My father misused his role as a man, father and husband. He’s dominant and completely lacking empathy. As a result I have a problem with being submissive to men in general (like in the work place, in my own marriage and so on), because I’m afraid they’ll misuse their role and seek to uncover my weak points and use them in order to gain power over me. As a result I’ve actually tried to get power over my husband. But as I’ve identified why I do this, and also after having read other women’s stories about how they became more at peace when following the order of the Father, I’ve realised that this is the right thing. Most of the time I see that my husband isn’t trying to dominate me, but at other times his behavior may remind me of my father’s and I get upset.

Now I need to practice being submissive, and also study the subject - because I need to establish what submissive actually means to me in my everyday-life. I won’t go to the other side of the scale and become a doormat or suppress all my feelings, opinions and wants, waiting for him to ask me about it. He doesn’t read my mind. Although that would at some times be a good thing…

Tuesday morning feelings

2008-09-16T11:08:00.000+02:00

Right now I feel like going out of my workplace and buy something. What? Perhaps something to eat, so that I can reduce the sad and empty feeling inside me. And perhaps something to cheer me up - a new shoulderbag, a piece of jewelry?

Earlier today I’ve spent (thrown away) NOK 100,- (≈USD 20,-) on a pregnancy test. But of course the test was negative, and now I’m just sad, angry and disappointed. I thought that we’d timed it so good this time, but apparently not. I’m disillusioned and the only thing I want is to go home and go to bed and sleep… get away from everything. I canceled my participation in a meeting at work, couldn’t manage to face the others and be productive. I feel like crying it out loud, and to have everyone feel pity for me because I don’t get to have another child…

Unfortunately, there’s a possible chance that the test was taken too early, despite the period being due today. It’s normal for me to have the period start a week later, because the ovulation didn’t take place when I thought it would. My system’s not reliable, and that makes it difficult to know when things should happen. If only the test could be like an x-ray picture of my stomach, and I would see if the uterus is empty or not… Unfortunately - that’s because I can hope for another week or so for a better result than today. Unless of course my period starts in the meantime.

I know perfectly well that nothing gets better by eating or buying anything. Perhaps for a short period of time, but not in the long run. Then I blame myself for having eaten sweets and chocolate or buying things I don’t need, and I get even sadder or angrier.

Feminine and modest clothes

2008-09-16T11:07:00.000+02:00

This is some of what the Bible says about feminine and modest clothes:

Deuteronomy 22:5 (New King James Version): 5 “A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment, for all who do so are an abomination to the LORD your God.” - usually interpreted as meaning that women should dress like women and not like men, i.e. using skirts and dresses, not pants.

1 Timothy 2:8-10 (New King James Version): “that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, 10 but, which is proper for women professing godliness, with good works.” - usually understood as meaning that women can wear gold and pearls and braided hair, but it should not be used as a means to become beautiful, it is the good works of a godly woman, and her inner self, that should be the beautification of her. It is that she should focus on, and work towards in order to distinguish herself from the rest of the world. The world was and still is, too preoccupied with a person’s looks and outer appearance.

In this last passage there’s also mentioned that the woman should wear modest clothes. What exactly is modest clothes? The interpretations differ. Does the skirt have to be at ankle length or mid-calf or slightly covering the knee? (anything shorter is considered un-modest by most) And what about the tops? Do they have to have long sleeves or is half-sleeves enough? No sleeves is considered un-modest by most) How tight or loose fitted? Can one have tailored/fitted shirts/tops showing curves or not?

There’s no official teaching/guidelines from the Catholic Church about what makes clothes modest and not. One’s asked to cover ones shoulders and wear knee-length skirts or shorts when going to church, and of course cover ones tummy, but what about everyday-life? I mean, I pray more outside church than inside, simply because most of my time is spent outside of church. If I’m to be modest inside the church where the Lord is present, I think I should be outside as well, as the Lord is present everywhere! I think it would’ve been nice if the Church made some clear guidelines all believers should follow.

I try to make my own rules, and looks at what others are saying. But, I can see a diversion in opinions everywhere. Muslims are required to cover everything but their hands and face. But some Muslims cover for example their arms with tight fitted long-sleeves T-shirts. Is that more modest than a loose-fitted t-shirt with half-sleeves? An I see many Muslims wearing trousers and jeans, perhaps that’s considered modest, I don’t know. most Christians doesn’t care much about the modesty issue, I think. A lot of young Christian females wear tight fitted t-shirts and singlets, and also have deep necklines. Only a few observe the only skirts and dresses rule. Most wear whatever the fashion dictates. You can’t see if a person is Christian or not, because she might be wearing a cross, but so might a lot of others do, because its a fashion item!

I wonder what happened in the 20th century that made women discard thousands years long traditions… For as long as people have worn clothes, it was the rule for women to wear dresses/skirts and they’ve always been ankle long. But somehow women stopped doing that, and the skirts became calf-long and then knee-long and then mini-skirts barely covering anything. And the hair could be cut short, as a man’s, and one stopped covering ones head when in public. Why? And was it all good?

Couldn’t women obtain their rights and freedom looking like a woman? Where’s the appreciation of the difference between man and woman? If God had wanted us to be the same, he’d created us the same. But He created us different so that we could fulfill each other! We’re supposed to look different, be different, excel at different things!

Monday morning thoughts

2008-09-15T11:10:00.000+02:00

Most of my thoughts today center around the “new baby” issue… will my period start today or tomorrow as scheduled? Should I take a test to see whether a new baby is in its first development inside me, or is it simply a waste of time and money? (I’ve taken numerous tests earlier this year when waiting for my period - and all have been negative) I’m not as pms ridden as usual, but this differ from period to period as well. I wish my system was on the clock punctual and that if my period was one day or week late, I could be certain that it was due to pregnancy. But, unfortunately, that’s not me! Its perfectly normal for me to wait everything from a day to a couple of weeks extra for my period to begin. Hence, the conceiving thing is somewhat tricky - because it isn’t possible to pinpoint the exact days certain activities should take place…

I try not to think about this too much, as I know that could have impact on my chances to become pregnant. But because this is something I want very much, it’s hard to not think about it! I should try to talk to God about it, and put it in His hands. I must admit that that’s a thing I’ve problems with doing. In important cases, like this, I don’t rely fully on God, and I somehow think that I should fix it myself. Because when I ordered a new baby from God, He didn’t deliver, and I’m disappointed with Him. Why couldn’t He give me a second child when I started wanting it? If I’m not pregnant now, and becomes pregnant later this year, I would have to be pregnant during the hot summer months… and me being a “hot” person, that’s not something I’d enjoy. I did it the last time, and it wasn’t comfortable at all! (My firstborn is born in September) And the age difference between the two will be larger.

I have some sharp pains at both sides of my stomach, deep down - almost where my thighs begin. I remember having pains at these sides at the early stages of my previous pregnancy, but dare I think these are the same?

Today it’s two weeks since I stopped eating chocolates and sweets (again). I’ve already lost 0,6 kg. And I’m satisfied with my achievements. My main motivation is becoming more fertile, and also be able to do more without becoming tired. I wont loose weight in a hurry, and become super slim. My main goal is to loose 20 kg in 1,5 year. That’s a reasonable time, and it means that I don’t have to be on a diet all the time. Being on a diet removes my want to eat anything, giving me bad consciousness if I should eat, and that’s not a good thing. I do this my way, all on my own, that gives me a feeling of control, and that’s something I need!

I’ve also been in modest and feminine clothes everyday for the past two weeks. I’ve worn skirts and modest tops. My skirts have different lengths, some are summer skirts knee length, others are more autumn/winter and have longer lengths. I really like wearing skirts! But I have some difficulties with being more visible - as women around me doesn’t wear skirts as the rule, but sometimes… There’s a destructive feeling inside me because I’m dressing femininely. I try to overhear this inner thought, but… it isn’t easy… and it drains me of my energy!

Afraid of Christianity!

2008-09-13T11:11:00.000+02:00

Read in the newspaper that in a new textbook, to be used in a subject called Religion and Ethics, for the Norwegian primary, or was it secondary, school the notions B.C and A.D. are replaced by something like After Ordinary Time counting (AOT) (bad translation), being religion neutral!

I think this is just stupid! The notions have been used since forever, and now the textbook authors have to make up a new notion simply because the book should be neutral to all religions.

Its a main tendency in Norway, to remove all references to religion from the public space and becoming neutral. I can’t see why that’s so important! Norway’s been a Christian country since 1030 AD, and why do we need to remove that reference from peoples’ everyday lives and make it something for the history interested. If any of our immigrants are troubled by Norway being a Christian country, they need to adjust themselves, or go somewhere else. But I don’t think it’s the immigrants that complains, I think it’s secular people around in various leading positions, trying to remove the Christian faith and all its references, because religion doesn’t mean anything to them.

Norwegians doesn’t seem to need a God to believe in. One’s satisfied with oneself and ones’ life, and if not, its only one person who can fix it, and that’s oneself! It’s a very self oriented society, where the aims are to realize ones utmost potentials, taking less care of hurting someone or sacrificing someone in the process.

I don’t like it nor do I approve of it. Although we have a lot of benefits in this country, we’re at the top, or among the top) of the countries when it comes to suicides and depressions. That’s a warning signal of a cold and harsh society!

Easier to dress modest during autumn

2008-09-10T11:12:00.000+02:00

I find it much easier to dress modestly now when the weather is colder, than in the midst of summer. Now I wear my knee-length summer skirts with tights underneath. Half or full sleeve blouses/tunics, and the long warmer skirts, makes a modest and comfortable wardrobe. I also have a couple of almost see-through tunics that I wear over my least modest tees. I manage to wear skirts all week when leaving the house. At home I have a couple of very comfy (but not at all stylish) sweat pants that I wear. But mainly that’s inside the house or perhaps out in the street watching my son play or when driving him to the kindergarden and following him in. I have a variety of different skirts, and I like wearing them. This is something I’ve chosen for myself, and am totally comfortable with. I like the femininity of the skirts, but also the fact that they’re not as warm as my pair of jeans.

————–

Today and yesterday I’ve had a light form for morning sickness… but dare I believe that it’s pregnancy related, or should I keep telling myself that this has nothing to do with me being pregnant, this is only related to my tonsillitis and the bad taste I wake up with every morning as a result of my tonsillitis being chronic. Or even my body faking pregnancy symptoms because I want it that much… Of course I really hope, and pray for, a little life starting in my womb, but as I’ve hoped for that every month since January this year, and every month becoming disappointed, I’m reluctant to hope too much. It’s better if I assume I can’t have any more babies, and then if I can, I can be happily surprised… this was somewhat easier to believe in before my first pregnancy… but now that I know I can have children naturally concieved I think that it should be possible a second time. Oh, how hard it is to wait for my period to come (or hopefully not)…

Why niqab?

2008-09-08T11:13:00.000+02:00

Some weeks ago I saw two women wearing all black, like in this picture, even black gloves, and it made me wonder why they do. I felt sorry for them, as I saw their dress as a prison. I can’t understand why it is necessary for a woman to cover herself this much, as though she’s trying to be invisible! I can’t see how that’s liberating to the woman.

I’ve done some internet searching and found an answer to the niqab question. I suppose that muslimahs around the world disagree upon the need to use niqab or simply the hijab, as they disagree about a lot of other hijab issues. (Hijab both in the sense of the veil and in the sense of modest clothing.)

In general muslim women should wear modest clothes, not drawing attention to their appearance or body. It seems as though most think that a veil covering the hair and neck, is needed in order to complete the modest attire. See explanation below.

Syed maintains that when a woman is covered, men cannot judge her by her appearance but are forced to evaluate her by her personality, character, and morals. “I tell them that the hijab is not a responsibility, it’s a right given to me by my Creator who knows us best. It’s a benefit to me, so why not? It’s something every woman should strive to get and should want.”

The young woman admits to being surprised that many people wonder if she wears the hijab everywhere (at home, when sleeping, in the shower). The truth is that Muslim women only cover themselves in front of men who are not direct relatives (brothers, fathers, and uncles) to prevent indecent acts or thoughts. (From “Why do Muslim women wear the hijab?” Eighteen year old Canadian Muslimah Sumayyah Syed explains.)

I’ve also read that the Prophet Muhammad explains the covering of women as a mean of protecting what is beatiful. I can’t recall the exact words, but it had something to do with hiding ones gems/pearls. It was in fact a beatiful sentence/excerpt.

According to Al-Muhajabah (meaning she who wears Islamic dress) niqab (see picture with woman in black) is an even better way of seeking to obtain the love of Allah. It is a prolonging of the hijab, covering even more, and harder to wear etc All this resulting in niqab being even better than hijab in means of keeping private what is meant to be private. She states that there’s not an explicit reference to niqab in the Quran, but makes reference to some other text and the fact that the Prophet’s wifes surely wore niqab. (For a full understanding and explanation, visit the www.muhajabah.com pages)

To me a niqab still looks as a prison for women, but now I know why someone choose this.

Bristol Palin (a good role model)

2008-09-03T11:14:00.001+02:00

First of all I’d like to say that it’s strange for a foreigner following the US presidential election from the outside, how much of the presidential and vice-presidential candidates’ personal life and history has to be dug out and scrutinised. I mean, a person seeking presidential (or vice-p.) power can’t go through their lives without hurting anyone or doing any mistakes! I’v read about mr Palin’s drunk driving 22 (!) years ago, about mrs Palin’s past as a beauty contest participant, and of course about Bristol Palin, their unmarried dautghter’s pregnancy.

Of course miss Palin should’ve waited to have sex until she was married, but for some reason she didn’t, and her choice to have the baby and take the responsability of her actions should make her a role model to other unmarried pregnant teen-agers, and their families, who should be supportive and helpful with taking care of the unplanned blessing arriving.

Whether Bristol Palin had chosen to have her baby hadn’t her mother been a VP candidate or high profile pro-life politician, we’ll probably never know. We all do mistakes in our lives, and criticising Bristol Palin and reminding her about how much her teen-age pregnancy has disappointed her parents, that’s, in my opinion, just mean. It’s her mother that has chosen to become a vice-president candidate, not Bristol Palin. Suddenly this young woman is being written about and spoked about all around the country and overseas. She’s used to her mother being the Alaskan governor, but the state isn’t one of the more important states in the US, and thus the governor and her family had remained fairly unknown to the rest of the world up until now. We should all bear in mind, that living with strict moral rules and parents carying very much about the family members’ public apperance and the family’s honor and image, and so on, could make anyone wanting to rebel. Perhaps miss Bristol wanted to rebel against her mother being a super mom - or at least the public image of her being one - taking care of her five children, husband, work, having a baby with Down’s syndrome, etc. (Even I feel a need to rebel against her - no one does everything right! Everyone has some weaknesses and flaws, otherwise they wouldn’t have been human!)

And, take a look at these pictures of miss Palin and her baby brother Trig. She looks so calm, so caring, it’s like the baby’s hers and she’s so happy with it. Of all the pictures I’ve seen at the Internet from this event, mrs Palin holds him only on a couple of the pictures, and while holding him she also checks her Blueberry and speak in her cell phone. Miss Palin, however, seems content about holding and caring for her baby brother. Had I been mrs Palin, I would have carried my beautiful baby son everywhere so that everyone could have seen him and seen how proud I was of him. But the child she’s bringing along is Piper, the 6 yrs old girl. Her larger girls, Willow and Bristol tags along in the background, carrying baby Trig and his stuff.

Mrs Palin appeals to me in many ways, she’s a christian, conservative (however somewhat selective about what to be conservative about), mother of five, pro-life, beautiful yet modest, and so on. (There are also things I don’t agree upon, but I’ll leave them for now - not that it matters, I’m not eligible to vote anyhow.) But, the main thing I dislike about her (based upon my knowledge of her from the media) is that it seems as though baby Trig is in her way. Everyone salutes her for having him despite their knowledge of him having Down’s syndrome, and despite her being the Alaskan governor. But, she returned to work three days after giving birth to him… and now, during this presidential election campaign, how much time will she have to establish the very important bonds between a mother and her child? She’snt even the one carrying him around when greeting people… to me, that’s not right, and it’s signalling that he’s not that important to her… I must confess that a woman, a mother of small children, seeking this much power, that puzzles me… I don’t understand it. I mean, mrs Clinton, she’s a mother, but her daughter’s grown up, and she has only one, I understand her want to become a powerful person. But mrs Palin, no. She’snt finished with mothering being her no. 1 priority, and now she wants to show the world that a mother with small children also can become a vice president. Someone’s going to suffer from this, and I’m afraid it’s the baby and her other children.

This is perhaps her once in a lifetime chance to become something as important as a vice-president, but it’s also her once in a lifetime chance to establish the first important bonds to her little baby son. Choosing her career in stead of her children, that’s not what I would have done. And being a conservative christian, I can’t see how that’s something she would do either.

Can I wear a cross?

2008-09-02T11:17:00.000+02:00

Am I a good enough christian to wear a cross? And is that a valid question? i mean, must I be like a “perfect” christian in order to wear a cross and thus showing everyone my faith? What if I wear a cross and still makes mistakes, what does that tell others about my faith and christianity? I do hesitate to wear a cross, because I’m afraid I’m not a good ambassador for Christ.

I make mistakes every day, either by the things I do or the things I don’t do. Can I still show people I believe?

I think that others, living more according to God’s will and His rules and so on, are entitled to, or have the right to use a cross. Because they’re better ambassadors for Christ. And there’s so many people better than me. I get a bit sad and depressed about the whole thing, because I think of all the things I should’ve done and how I should’ve been, and realise that I’m far from that… how can God love me? Perhaps he loved me when I was an innocent child, but then I started to live, and started making mistakes, and started to sin, and He knows that I know the difference between good and bad in most cases. And I can’t understand how He can love me when I choose to do something, I know or should have known, bad… Perhaps He sort of likes me, but doesn’t He expect me to perform better? To do better than this?

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel - 2

2008-09-01T13:44:00.000+02:00

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel

The Cavalier King Charles Spaniel is the perfect dog!

If you agree, this page will please you. If you don’t agree, I’ll try to convince you about the matter! Ok, all dogs (at least almost all) are beautiful and have their charm and positive traits. But to me, the CKCS (very common abbrivation), is the most perfect dog companion. I’ll agree to the fact that the CKCS doesn’t fit everyones’ tastes and expectations. And, it is not very much of a working dog.

But it is a very good companion and reliable friend! Before acquiring my cavalier, I did a lot of research on the internet in order to find a type of dog that would suit me good. It is important to select a dog that fits one’s lifestyle and everyday life.

Things to consider when choosing a dog include, and how the Cavalier accomply with these things:

the size of your home (apartement or large villa?). the Cavalier, being on average 36 cm high at shoulder, and ca 45 cm long, have lots of space in a small apartment. It is also easy to bring along on social calls, as it can curl up on your lap, and doesn’t frighten people with dog anxiety. Due to its mild temper and large eyes!
urban or rural environment. The Cavalier fits both environments. It is happy with lots of playing and running about without the leash on, and also happy with the occasional play in the park.
amount of time the dog has to be alone at home on a normal day. if trained from early age, the Cavalier can be alone for as much as eight hours. But most of he/she wants to be together with his/her family.
family composition (i.e. kids or not, now and in the future). the Cavalier is an excellent family dog, and a good companion for single people.
current level of activity. if you’re a couch potato wanting to get fit, it probably isn’t a very good idea to buy a dog that needs a lot of excercising, because failure to fullfill the dog’s excercising needs may make him/her destructive. All dogs need excercise, and one can train a dog’s physical condition as one can train the human. For instance, a healthy Cavalier can follow you on an hour of running, or several hours walking/hiking. But it is also satisified with a walk around the block. Especially if the weather is bad!
Time needed to groom and cater for the dog’s fur.
Travelling by airplane or car during one’s holiday. Some airplanes accepts smaller dogs carried into the cabin in special bags. Otherwise he/she must be placed in the luggage compartment in special cages. Travelling by car, one should think about the size of the car and the amount of luggage one usually bring along.
amount of cuddling wanted. the cavalier is a cuddly dog, thriving when close to her/his owner. A large dog or one with a lot of/thick fur often find it too warm to be very close to her/his owner. The cavalier was at some point used as a feet warmer in bed with the higher society of England. My cavalier changes her sleeping position from under my covers to atop my covers. And, in the evening she stays put at my lap sleeping, while I read the paper, knit or crochet. Thus, all my knitting projects have small white hairs weaved into them
dog sports. The cavalier can enjoy agility and other forms of sports. Anything done together with his/her family makes him/her happy!

This list is not conclusive!

Cute? Me? Yes, I’m cute, and I know it, and when you talk to me, I listen very carefully and tilt my head to prove it!

Naked

2008-08-30T11:17:00.000+02:00

I went to a store today and wore a t-shirt with very short sleeves and jogging-trousers somewhat thight-fitted and just below the knee in length. Not an outfit I would wear going to work or to the city, but more of an at-home-outfit I use at home and when going to a store where I drive up to the door and go straight in. Comfortable clothes. Strolling through the store I suddenly saw a Muslim lady with an hijab and long sleeves and long skirt, and I felt almost naked… I felt an urgent need to go home and cover myself somewhat more. If I had wore a t-shirt with half sleeves and a long skirt, I doubt that I would’ve felt the same nakedness.

I’m not a muslim, and I don’t feel a need (or calling) to cover that much, but seeing the Muslim woman and feeling the nakedness - it made me think about which one of us is the most liberated woman… me dressing in fitted clothing showing all my bumps and lumps and bare arms, or her covered and modest, hiding her body under loose fitted clothing. I know that I didn’t feel good in the clothes I wore, all though they were comfortable (stretchable material).

I feel it is due time I start to wear more modest clothing, thus practicing what I believe is true… But a problem arises - what to do with the half-modest clothes I already have? I can’t afford to give away almost all of my clothes in order to buy new more modest ones. Almost all my skirts are just below the knee, and my t-shirts are tight fitting, because I’ve tried to look smaller by not hiding myself under large “tents”… Have I felt comfortable? No - because I’ve been very body conscious, and disliked myself because of my stomach, large breasts and generally large body… And I have probably attracted attention to my body by wearing these clothes.

Can wearing thights under the knee-length skirt make the outfit modest?

Homemaker according to God's will

2008-08-25T11:18:00.000+02:00

4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. (Titus 2 (New King James Version))

I’m trying to live according to this, but I’ve only just started on this journey of becoming a “Titus 2 woman”. Due to my father being a psycho-/sociopat (what is the difference?) treating me as his servant, over time I built a lot of anger inside me, and I’ve been determined to not let anyone boss me around like he did. This resulted in me letting my husband do all the housework, cooking and so on. I sought to do less than him, afraid of him becoming my household slave master, like my father was, if I showed him that I too could do some housework. But as my husband is in all manners different from my father (except in the fact that they’re both men), I have nothing to fear.

And, in the recent year, I’ve felt as though my husband manages the household so well without me, that there’s no room for me. He’s only doing the housework because he’s kind to me, but I’ve come to think that he’s doing too much. In doing almost all the household chores, he’s pushed me out of my home in some sort. I think that the woman should be the main homemaker, the one responsible for all the household chores, and that the husband can help her by doing some housework delegated to him by the wife. I’ve seen that when my husband is away on business trips, and I’m responsible for all the household in that period, I’m proud of the work I do, and I’m doing what’s right for me. And it gives me more meaning to my life - I’m needed! I have a role to fill, I have tasks to do.

The family is the main component of a society. That’s the Church’s teaching. The man and the wife have both important roles to fill in the family. To me, it’s difficult to understand how so many women with a family can aspire towards personal realisation through work outside of home. Of course, if one is certain that ones home and family doesn’t suffer from the outside work, one can aspire towards having a career. But that would require the woman to be some sort of super-woman, both able to be a mother, wife, homemaker, and career woman. Or, if all the housework is done by someone else, the career thing would be possible. But one still need enough energy to be a mother and a wife. Even though the Churc teaches that a marriage should be open for children, I think that some people should not have kids. It’s better for a couple pursuing their careers and not open for any other priorities, to refrain from having children, than for them to have children that are unhapy because both parents work too much.

I’m a fan of peoples’ right to choose what’s best for one self. I don’t think we should go back to the fifties where only the unmarried, or widowed women worked. But I think that more women should choose part-time work, or even quitting work for a period, in order to devote themselves to their family and children. As not all women are suited to have children, I don’t want it to become an obligation, but I think it should be a different focus in the society. We need to admire the ones devoting themselves to others, in stead of admiring ego-sentric people aspiring towards the fullfilment of their personal goals, not considering the consequences on others.

Miss Headscarf 2008 in Denmark!

2008-06-11T11:20:00.000+02:00

I wonder when we’ll see a worldwide competition of this?! Or, perhaps, in the muslim dominated countries, there’s such a thing already? Denmark’s National Broadcaster, Danmarks Radio, has had a Miss Headscarf competition, where any women wearing a headscarf could enter by sending a photo of themselves wearing a headscarf. And here is the winner and the runner ups. Unfortunately, the text is only in Danish, so if you’re having trouble understanding the words, send me a comment and I’ll translate for you. The text showing is the name of the winner and the runner ups and their ages. År=years. And the other text is some fashion experts’ comments about the headscarf. Positive comments about the colours and patterns on the headscarf, and that wearing a headscarf the way these women does, doesn’t make them unstylish.

Crime's got a face!

2008-06-02T11:21:00.001+02:00

Driving home from my in-laws yesterday at 20.00, we witnessed two youngsters stealing a car from in front of the supermarket. We drove past the parking lot several times, and the youngsters saw that we saw them and ran behind the supermarket. Then, we met them driving the car, and we followed them for a short distance. Afraid of getting into trouble with the car thieves, we let them drive off, and drove home. We phoned the police several times, giving the information we had. But I don’t know whether the police did anything about it. If they’d come the first time we called, they could have prevented the car being stolen. Today I called the owner, which is a leasing firm, and reported what we had seen, and left my name and number if they should need it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this, it’s a strange thing to see two ordinary looking boys of 16-18 yrs, committing a crime. It would probably have been strange to see anyone commit a car theft, but I think about the sad fact that these two added another crime to their conscience, or even did something illegal for their first time. (Probably not) I wonder what their lives look like, what sort of upbringing and childhood they’ve experienced. Being a mother to a boy, I also think about their mothers. I feel sorry for the two boys. Normally car theft and other crimes are things I read about in the paper, I haven’t actually seen it done before. And things I read about in the paper is easier to distance myself to, than crimes I see committed. It’s like the crime’s got a face now. And the next time I read about a crime, I can’t distance myself as easy as I used to.

Oh no!

2008-05-21T11:24:00.000+02:00

I need to see a dentist. I hate going to the dentist! Yesterday I lost a bit of one of my teeth while eating. It just fell out… Some of my teeth have had so many holes plumbed, that only thin walls remains. So it’s no wonder that bits fall off. But, I have to have it checked by the dentist, and thinking about going to the dentist makes my gums sore and sensitive. Although I always have local anesthetics administered, I hate the whole experience… laying there with my mouth opened to the maximum, having the dentist picking and working inside my mouth. The sounds, the tastes, everything is a nightmare.

And then there’s the talk about me cleening my teeth too poorly, I need to floss, brush, and gurgle twice a day. Of course I don’t, and the result is all the holes in my teeth. But, the comfort eating doesn’t make it much better - being sweets and chocolate…

Uninspired

2008-05-20T11:25:00.000+02:00

I guess I “suffer” from a mild post-holiday-depression… I’m back at work after 1,5 week of holiday spent mostly in Spain. I’m finding it hard to concentrate at work. It’s a “downer” to return from an exciting country to the well known Norway and everyday-life with all it’s trivialities… I know that one can’t make a holiday last forever, because eventually one would make one’s new situation “everyday-life”, and the magic will be gone. It’s just a phase…

Spain was great. The weather wasn’t much to write home about, but I liked it, as the cold temperature didn’t make me sweat all the time. I was able to use the same shirt for two days! The others disliked the weather, as they didn’t get the tan they wanted. I tried to visit some of the churches, but found several closed. No information about opening hours was given in English. Only Spanish. My understanding of Spanish is limited to what I can “guess” using my French and English knowledge and a little bit of creativity. But I got to visit one of the most important places, The Monasterio de la Santa Faz! :>

That was a special place! I felt the holiness of the room, I felt that Jesus really was present in the room where the cloth is. I felt a need to cover my head and bend down in prayer, unfortunately I didn’t bring a scarf with me, but I knelt down and prayed. It was magic! After a short time I felt cleansed and at peace and happy. It was like this visit was the purpose and goal of the whole trip. I think I would like to go to there again. The cloth is kept in a container in a richly decorated room, with large paintings of the legend behind this piece of cloth.

My husband called it “the holy handkerchief”.

Travelling stress

2008-05-05T11:26:00.000+02:00

Later this week we’re going to Spain. And I’ve got this internal continuous stress… I like experiencing other places, but it’s the travelling bit that stresses me the most. Packing all the things one needs for a week away, and before that making sure that all the potential travelling clothes are clean. And then there’s the time issue. The plane leaves at a given time, and we need to be there with all our luggage and everything sorted out before that given time, otherwise we won’t get in the plane… this is a major stress factor, causing me to have nightmares about me running in airports trying to find the gate where my plane is boarding, and with too little time. The latest nightmare was me shopping in the tax free shop suddenly disvocering that the plan was to board in five minutes, and I didn’t have the slightest clue about where the gate was, and I hadn’t decided what to buy… Although I’ve been travelling by car (several times a year), or airplane, for as long as I can remember, and am used to pack my own bag, I still stress about this! I don’t understand it! I’ve never been late, or missed any flights/trains, and I’ve never forgot to pack anything important, so there’s nothing in my experiences explaining this fear I have.

I hope to visit a lot of Catholic churches, and especially the Monasterio de la Santa Faz, where a relic said to be the veil of St. Veronica is kept. St. Veronica gave her veil to Jesus for him to dry his sweat whilst he was carrying the cross, and He handed it back to her and it had a print of his face upon it. The picture of St. Veronica giving her veil to Jesus is one of the Stations of the Cross, found in every Catholic church.

I’ve seen references made to this “history” by some Catholic head coverers as a proof of Jesus approving female veiling.

I think this is the “container” for the veil. As the webpage was only in Spanish, and my understanding of Spanish is rather minimal (I compare the words to French or English to understand), I’m not sure what the proper name for this ”container” could be. But I did understand that there’s a monastery where this is kept. I think St. Veronica is called St. Clarisa in Spain.

From Wikipedia: This relic was acquired by Pope Nicholas V from relatives of the Byzantium Emperor in 1453. This veil was given by a Vatican cardinal to a Spanish priest, Mosen Pedro Mena, who took it to Alicante in southern Spain, where it arrived in 1489, at the same time as a severe drought. Carried in a procession on 17 March by an Alicante priest, Father Villafranca, a tear sprang from the eye of the face of Christ on the veil and rain began to fall. The relic is now housed in the Monastery of the Holy Face (Monasterio de la Santa Faz), on the outskirts of Alicante, in a chapel built in 1611 and decorated between 1677 and 1680 by the sculptor José Vilanova, the gilder Pere Joan Valero and the painter Juan Conchillos. The chapel is decorated with paintings depicting the miraculous termination of the drought, local personalities associated with the founding of the chapel and religious themes of judgment and salvation. The Monastery was extensively restored between 2003-6, together with the Cathedral of Saint Nicholas and the Basilica of St Mary in the city centre, and the three buildings housed an exhibition in 2006 about the relic under the name of The Face of Eternity. ^[12]

As a method of coping with the travelling stress, I tend to over focus on certain things, such as jewellry and handbags. I need to remind myself that buying new items of these just because I’m stressed doesn’t make anything better. It’s a struggle trying to get rid of these comfort buying tactics. And also not buying, just choosing among the items I already have, is difficult. One day I think a small handbag is the perfect one, the next day it’s a larger bag, then I must choose between colours, shapes, materials, length of straps - can it go across my body or not? As all these thoughts and deciscions draws me away from spending time with God, it’s not a good thing for me to do. Yesterday night I spent several hours in front of my computer surfing the Internet for handbags and jewellry to buy in Spain… If I only could be liberated from all this, and use my time on things that are really good to me!

Josef and Elisabeth F.

2008-04-30T11:27:00.000+02:00

This is the worst case of incest abuse I’ve ever heard of! It’s impossble to imagine what could have made this man do such things to his own daughter. He’s clearly a person without any form of empathy. And the various media (TV, newspapers etc) work hard to give us all possible details of this horror history. Why? to sell more of course! If a media soruce is the first one to report some “important” news, that helps build it’s image as a reliable and quick newssource.

Curious about the case, most people read/listen/view a lot in the beginning, then - fed up by all the horrific details, one tunes out and wander off to read/hear/view something else. And the attention is lost.

What makes me extra sad about this, is that following the discovery of such an horror, should be a massive information campaign teaching people how to look for similar cases in their surroundings, and what do to if one suspects incestous actions happening. Who to contact, what to say to the possible victim to ask for the truth etc. This could help reduce the amount of incest or other abuse.

Because of my personal experience with incest I know that “normal” people does these things all around the world. (Of course, not all to this extent.) And the same thing happen everytime; people told about the incest actions of a certain person, doesn’t believe it, because they’ve never seen anything. How long will it take before people start to understand that persons they think are all good and kind, can do evil things? And that abusers often (I’ll say in most cases) are normal people just like one self, and that they hide the abuse very well!? They’re masters of disguising their evil actions, and the victims are masters of hiding the abuse as they feel ashamed and partly guilty. Help from outside is needed.

I’m sure that this Josef F. case in Austria isn’t the only one of this extent and seriousity. It’s just that nobody have talked about them, neither the abuser nor the abuse victim. Please, all victims, talk about your experience, but choose your listeners with care! Talk about it in victim support groups, to your psychologic therapeut, on the Internet… Do not keep silent with your experiences! You’re not helping anyone by keeping silent! (I know, I’ve tried, and I only punished myself!) It’s never your fault!

Obligations

2008-04-29T12:55:00.000+02:00

I find myself sometimes still struggling with my obligation to buy less. For example handbags and jewellry. I have to ask myself the question: do I really need this? Then I consider the money - how much good could this amount of money do to a person less fortunate than me? And, wouldn’t this handbag become just another bad buy and pile up in my closet or I have to sell it at the internet for a quarter of the price I paid? And what about the global problem of waste? The more I buy, the more waste I generate.

For some reason it appears as though buying new things is a way of being nice to myself. Whenever I’m feeling somewhat sad or down, spending money on items I really don’t need, have been the main way in which I’ve tried to make me happy again. During the last months, however, it has become clear to me that what makes me happy is not buying new things, but being with my son and my dog. I guess I’ve known this for some thime, but haven’t done anything about it before this lent. My buying stop during lent was really fruitful, and now it’s easier to not buy than buy. Because when thinking about buying an item I really don’t need, I get a bad conscience! And that helps me alot.

My want to contribute to a better world, a world with a more fair ressource distribution, obliges me to do and not do certain things. And though they may feel like a unneccessary sacrifice at the time, I know that it’s the right thing to do. And in the long run it will give me a better conscience. Knowledge should oblige one to act!

The parish priest always emphasise the fact that believing must be followed by action, otherwise one cannot say one believe. That’s a good thing to remember!

Taking control

2008-04-29T12:53:00.001+02:00

The hijab-wearing women are often viewed as a person one should feel sorry for. In the “modern” societies of Western Europe and the US, the main thoughts (and the publically correct) are that “She’s probably under control by her husband and/or sons. She’s not free to wear whatever she wants… she’s not allowed to do whatever she wants… she’s forced to wear the hijab and the modest and covering clothes, poor thing…” and so on. And the female fashion in these societies are all about being sexy and using one’s sex appeal. The ideals admired are the supermodels, Hollywood-celebs and the likes. Forcing everyone, except the natural born supermodels, to be on an everlasting diet, excercise regime and even consider plastic surgery in order to keep up with the latest trends.

But what if it is quite the opposite?* What if the modest women, of all faiths and convictions, are actually the liberated ones? Because they (and to some extent me) are not under society’s increasing press and unhealthy focus on beauty and body, choosing to wear covering and modest clothes, not following the fashion trends. Modest women are not controlled by fashion designers who’s obviously allergic to female bodies and at the same time asking for women to show cleavage and legs.

The modest women are in control over their bodies, controlling what parts could be shown public, and what parts should be kept covered. A modest women doesn’t use sex appeal to gain success in her life, but rely on her brain, appearance, inner beauty, personality, and other values. Her body isn’t ”put on display or up for sale”, she doesn’t advertise for herself by showing off her ”goods”. I know what group I’m in and my feeling of liberation is increasing!

As shown in these pictures (left and right) being modest isn’t necessarily different from following the fashion trends in color and materials. Being modest can also mean looking good.

I like this picture (left) very much. It’s from South-East Asia somewhere. It makes me think about which of these women are in control over their body? The muslim or the blond?

In the summer I, personally, wouldn’t have covered to the muslim extent, but I’m more covered than the blonde! I don’t see the blonde as being liberated because she can wear whatever she wants, it’s more like she says that she’s not anxious about her body being on public display… she doesn’t demand respect, she sort of wants to be liked because of her body. What kind of mistaken feminism is that?!

*I don’t doubt that some muslim women, as well as other women, are under too much control by their husbands.

Mod(est)ifying some of my clothes

2008-04-28T12:57:00.000+02:00

This weekend I’ve modestified some of my clothes. With one skirt, that was formerly just slightly over the knee, I carefully removed the stitches on the line, and added a lace at the bottomline, to make the skirt somewhat longer. And at the waist I opened the double hem and added a button so that the waist is somewhat longer. I didn’t take any pictures, so I don’t know if this explanation made any sense.

This is my sewing machine. I’ve had it for more than five years and I’ve wanted to do more sewing, put it hasn’t happened. Now that I’ve just started, I’m inspired to do more, and will use the trick with lace and other material to make my clothes more modest.

For example, I have some tops with a too low neckline (in front), I’m not comfortable wearing them, afraid that my cleavage may show. I find myself constant checking whether my cleavage is showing, and that is not a good thing to do. And when the weather gets warmer, I can’t use a scarf to hide it either. So I thought that I’ll cut off some fabric at the bottom of the top/tunika, and use it to make the neckline more modest. It’s difficult to find clothes that suit me very good. If it fits around my tummy and bossom, the neckline tends to be plunging! In cold weather I use a wool singlet under the tunika. As I like these tunikas very much, and also because tunikas in the empire style suits me good, I think it’s a good idea to make them more wearable. And it saves me money, as I don’t have to buy new tunikas.

Since lent I haven’t bought all the magazines that I used to, and that gives me more time to do other things, like sewing, that I’ve wanted to do, but hadn’t found the time to before. It really doesn’t take more than a month or so to have new habits. That’s good! Most magazines have a unhealthy focus on body and beauty. There’s only one magazine I’ve found (in Norway) that doesn’t, and that’s “Familien” (=the family). The main focus for this magazine is positive and inspiring reading, it has a somewhat subtile christian focus, and lots of handicraft projects. It’s a real feel good magazine. That’s the only one I’m reading at the moment.

Concentration levels are really down!

2008-04-24T12:59:00.000+02:00

And that’s kind of frustrating, because I’ve loads of tasks at work to be done… but due to the massive negative “inner-talking” going on at present, the energy to be used on other tasks are really low. It’s kind of strange - I enjoy being at work, but I can’t seem to get any thing done. I have my own office, it is well tempered, it’s a fairly quiet workplace. But, I feel bad about being here and not doing the things I should do. (Blogging and internet surfing is sadly not part of my job description)

As I wrote in my post about handling criticism, I’m in a destructive period now. I also find it hard to reduce this destructivism by reminding myself about how God loves everybody and Jesus died for our sins, and so on. That doesn’t apply to me, just other people. The easiest thing to do is to give in to this destructiveness, and give up the struggle for raising my self-esteem. But I’m not going to do that. I can’t do that, because by giving up I would have to quit my job - i.e. disappoint my co-workers and boss, and I’d be unable to be a wife and a mother, and that’ll disappoint and even damage my husband and son. Giving up is not an option. So I’ll have to keep on struggling.

Earlier in my life I thought this destructivism came from the devil. I don’t know if that’s the truth. But. one can wonder. The destructive ghost (as I call it) tries to get me to stop wearing a cross around my neck, because I’m not a perfect christian. “Why should I go around bragging about my faith, when in fact it is far from perfect?” And “what’s the point for me to try to dress modestly, when my heart is full of condemning of others who do not? Doesn’t the whole dressing modestly exercise become more of a skin thing, than really inside and spiritual?” And that passage in the Bible about seeing the speck in other’s eyes and not the plank in mine, is very relevant to me now. And that makes me sad, and it makes me think “what’s the point in trying to be a good person and live according to God’s will, when in fact I’m so far from target. I’m a person of less value, due to my rotten personality.” -And who’s to benefit from me thinking this way, if not the evil himself? He tries to draw people away from God in all possible ways.

I’m not sure wether the devil is a real creature or just the symbol of evilness in this world. But either way the result is the same, me feeling bad about myself. My destructive ghost is a result of the treatment my father gave me when growing up. It reappears now and then to tell me what a stupid and idiotic and so on, person I really am. But is this really true? Are my sins any worse than others’? Aren’t I just a normal person trying to live a good life? Didn’t Jesus die on that cross to liberate all people from their sin - and why should I be the sole exemption? Jesus is the only person able to live a whole life without committing any sins, because He was in fact a personification of God. I should stop striving for a perfect life, and start to focus on the fact that God sees me as a person among others. I’m just an human being with all the flaws and goods one normally have. That’s the only way to fight this destructive ghost!

John 3:16 (New King James Version): For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Ephesians 2, By Grace Through Faith: 1 And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, 2 in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, 3 among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. 4 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. From http://www.biblegateway.com Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Handling criticism...:(

2008-04-23T13:00:00.000+02:00

I don’t know how to handle criticism without it shattering my self-image. I know I’m supposed to separate person and actions, so that people criticising for example my handling of a work task, doesn’t automatically become a critique of me as a person. The problem is that I can’t put this into action. Yesterday my boss talked about what we (him and me) could do to prevent errors within my area of responsibility at work. Over and over again he emphasised that he’s not blaming me, he’s also responsible, he said, for not checking up how I’m doing.

I heard him say this, but inside my head I translated it into negative and destructive messages about how I’m not performing satisfyingly. So, today I’ve difficulties with concentrating. I have this feeling of being not able to perform what is expected. And, I must admit that I expect no mistakes and errors on my work. At least no errors of a certain importance. I really don’t know how to change this deep rooted feeling of being “under par”. I’ve had it for all my life (yes, I can remember that I’m at the age of four or five thought that I was worse and of less value than the others in my kindergarten).

From the therapy I’ve done the last years, I’ve learnt that the change is to be made in the way I think about myself. But it doesn’t seem to really work. It works on a certain level, keeping the bad feeling away for a while. Then I enter periods of low self-esteem or a bad self image. Where everything is translated into failures. And in these periods there’s something inside me that’s content and happy - sort of telling me (no, I don’t hear voices) that this is the real me. This is how I’ve been all my life, and that’s never going to really change. The other version of me, the one able to handle failures without breaking down, that’s just me playing and acting a role. Because all the failures, even the ones handled well, pile up in a virtual backpack, and when that’s too heavy I break down and I’m no good at all. I’m not worthy of anything, and I’m not capable of anything… Luckily for me and my surroundings, these periods change, I have good periods and I have bad. Earlier, the bad ones seemed to go on forever, and while they probably changed a bit, I was always on the negative side.

And then there’s the religious perspective to this. I know that I’m supposed to be happy because the Lord loves me and have created me in His picture. But, when I don’t like being me, that’s not easy to be happy about! I have a certain idea of why I’ve always wanted to be someone other than me. It has do to with my biological father. Although I’ve distanced myself from him the latest years, I’ll always carry some of his genes in my genes, and I’ll always have the “wounds” he inflicted on me in my childhood and youth. (Wounds is put in ” ” because the wounds are not visible, they’re just inside me.) I cannot run, hide or escape from myself, I have to carry this body, face and internal and external features around with me.

I’ve doubled my weight since moving out at the age of 18. But I’m still me, inside there’s still this failure-version of me. I’m actually somewhat afraid of loosing my weight, because that’ll make me more like I was when my father did his things… Having a baby didn’t change my body as much as I’d hoped for. The only sign is the larger tummy (due to badly trained muscles after birth). The stretchmarks may have increased in number, but to be honest, I haven’t noticed. I had a lot of stretchmarks before becoming pregnant due to weight increase. I’ve colored and cut my hair, but the face remains the same. I see the same face, only larger chins, as I’ve done for years. In short, I sort of hate everything about me, everything I’ve had since my youth…

In case you, the reader, got very worried about me, I’d like to add that I’ve applied for more therapy and am currently awaiting response. And I’m never really suicidal because I know that a lot of people would get sad, and I know that the problems will diminish again.

A day to remember

2008-04-20T13:02:00.001+02:00

Today is the year-day for the death of my grandfather. I’m both sad, angry, and thankful. When he died, I lost the positive father figure, he was more than a grandfather to me. And it makes me angry that he was the one to die and not my biological father. I’d much rather see him dead than my grandfather. But I’m also thankful to my grandparents, for all the good times, for all the positive input we received. For their great importance in making our lives better. If it hadn’t been for my grandparents, I don’t know if we (me and my siblings) would’ve made it the way we have. It was of unvaluable importance to have a pair of grandparents telling us how much we meant to them, showing us how happy we made them, and so on. Being with them was like paradise compared to the terror at home.

The most important thing my grandfather thaught me was this: Everytime I packed my bags after visiting, and I was alone in the room, he would enter and talk to me. And he always said that if I did my best (for example at school) no-one could be unsatisified with me. He said it very quietly. Looking back I can see that he said this to strengthen me, because he knew my father. And he was always content with my school results. As opposed to the father I grew up with, who was always unsatisified and asked me what I could have done to make it better next time. Eventhough I got the second best grade!

Jewellry?

2008-04-20T13:02:00.000+02:00

In 1 Timothy 2:9-10 St. Paul writes about what women should adorn themselves with: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.

And now some questions arise: does this mean that we are not to use jewellry altogether, or is it only pearls and gold that are not “allowed”? Does this mean that we can use silver jewellry? Or, if a woman has her focus on good works, can she use some jewellry (even in gold), as long as she doesn’t overfocus on it, and keep it modest and simple? And in that case, who’s to draw the line between modest and too much jewellry? And why exactly does St. Paul tell the women to stay away from gold, pearls and costly arrays?

There’s a woman I know that only wear a simple gold cross (like in the picture) around her neck. And that’s all the jewellry I’ve seen her with. I don’t see that as a problem, even though I know what St. Paul wrote about gold and pearls. Her gold cross shows that she’s a Christian, and together with her good behaviour, her compassion for others, it reminds me and inspires me of how a Christian should lead one’s life. To non believers, I’m sure her silent witness mark and her good works combines to give them a good impression of the Christian faith.

My wedding ring is in gold, and I don’t think a gold cross pendant is a wrong thing, because it sort of shows the importance one place on one’s faith. But, I must confess, I’ve used a lot of money on gold and silver jewellry. I’ve had cross pendants in all shapes and materials. Some with and some without the crucifix. (I use past term, because during lent I changed this habit of comfort buying, and instead sold some of my pieces on the Internet.) For now I think I will conclude with a principle of modest and simple/minimalistic jewellry, in gold or silver. A cross pendant as a silent witness of my faith. Keeping in mind the words of St. Paul, trying to focus on good works in stead of what jewellry to wear. But, I’ll do some Bible reading and studying on the subject, so the issue is not closed.

Hairs everywhere!

2008-04-19T13:03:00.000+02:00

Our little princess is currently in the midst of an shedding period, and it’s white dog hairs everywhere! And I mean, everywhere. I vacuumed the entire flat earlier today, and it’s already starting to pile up in the corners. Normally I don’t care about the hairs, but nowadays it’s too much! I’m hoping for her shedding to stop soon!

On to something completely different. I feel somewhat sad, is that the feeling…, I think it’s such a distance between my principles and ideals, and my actual everyday life. Will I ever live by my principles? Is there any point in having principles if I’ll never ever get to live by them? Or at least come near? Should I perhaps adjust my principles? I don’t know. There is so many different “truths” and “right ways/guidelines”. Even within the Catholic Church. There’s the official teachings, and there’s peoples’ practice. Who am I to listen to? There’s a number of different ways to read the Bible. Some Christians take all the Biblical guidelines and teachings literally, some say the Bible itself is enough, some interpret the Bible in context of a tradition (like the Catholics), some choose the Biblical teachings and guidelines they feel apply to them, some take all, and some take just a few. And everybody claims to have the “truth” and “the right way”. Everybody claims to know what the Lord wants from us, and expects from us.

How can I interpret some of the Biblical teachings literally as applying to me, and ignore others? Isn’t it correct to take all or none? And does the New Testament overrule the Old? The Catholic church teaches that the Bible is a book written and compiled by humans under the guidance of the Lord. It’s not an historically correct account, and it’s written and compiled within a tradition and context. The early Christians adopted some of the customs from their time and made them Christian. The bread and wine for example. When Jesus ate his last supper with the disciples, he probably didn’t have the small oblates we eat, to hand out, but took a normal bread for his time, and shared it. Does this mean that we have to do exactly the same as Him? Is the oblate bread “wrong”? And what about all the things we meet in our time, not mentioned in the Bible.

For example, people living otherwise plain and simple lives, have a nice looking website. Is this correct or is it wrong? The Bible says nothing about it, because the Internet wasn’t exactly invented at that time. But nowadays the Internet is common, and having a webpage promoting plain and simple life may be somewhat of a missionary thing, telling others about ones life and faith, and encouraging people around the world to stand up for their beliefs.

Just some of my thoughts.

Mummy, you mustn't sleep!

2008-04-17T13:05:00.000+02:00

Yesterday me and my son went to an evening mass, and when entering the church, after doing the cross mark with the water at the door, my son asked (loud of course) “the priest’s where?”.

Being an evening mass, the church wasn’t full, but everyone was quiet. I told him that the priest would come soon. We brought along some of his small cars to play with and a book for him to look in. He’s only been to Sunday masses earlier, and then the church tends to be more than full, so yesterday he got some space to move around in and to look at the other church-goers.

He walked around a bit, but when we were standing, confessing our sins and praying, everyone was closing their eyes and head down, he said “look mummy, everyone’s sleeping!” also a bit loud… and then when we’re supposed to kneel and I can’t do that because of knee pains, I sit at the front of the seat and close my eyes and tilt my head down, he said to me “mummy, you mustn’t sleep!” I smiled and told him I wasn’t sleeping, I was talking to God and Jesus quietly inside me. “Oh, talking to Jesus, ‘tly”, he replied. After kneeling for a bit we raise up to pray the Lord’s prayer, and one of the women raised up standing before the rest of us, and my son commented, pointing at the woman, to everyone’s hearing, “she stands, she stands!”

I try not to be stressed about my son making small noises and comments like these, but I must say it’s a struggle. The priest has told me not to be afraid of bringing him along, because it is better for us to come and him to make some noise than us not coming. That helps me. But I’m very conscius about what the other church-goers may think. On the other hand I wish to make him comfortable in the church room, feel somewhat at home in the house of the Lord, and to do that I need to start early. I want him to think of church as a good place to be.

My husband is non-denominal (he doesn’t belong to any church) nor does he believe in God, but he respects my beliefs, and he’s ok with me giving our son a catholic faith. It wouldn’t have worked, had he not been ok with it. So I don’t have him beside me to help me with the boy in church. I’ve never had any other man/boyfriend that my husband, so I don’t know how it is to be married to a person of the same faith, but I think it would be nice if he shared my beliefs and we were able to talk about it as two believers not as one believer and one agnostic. He doesn’t give me any faith input. But he’s good in so many other ways, so I didn’t let the faith issue decide.

Pains make me afraid... (baby no. 2?)

2008-04-17T13:04:00.000+02:00

When in bed with my mucle pains and fever (some sort of flu or infection) last weekend, I began remembering the labour pains. Because the localisation of these pains were largely the same as the pains I head when giving birth. And I thought that I’ll never be able to give birth again, because of the anxitey resulting from having this much pain.

Due to my lack of control over my body when growing up (incest experience) it is very important to me to have control over my body, or at least feel that I have some sort of control. Whenever I experience some sort of pain, ranging from my period to the ultimate pain experience giving birth, I’m filled with anxiety. I’m afraid of the pain in a way I can’t explain. And hence, I don’t understand my reaction.

And, in relation to this, I think a lot about having a second baby. Before last weekend I associated having babies with the joy and excitment of being a part of God’s creation will, and looking at the ultrasound pictures, wondering how this little person inside me is going to be. He’s so close, yet so foreign to me!

But, having rekindled the memory of the labour pains, and especially all the anxiety I had after the birth, I’m in doubt as to whether to have a second baby or not… The question is, am I in a position where I can decide whether to have or not a second baby? There are so many things to consider!

The Church’s teachings

According to the Church’s official teachings, a marriage is a lifelong commitment (it’s actually of such great importance that it’s considered as one of the sacraments) between a man and a women. The marriage is formed to the benefit of the man and the woman, but also to the society. The marriage is the smallest “building cell” of a society. And every marriage must be entered into with an openness to having children. Or receiving the children that God gives the couple, thus taking part in God’s creation will or order. The Church also teaches that the only acceptable form for contraceptives is abstaining. And it is up to the couple to decide the number of children. The children is seen as a gift or blessing from God.

The society’s “teachings”

The main trend in Norway is to have one’s first child at the age of 29-30 (woman) and then having two to three kids. A lot of peoples have their kids fairly close in age, probably because of their starting age and then they want to get done with the kids being small and needy, fairly quickly. Kids are seen as both a good and a blockage thing. It’s seen as normal to have kids, although not everyone’s prepared to make the “sacrifices” one must to cater properly for the kids’ needs. Having been adult without kids for some years (maybe as much as 15 years) one develop certain habits and routines, and a number of new parents find it hard to cut down on clubbing, boys- and girls- outings, and personal fitness programs. It’s not seen as normal to bring one’s children along to all the things the adults does. Going to cafés with a baby is ok, but not if the kid’s passed 1-2 years. Gyms have babysitting facilities, and going to restaurants for dinner, the kid has to be at home or looked after by someone else. In southern Europe this is different, there it is common to see large families having dinner at a restaurant at 20.00 and on, all ages present.

The couple can decide how many kids to have, and the publically correct opinion is that a mother should continue persuing her career and self realisation anyhow. Having children should not block or put one back from these goals. (NB! Being a mother is not seen as a valid self realisation goal.) Having children is just one of the roles and functions a woman has. Along with being a wife and partner, career woman, friend, and so on.

My ”teachings”

To me, being a mother is the most important thing I can be. It has given me a purpose for living. All my past and my future life will be used in order to be the best mother I can be. It is great to have been chosen by God to participate in his creation will/order. He saw me fit to be a mother, and I’m forever grateful.

I’m first and foremost a mother, and thus, I let the consideration to my son overrule any other consideration. I don’t care for having a career, that doesn’t make me happy. Being a mother does!

Then, if God wants me to have a second baby, and He thinks I’m fit and capable, then I will. But how may I know? I pray for Him to give us a second child if that’s what He wants. I’m very content with having only one, because the one is such a large and valuable gift! He’s all I ever could have wanted! He’s perfect!

I also pray for the Lord to give me the courage and strength needed to give birth to a second child, if I’m having one. My son deserves a sister or brother, and I know we have room in my family (time, love, space etc), both the small one and the more extended one. I mustn’t let my anxiety win, but I need to find out how to overcome and live with the anxiety as well. I think I would regret having only one kid, should it be due to me being afraid of giving birth and worrying too much for the future… none of my worries have been true so far, it’s due time for me trying to worry less!

A true blessing!

2008-04-14T13:06:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I was stuck in bed for the most of the day with muscle pains and fever. Our beautiful son (2,5 yrs old) cared for me, on his own initiative! We are so proud of the boy, showing genuine consideration for others. We haven’t done anything in particular to make him do this. We care very much for him and always try to meet his needs as we find it best. And we acknowledge and appreciate his caring for others, and tells him about it.

When I said to my husband and son that I was going back to bed after finishing breakfast, our boy jumped up and said, I’ll go and prepare the bed for you, mummy. He went to the bedroom and found me several of his “shirts” (he uses his father’s used t-shirts for cuddling, and calls them shirts). He also asked me if I wanted a pacifier. I smiled and thanked him no. Not making fun of him for his concern. He likes to have his pacifier when lying in bed, so it is only natural that he thought I would like it as well. Then he rushed downstairs to get some of his books so that he could read for me. He sat beside me in our bed and read (ie talking about the pictures) to me. After finishing one book, he went back downstairs with that and got another one upstairs to read me more. He really is a good boy!

And today, at the parent-teacher talk at his kindergarten (which I couldn’t attend due to my illness), my husband heard only positive things about our son. He’s very much liked by the other kids, helping and sharing.

Of course he can be angry and he’s got some temper when he doesn’t get his will. But, I always remind that it’s ok to be angry, but one should always say one’s sorry and ask for forgiveness when hurting others. Deliberately or not. We are his main examples when growing up, so we try to live by the same standards as we teach him. And I always tells him that I love him no matter how angry he is. Because when he’s angry he’s also crying.

I thank the Lord for blessing us with this precious boy, a real gift for our family. Not only for my husband and me, but also to his grandparents and aunts and uncles. And, it is such a givng task, to have to put my feelings aside and focus on my son. And to be able to guide and comfort him in his journey towards adulthood. It can be hard at times, but it is also very giving.

A day in skirt

2008-04-11T13:07:00.000+02:00

Some of the blogs I read have done “a week in modest dress”-things where the blog writer takes a picture of herself everyday in a week. This is Anna in Veiled Glory. That’s one of the most inspiring thing to read about, as this shows ordinary people putting their stand on modest clothing into practise. That’s one of my main current goals. Today I’ve spent the entire day in modest clothes, long sleeved shirt and long black denim skirt. It makes me feel good. My consience is good and I feel like a woman. All my skirts are either knee length or mid calf length. None are shorter. But with the knee lengths, I’m constantly checking to see that it hasn’t slipped over the knee, and when bending down, I’m thinking about how much of my legs are showing. But the most uncomfortable aspect is the need for panty-hose. I really hate wearing panty-hoses, whatever the thickness of it. I never seem to find the right size. It’s either too large or too small, or if it fits my legs, it sure doesn’t fit the rest…

Walking in the city today, I was approached by a woman from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I got two brochures and a book called “Knowledge”. I thought I might find something inspiring for me in it. I’m not considering changing churches, I’m a convinced catholic, but that doesn’t restrain me from being inspired by other christians’ faith. Imagine the courage this woman has, walking up to complete strangers, starting to talk about God. Think about all the rejection she gets in a day of her mission. I find it sometimes hard to tell people I’m a believer… in fear of the picture they may make of me in their head. But, since becoming a mother and in my 30’s, I’m more confident and doesn’t fear this as much as I used to.

I’ve managed to keep away from chocolate and sweets today. The first days are always the worst. I have to warn my husband… because my temper is not good when quitting comfort-eating. But, it will pass, and I know I can do it, because I’ve done it before (quitting that is). And I visualise the good feeling of internal physical cleanliness I get when not eating the “forbidden” food. I can’t see myself quitting chocolate for life. I think this is the way it could be with me and my comfort-eating. I hope for the periods of non-eating to be longer than the others. And I think about how my son will see me comfort-eating, and perhaps learn from my example. That’s what I did with my mum. The food at home was always very healthy and in the right amounts, but whenever having a good time, eating sweets (chocolate, cakes, etc) was a certainity. And, she has been comfort-eating for years. But, she didn’t admit it until I told her I was doing it...

it's enough!

2008-04-10T13:08:00.000+02:00

My tummy is the size of a pregnant woman ready to give birth, I have heartburn and sitting at my desk in the office is not comfortable! :(This would be acceptable if I had been pregnant, but I’m not, and it is all due to me eating too much. This morning I bought a 200 gram chocolate bar and ate it all before lunch. Then I had my two sandwiches for lunch sitting in front of the computer, and when all the others had lunch, I ate 500 dl of yoghurt. And now I feel stuffed. I can’t take this anymore! It is time for a ban on all chocolate, sweets and other extra eating! This has to stop! I’m embarrased about my large tummy, and with summer in sight, it’s time I start right now!!

Of course, I’m not going to be slim in May, but my stomach is going to flatten, and that’s the most important thing! Being large, I’m used to, but looking pregnant, is not good. Oooh, I feel sick just thinking about the amounts of calories I’ve been eating the last months… and to no, absolutely no use what so ever! I’m certain I’ve put on some weight. (I haven’t dared to check) And now it has to come off! I won’t be dieting, I’ll still have butter on my sandwich and eat a piece of cake when offered, but by increasing my level of activity and stop eating extras, I’ll loose some weight.

Inspiration

2008-04-09T13:09:00.001+02:00

For some time I’ve been thinking about how God’s mother, the Holy Virgin Mary, could inspire me to lead a better life. I didn’t find the right application in my life for her. Not until I read Kim’s blog (which I often read) and in particular this post about “May it be done to me according to your will, and not mine“. Now I know how the Holy Virgin Mary’s example can inspire me. She dared to follow God’s will for her, knowing, or at least she must have had some thoughts about what she could expect of social consequences… And she probably didn’t know about all the things she’d experience as Jesus’ mother! But she trusted the Lord and relied on Him. That should be my goal also!

But, I find it somewhat difficult to know what is from the Lord, and what is not. Like, does the Lord test us by giving us hard times? Or is the hard times the result of people’s free will, and some people choose not to follow the Lord’s guidance in conducting their lives? And to what detail does the Lord actually guide us?

Traditions

2008-04-04T13:10:00.000+02:00

I really enjoy baking! Today I made an apple cake, as we had guests. After becoming a mother, it has become more important to me to be somewhat more of a housewive than before… baking cakes from the ground (i.e. not using any ready-made cake mixes) and ironing the clothes. Perhaps I’m trying to recreate the stability and good feelings represented by my grandparents. My grandfather, whom I considered as my “father”, died seven years ago, and I still miss him. My grandmother is still living and in good health, but someday she’ll pass away, and my second set of parents, my favourite set, will be gone. And it will be, as a matter of fact it is already, up to me to bring on the things I learned from them.

As my father failed in all ways, except in providing us with enough money, and my mother also is a victime of his tyrannic behaviour, I’ve always regarded my grandparents as my role models. (They are my mother’s parents)

Wednesday’s work session with our auditor went well. We’ll have another one next week, but I’m not so tense about it. But, I’ve made another mistake, effecting all the employees. I’ve forgotten to report to the government tax office the income and the tax they’ve paid during the last year… I get uncertain about myself… previously I never made any mistakes… I’m a perfectionist, and have always been preoccupied with never making any mistakes. But this is one… and yesterday I came 30 minutes late to an appointment. That’s not like me either. I don’t understand why I’m making mistakes. And - the worst (?) thing is that I’m rather calm about it. My husband tells me I’m becoming normal…

Oh, no, not again! :(

2008-04-01T13:12:00.000+02:00

Will I ever learn? Why must I always wait to the last possible chance to do important stuff? I have this task at work that I shuld have done in January. But, did I? No, of course not, I’ve postponed it to the last possible day - today! Three months I’ve had to do this important task. Knowing all along that one day our auditor would come and go through last year’s financial statements. Tomorrow is the day, and today I have to do all the things that needs to be done before the auditor can check our financial statements.

Why don’t I ever learn? Why do I have to postpone to the last minute things I could have done in the previous months, giving me time to discover any errors and correct them, without the stress!! This repeats itself everytime something big is due! I did this with my reading to exams when studying, and I’ve continued doing it with work tasks. I even do it at home, when cleaning or baking before visitors are due…

Workday is finally over...

2008-04-01T13:11:00.000+02:00

I’m waiting for my husband and son to come and collect me, and I must say that I’ve worked fairly well today. Because I was under pressure (see other post today) I was able to concentrate and focus on my work. I must make a commitment to stop surfing the internet while at work. I know a lot of hours are wasted on that!

So, I’m feeling prepared for tomorrow’s meeting with the auditor, but I’m still a little tense about it… Will she ask me questions I don’t remember the answer to? I hate it when asked things I haven’t prepared for, thus not able to answer at the top of my head… I’m afraid that makes me look stupid! And my memory is VERY poor!

My son is perfect!

2008-03-31T13:13:00.000+02:00

He’s the most perfect little boy ever born (of course except for Jesus)… he’s kind, caring, good-looking, cheerfull, happy, intelligent, socially well adjusted, and very well tempered. He can also be sad, angry, determined to get his will, and testing our limits. But that’s normal. And he’s above average easy to live together with and to parent!

This weekend my husband has been stuck in bed with the flu, and our son has brought him two teddybears to comfort him. And some of his own t-shirts, which our boy cuddles with when sleeping. All of his own initiative. He’s also kept him company, talking and playing in the bed. As a result, the boy is now struck with fever and has to be at home today.

Simple life

2008-03-29T13:19:00.000+01:00

These pictures are from a 1840 suburban cottage in Oslo. It’s reconstructed at a folk museum. These pictures fascinate me. I wonder how I would’ve liked to live in the 19th century, in a room like this. If I remember correctly, 12 people lived in these three rooms. This is a true form of minimalism. Was people happier with less earthly belongings? Or were they simply to exhausted to think about happiness? Maybe the women dreamed about bigger rooms, personal space, more clothes and shoes, less hard work…? I don’t know. Maybe I romanticise the really simple life, ignoring all the hard times, the lack of clothes, the lack of money, the lack of food perhaps, the bad health they suffered from.

This is the kitchen.

This is room no. 1. The picture above the headboard of the bed has some sort of christian saying on it.

also room no. 1

Room no. 2Room no. 3

Ponytail

2008-03-29T13:13:00.000+01:00

Today I managed to collect some hair to make a small ponytail! Of course a lot of the other hair had to be fastened using clips… but still, a ponytail!!

Gender neutral God?

2008-03-28T13:21:00.001+01:00

I don’t understand why some people wants God to be gender neutral. What’s the problem with God being talked to and about as “him” or “father”? Is it because some have problems with the “father” term, based upon negative experiences with father figures? Or it is because God being regarded as a “he” puts women in a less important position?

I have bad experiences with my father, but I always thought it was nice to have God as my father, because of the poor job my biological father did. I had a very good grandfather, and when thinking of God as my father, I think of Him being more like my grandfather was than my father. And, I’m a woman, but I think feminism has gone too far when talking about God as a woman needs to be done in order to get women a higher status in the society. I see this as a waste of time, really. The christians should care more about how to get people living by christian standards!

The society’s standards are individual fortune and happiness, resulting in cold societies not really caring for those who “fail” to succeed in their lives. And also for the environment.

Hair length

2008-03-28T13:21:00.000+01:00

The picture in my avatar is lying, my hair isn’t this long, but it will eventually be… and finally it has started to grow… or I can feel it hanging in my neck. I now have the most difficult growing period behind me - when it is not short and not yet long - and it feels good. I’m also past the point where I used to get tired of growing my hair and used to get to the hairdresser to cut it short. But now I’m more determined to grow it long, and I’m visualising how it will be having a long hair. I sort of think about myself as a person with long hair… all to help me get through the most difficult growing phase!

My favourite brand of handbags - Longchamp

2008-03-27T13:23:00.000+01:00

This is a handbag from the spring line, Flower… Yes, I’d very much appreciated if I had one of these… There’s a matching scarf also. See www.longchamp.com for the complete line and all the other goodies! Maybe I should make a post on all my Longchamp handbags? It’s been my favourite since my first purchase in the mid 1990’s. At Galleries Lafayette in Paris.

My favourite brand of handbags - Longchamp - a complete list

2008-03-27T13:22:00.000+01:00

These are the Longchamp bags I have.

It all started with a navy blue older version of this handbag, from the Veau Foulonne line. (The Longchamp website did not have a picture of my model). Bought in the mid 1990’s in Paris. My model has a shoulder strap also. It is a timeless bag, a true classic. And the leather is so smooth and of high quality.

The following handbags are all from the Veau Foulonne line, all in leather.

I have a small version of this hobo bag, in black. Instead of button closure, it is two small hooks on my handbag. That one was purchased in Australia.

I also have a black back pack almost like this one. The top on my back pack is drawstring with a flap over. Bought in Brussels.

From the same line I have this small hobo bag in brown leather. The shoulder strap is adjustable (two lengths). This handbag was bought in Helsinki.

From the Planetes line I have a brown back pack almost like this one. My model has a different flap. Bought in Gent, Belgium.

Then I have several items from the Pliages line:

A tote in black nylon canvas with brown leather details.

A blue small handbag in the same nylon canvas with brown leather details.

A shoulder/tote bag in a colour called taupe (sort of brownish green). Bought in Helsinki.

A briefcase in the same taupe colour, also bought in Helsinki.

A chocolate brown messenger bag. Bought in Oslo.

Lent is over...

2008-03-23T13:24:00.000+01:00

At the Easter Vigil we sang an hymn which contained the words “now that lent is over”, and it suddenly struck me that, hey, lent is over. My lenten sacrifices had transformed into new habits, and I didn’t count the days until I could change back to the old habits. Yesterday I bought a magazine (the cheapest weekly) but I got a bad conscience. I’m convinced that if lent becomes a more regular part of people’s yearly routine, the world would be a somewhat better place.

Long lines...

2008-03-13T13:28:00.000+01:00

My husband asked me a week ago what sort of life I wanted. I’ve been thinking a lot about that. Being in my early 30’s I think it’s time I decide what to fill my life with, how to look at myself. Many women are afraid of turning 30, the twenties are portrayed as the ideal years, and the rest of one’s life it is all about trying to preserve the youth and looking as much 29 as one possibly can. For me, it is the other way around. I feel liberated by being over 30. I regard myself as old enough to stand up for my opinions, and I’m less nervous about everybody liking me or not. That’s good!

So, my motto is “long lines“. Long lines as in being a link in the long chain of people dating back to the early beginnings, and giving life to new ones, making sure the chain is growing. Long lines as in finding peace in the Church’ teachings and traditions regarding my spiritual and everyday life. Finding peace in accepting my role as a mother; there are certain biological features a man never can obtain, there are things I’m better at because I’m a woman. Long lines as in modest clothing, long skirts and shirts, not showing more than modestly acceptable of my skin. Long lines as in growing and keeping my hair long. Long lines as a motto reminds me of the fact that the world is not spinning around me, I’m just second or minute in the world’s total history, but what I make of my life, the choices I make, makes impact on the society in which I live.

It sort of makes me smaller, but that’s a good thing. When depressed one has enough pain inside to deal with, and doesn’t manage to see others or see oneself in the correct proportion in relation to others. Imagine having a tooth aching, the only thing you manage to think about is how bad this tooth aches. That’s how depression works to. The depression takes over your command centre, making you feel a lot of pain, thinking negative and destructive thoughts and drains all your energy. It’s a strange thing, but I’ve now come thus far that I sort of like being depressed in short periods of time, and having a serious depression history. Because it makes me appreciate more the good things in life. To me, a normal life without too much darkness and pain is enough. I don’t long for a glamorous or famous life, I thrive in being a mother, wife, worker.

The bright colors are more visible when placed on a black background!

Dirty and smashed windows

2008-03-13T13:27:00.000+01:00

Being depressed can be described as living in a house with dirty and smashed windows. You can never leave the house, but you can see that the surroundings changing. Everything is seen through these dirty windows and you’re to busy to clean or mend them. Slowly you forget what it is like to look through clean windows, and being unpowered by the depression you start to like being inside. You may even stop trying to look out. It’s no use, you can’t see anything, the dirt is so thick.

Then, someday, by your own or others’ initiative you start to look out and decide it’s time to fix these windows. Because they’re so smashed and dirty you must replace them. When removing the windows, your somewhat safe filter between your darkness on the inside, and the brightness on the outside, you feel as naked. You think everyone can see everything. And that they very much dislike what they’re seeing.

Maybe you put the windows back in place. You don’t want to be seen naked and in all your misery. But eventually, if you’re going to live on, you need to remove them. You must try to cope with the nudity and the lights, noise and stares from the outside world. You’ll try to look out again and again, afraid of what the outside world may think of you. Maybe even shamfeul of the fact that while the world looks this great, you’ve been hiding inside the darkest, dirtiest and most smashed windows in your town.

You’ll run back inside, not able to cover yourself behind the windows, trying to hide in the darkness of the room. As far away from the windows as possible. That’s your new safe place. But as the light keeps on flowing in, the room is about to be fully lit, and the hiding place is no longer safe, but by now it is no longer needed. You’ll put in new windows. You’ll re-establish a natural barrier between yourself and the world around you. You’ll take care of the windows, may even put up some nice curtains, or a flower or two. And, if you’ve learned to clean them properly, and take care of them, not letting anyone break them, you can keep your windows clean for a long time… maybe for good? Nevertheless, if they get dirty again, or someone breaks them, you’ve been through this before, you know how to fix them!

Remember to “clean your windows regularly”!

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel

2008-03-13T13:26:00.001+01:00

She looks more like this now:
Look at these cute puppies! And I have one very much like the one helding its head up high in the picture of the two puppies with black background. She looked liked this when she was a puppy. Now, she’s adult and “mummy’s little princess”, tilting her head when spoken to! Oh, how I love my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel!This is the cutest types of dogs ever!

No baby :(

2008-03-13T13:25:00.000+01:00

My system is very inreliable, I’m very impatient, and the want to become pregnant very strong, but today I know that there’s no little person developping inside me.

Weakness is detested!

2008-03-12T13:30:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I didn’t manage to finish a somewhat difficult task at work, and that made me feel like a weak person. Every time I need to ask someone for help, the same destructive thoughts makes their way to my head, all telling me that perhaps I shouldn’t be working in a job where I need help from others, that I’m supposed to know these things, and to perform well at my job I can’t ask anyone for help… and the negative thoughts also affirm the picture I have deep inside me, of a person not worth loving, of lesser value than others. And the fear I always carry, that the people who (pretend to) like me some day will wake up and see the same, that I’m a weak and detestable person. After going from work feeling bad, I got home and criticised my husband for making a mess while preparing dinner to us (what a stupid thing to do!), and later in the evening I got rejected by my son, and that made my world collapse! :cry: My greatest fear is that the son I love above all, will see me as I really am, and start to loathe or detest me. And the rejection he made yesterday, I took as a sign; the loathing has already started…

I know that as a parent one’s supposed to handle rejection, but I find it very hard, as I take it as a proof of him detesting me. I don’t know what to think to motivate myself to handle these things without my world collapsing…

I try to think about him being a young boy with changing moods, I can see that he goes from total joy to utter sadness in the blink of an eye… And I also try to remind myself about the importance of being there for him, whether he shows the need for it or not… I can’t reject him in return, because he’s not old enough to see the consequences of his actions.

I must pray for patience and strength to handle his anger towards me and his fists of defiance.

A mother's love

2008-03-12T13:29:00.000+01:00

I realize that being a mother sometimes is more demanding than satisifying… Putting the baby/child first. Compromising on my own needs and wants in order to satisfy his. I admit that it is sometimes difficult.

But, it is also the most wonderful thing to experience! I’ve been chosen by God to deliver to the world a new human being. Caring for it while it was in my body, lending it my “baby-facilities” and giving it food and drink so that it could grow and be a healthy little person. Then, after birth, I fed it, made it feel safe and loved, and my task is never ending. I’ll be a mother for my son as long as I live. I’ll always care for him, worry about him, love him… it has truly widened my register of feelings! I could never love anyone as much as my son. I see him as a perfect little person.

The picture is of Mary and baby Jesus.

The more one eats, the more active one should be...

2008-03-10T13:31:00.000+01:00

Here’s a new thought to me: if eating a lot of chocolate, I should be more active than if I’m not eating chocolate or other sweets. I’ve always thought that eating chocolate is such a “crime” (to myself anyway) that I could just give up on all good intentions… but talking to my GP on Friday, she presented this new idea to me. She knows what I’m talking about, she’s a little big herself, and doesn’t condemn my imperfect actions. It’s good to finally meet a GP that isn’t using every opportunity to tell me that I’m overweight and that I should do something about it.

I don’t understand how these health professionals think… do they actually think that I’m not aware of my weight being fairly more than the recommended weight for a person my height? And do they actually think that I haven’t done or tried to do anything about it? And, do they actually think that telling me to do something about it, may help? For example, I was taking an ultrasound of my stomach area (no pregnancy), and the doctor performing the ultrasound, which lasted for 10 minutes, poked my stomach and said that since being overweight the pictures was not going to be very clear (which I knew, because I’d been taking ultrasounds when pregnant the previous year), and then she said “it’s just about going out for some more walks, you know”. Lying there, with my least favourite area uncovered, I felt really humiliated, but being an overweight person I’m used to be humiliated by health professionals. So I replied a polite “yes” and didn’t say anything more. Back in my office I first felt sad then angry. But I didn’t do anything about it. So this doctor will keep on humiliating other overweights.

I know it isn’t smart to be overweight, I’m aware of all the health risks I’m facing, but it isn’t that easy to stop eating chocolate. Comfort-eating has been (and still is) my way of comping with the traumas I suffer from. Others may use alcohol, gambling, drugs etc to cope. And I don’t tell everyone about the reason why I’ve been comfort-eating… and it shouldn’t be necessary either! I recommend all health professionals to be a little more polite and understanding in dealing with persons suffering from politically uncorrect actions (such as smoking, drugs, comfort-eating).

Is there a little person growing inside?

2008-03-09T13:32:00.000+01:00

Look at that beautiful little person! It’s a picture I found googling for “embryo” and this one is 3 weeks old. Already one can see that he/she has eyes and some internal organs or structures, and two little legs… Oh, I’m so hoping to experience another miracle!

I'm in control

2008-03-05T13:33:00.000+01:00

Had my last appointment with my physiotherapist today. It was my decision to end it, but we agreed upon it. I’ve come a long way, and I’m happy for all the progress she’s helped me achieved. I’ve never taken such a decision before, always feared for hurting the other person, and also thinking that they as a skilled person know better than me when it’s time to end a therapeutic relationship. But it feels good to be able to make my own decision. It’s my life and my responsibility to make it a fairly good one.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday, but it was negative. I’m still hoping that there is a baby starting to develop, that the test was to early to give a reliable answer. My husband is so calm about it, if it happens its ok, if it doesn’t that’s ok too. If only I could be that calm about it! I was the last time, because I didn’t believe I could get pregnant, so it took me a long time to realise that it was in fact a baby growing inside. Then I thought about all the things that could go wrong, and was convinced the baby would die inside me, or right after being born. Lucky for me, none of my fears became true, the boy is now 2,5 yrs old and healthy.

The cat is out of the bag...

2008-02-28T13:34:00.000+01:00

No more secrets and lies! I sent my husband an all-revealing email earlier today, and I feel so relieved! The sun shines outside and I actually enjoy it. I detailed all about my credit card debts and my latest CED-activities (compulsive eating disorder) which he didn’t know about until now… I also made a list of things I’m supposed to do or goals I’m supposed to achieve, but I can’t see how I’ll do that… I guess he’ll be disappointed with me, sort of giving up on always striving to be the perfect person. I’m tired of trying and trying, only resulting in creating more negative stress for myself. I think its time I say, OK, this is me. These are my positive and my negative sides.

I’ve always tried to do better, to be as others are, never accepting that I’m OK as I am. At work I’ve tried to excel, to deliver more than is expected from me, to make my boss stunned by my “perfect” work. But now, it’s not working. I’m delivering barely on schedule, finding hard to concentrate, and I don’t have the energy to do anything… What’s the point in doing something acceptable, when I can’t make everything perfect? At home I’ve tried to be more like my husband. He’s the housekeeper, he makes every dinner, he’s got the energy to do several household chores everyday - after work! My level of activities will never match his. To me household chores are BORING. To him it’s a necessary thing to be done, and he manage to motivate himself to do them. I tend to wait until we get visitors or the task is loooong overdue. He’s not satisified with my level of activity, and I agree, but I don’t see how I can mobilise enough energy or motivation to do more… Earlier it was sort of okay to him that I did less than him, when I was depressed, but as I now regard myself much better, he’s irritated over my low level of activity. And I can understand him, it is not fair that one person in a household does way more than the other. I wouldn’t like it if it was the other way around… but how to do something and be satisified with that something instead of thinking about all the other things I didn’t manage, that I don’t know how to achieve… and in the meantime, all my energy goes to thinking about my low performances and what others must think about me… when will my boss tell me to consider quitting my job or my husband tell me that he’s tired of waiting for me to do more…

That’s today’s status.

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Update:

My husband answered that it was sad for me to have these problems (as detailed above) and that he wanted to help me get rid of the problems. That wasn’t exactly the answer I’d hoped for. I guess I wanted him to say that he loves me despite of my problems. By telling me he’ll help me get rid of my problems, he sort of says that I’m OK but I should get rid of those problems in order to be loved… that’s how I understood it. But, we talked it thru and it’s good not having any secrets.

St Dymphna - my patron saint

2008-02-27T13:35:00.000+01:00

Daughter of a pagan Irish chieftain named Damon, and a beautiful devoted Christian woman whose name has not come down to us. Her mother died when Dymphna was a teenager. Her father searched the Western world for a woman to replace his wife, but none could. Returning home, he saw that his daughter was as beautiful as her mother, and maddened by grief, he made advances on her. She fought him off, then fled to Belgium with Saint Gerebernus, an elderly priest and family friend.

Dymphna’s father searched for them, and his search led to Belgium. There an innkeeper refused to accept his money, knowing it was difficult to exchange. This told Damon that his daughter was close - it would be unusual for a village innkeeper to know a lot about foreign currency, and his knowledge indicated that had recently seen it. The king concentrated his search in the area. When he found them in Gheel, he beheaded Gerebernus, and demanded that Dymphna surrender to him. She refused, and he killed her in a rage.

The site where she died is known for its miraculous healings of the insane and possessed. There is now a well-known institution on the site, and her relics are reported to cure insanity and epilepsy.

Source: The text is quoted from the Patron Saint Index at http://saints.sqpn.com/saintd01.htm

About halfway in lent, and still keeping my sacrifices…

2008-02-25T13:37:00.000+01:00

I know one’s not supposed to brag about fasting, but as this is meant to be a personal blog, I regard it not as bragging, but simply stating the fact that I still manage to keep my sacrifices. I’ve even ended to magazine subscriptions today, as I saw that I don’t have the time to read them. This lenten sacrificing business is making me more satisfied with myself as I put my principles into action. I’ve had all these good principles in my head for some time, but have been rather dissatisfied with my failing to live by them. Lent is therefore a good time to put into action what I’ve been thinking about for some time.

Doing my daily round collecting and sending the mail for my office, I covered my head with a scarf - much like a muslim with some hair showing at my forehead. I did this because of the rain. And did not get any strange looks. It feels so right to cover, so I use every opportunity I’ve got, to do it. But, using a beret when it’s snowing or a scarf in rainy weather doesn’t make me stand out from the rest, and thus no one is able to see that I’m covering for religious reasons. I dream about going to a different town and cover my head just to see how it would be… Maybe on a holiday some time?

I can’t remember if I’ve posted some sort of explanation for my covering conviction? Well, it is according to the Bible. I can’t remember the exact place, but somewhere in the letters, St Paul writes about how a woman is to behave. She should among other things keep her hair long (it is stated that cutting one’s hair is wrong - it is the same as shaving the whole thing off) and to cover her head for the sake of the angels. In order to show that the woman has accepted being subordinated under her husband. Some say that the hair is the cover, but others says that that’s a translation mistake, and the covering should be in addition to the hair. That’s why I want to cover my head. To show that I’m subordinate under God. (The chain or rank of order is God-church-man-woman) Especially when praying I feel a need to bow my head and cover it, I’m talking to/with God! I know for certain that if I was to meet him, I would kneel down and bow my head in His presence. He is the Almighty, the Highest! I’m also trying to oppose to the mainstream thought in the society, that money and glamour and status makes one happy. And that people should be juged by their appearance and not inner qualities. Vain. And finally, in support to the muslim women who wear their hijab according to their religious or cultural beliefs. I can’t believe the Western countries banning hijabs in schools, workplaces and so on. I mean, to the hijabis, going out without that piece of clothing, is as if a non-coverer should stop wearing her trousers or blouse… They feel naked.

I took a pregnancy test today, but it was negative… I know it was too early, but I thought I could feel some of the symptoms known from the last time I was pregnant. That’s some sort of stretching ache very low on both sides of the stomach. But it could also be me wanting them to be the first signs of pregnancy… It could just be some bowel or congestion pains… :-S I must try to be more patient, and wait another week or so before I do more testing…

My lenten sacrifices

2008-02-20T13:38:00.000+01:00

Today is day 15 of the lent, and I’m satisfied with the fact that I’ve managed to sacrifice the things I decided upon. But, I have to admit that it’s not always easy. Everyday I’m tempted to break my promises. I need to pray and stay focused. These are the sacrifices I’ll make this lent:

No magazine purchases
no clothing/accessories purchases
no jewelry purchases
use as little money as possible on items not considered as necessary (in a rigid sense)

In addition I’m trying to (this is sort of what everyone’s supposed to do in lent)

keep my everday eating simple (no cakes etc in weekdays)
study the Bible
donate money to Caritas
eat fish every friday (and of course the fasting of Ashwednesday and Good Friday)

I’m doing this not primarily to please God, but to teach myself a lesson about how having compassion with those less fortunate (moneywise) and about what material goods is neccessary and not, in order to live a good life. It is good for me personally, and it is also sound for the global environment and climate. Even back in the 4 th century, Evagrios of Pontos, made this ”recipe” for the good/morally good life: Eat little and simple food, sleep on the ground, get rid of most posessions, live by yourself and talk to no-one. OK, that last advice I’m not thinking about taking up on, but the others - are ever important advices!

God, please give me the courage...

2008-01-17T13:40:00.000+01:00

I ask God to give me the courage I need to put my conviction about covering my head as a sign for submission, into practice. St. Paul states clearly in the Bible that women need to let their hair grow and cover it as a sign for submission and to honour God. St. Paul talks specifically about how women is to behave in churches, but many women, including me, are convinced that a head-cover is needed whenever one “talks” to God.

Although I’ve been convinced about the covering need for some time, the courage hasn’t come. I live in a society where the hijab most of the time is viewed as an humiliating instrument used by dominant fathers and husbands to control their daughters/wifes. Muslim women wanting to use the hijab may face difficulties in getting a job, as employers ban hijab use on their workplace, and attracts negative public attention from others. Of course som muslim women are dominated by their fathers/husbands, as are some women from all religions, the hijab it self isn’t the problem. (more about that later) I admire the hijabis as they have the courage to display to everyone their faith and in doing so, distinguish themselves from the main feminine styles of the western world. To me they portray modest femininity beautifully.

When choosing among the various head-covering styles, this (picture on left) is my favourite. It’s called the Dutch Crown and is shown at www.tznius.com (a jewish headcover webshop). The picture at the top is from the same site and is called a snood. It would be my number 2 favourite. Probably more practical as it is a headband with a “bag” to put ones hair in. The Dutch Crown is made of a large scarf and is probably more likely to fall off during the day.

I have a lot of scarfs at home, in different styles, sizes and colors. I can easily picture myself using them everyday. But, I really need the courage… I get discouraged when thinking about all the attention I would get… people asking me or simply assuming I’ve become a muslim. All the explanation I would have to do. I’m afraid I can’t see it happening in the near future…

Real mothers

2007-11-15T13:41:00.000+01:00

Real mothers doesn’t look like the ones shown in glossy magazines. We look more like these ones: www.theshapeofamother.com

It's only Tuesday!

2007-11-13T13:42:00.001+01:00

It’s 10:36 and I’ve already eaten my lunch, but I’m still hungry! How am I to “survive” the rest of the day? I don’t want to be at work. I’d rather be at home in my comfy chair with a warm blanket and my cosy little Cavalier K.C. Spaniel on my lap, drinking tea, and playing The Legend of Zelda Phantom Hourglass on my Nintendo DS. By the way, if you need some help in playing this magnificent game, here is a good guide.

It's only Tuesday!

2007-11-13T13:42:00.000+01:00

Finnish jewelry

2007-10-11T13:43:00.000+02:00

I bought this one in sterling silver (picture is in gold), when I visited Helsinki. It’s from a company called Kalevala Koru, www.kalevalakoru.fi. If I remember correctly it’s a replica of a viking jewellry found in Finland.

I also bought a bracelet, but I couldn’t find a picture of it on the website.

I like buying jewelry when travelling, it is a fine type of souvenirs.